i tend to think that our discussions ("our" as in mine and rahvin's,and possibly other people on the board) are verging on the absurd these days.
okay, we know the world is filled with evil bastards and some of them drove us out of our wits first because we wanted them and them only, then because we wanted to kill them and everyone else.
we also know full well that this has impaired our ability to experiment all the set of feelings we used to harbor for that special someone up to our last relevant relationship.
another precious piece of knowledge concerns our ability to develop a strong attachment for people who have nothing to do with our potential life partner: i'm having more "true love" stuff (including lies about what i can do
) with my academic mentor than i ever had with any boyfriend, and i don't envision him as such - not at all.
there's a missing piece: how the fuck are we going to get out of this situation? there's no such thing as _no answer_. maybe it's time to think about what kind of barriers we are voluntarily putting in front of our eyes: at times I fully realize that I'm simply *not putting enough effort* in discerning inconsistent, potentially dangerous guys when i see them, since I keep on going with an image of the dream man that has me responding emotionally, even though I know it's just shit.
we should be happy that we're responding gradually less and less to external stimuli, given the utter crappiness of the stimuli we used to respond to before. the world is still full of people the likes of our previous partners, we just look at them in discomfort now instead of systematically wanting to marry them. sometimes we develop some kind of liking to them anyway, but it never gets drastic anymore - and thanks god it doesn't!
so what are we going to do? remain alone (which we aren't) forever and ever? be content (which i, for one, will not ever be) with having all kinds of rewarding relationships with selected people but not a partner? or simply realize that not all that glitters is bu and we got it all wrong so far?
i know i'm not really helping much, but it sort of annoys me to see that i'm making the same mistakes over and over when responding to a new man in my sight, and it annoys me *more* to know that i am possibly heading towards more serious mistakes as times goes by... i wish it would stop. but the reason of the ongoing process does not lie in the masses of lying, dishonest, irrelevant silly people in this world: _we_ were wrong to look at them in the first place.
hyena ( )
