I gave it a quick read. I don't have much time now but my first impression was good description, but not always arranged in the best way that is pleasant for the reader. A little bit of overused descriptions of actions here and there but overall it was ok. I'll have to give it a proper read when I have time. The dialogue was a bit flat but fit the setting/tone of the story so it's ok. Is this an original story/characters or is it like a fanfic of another story by another author? I wasn't sure if it was just inspired or an actual extension of the other author's story. It was good though, I mean a lot better than the stuff I am usually asked to read. Your descriptive writing is great, just needs to be put in a different way sometimes to be more creative and entertaining.
