The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
Steel City News
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
Nietzsche is Dead
God
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The greatest lies of all time:
I love you
This won't hurt a bit
The check is in the mail
I was just going to call you
I swear I won't come in your mouth
Of course I'll respect you in the morning
We have a really challenging assignment for you
I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you
The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
Blow your mind -- smoke gunpowder.
Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.
POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
"The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead."
Samuel Goldwyn on
Louis B. Mayer's funeral
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there."
Dana Gould
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
"Lower the age of puberty!"
Graffiti
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
Graffiti
The meek shall inherit the Earth - they're too weak to refuse."
Graffiti
"Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last."
Graffiti
"Cancer cures smoking."
Graffiti
"The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat."
Graffiti
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
I have a drinking problem, I can't afford it.
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
George Bernard Shaw
Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tires, especially while the bike is moving.
Our lawyers made us put these warnings in.
An Australian motorcycle manual
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
"That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse."
Calvin
If you can't lower heaven, raise hell
The question is not if you are paranoid, it is if you are paranoid enough
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
F. P. Jones
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
I'm not in denial I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept
Calvin and Hobbes
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
Solution to 2 of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
crawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"
neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."
Toilet graffiti
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
From the book of bad pickup-lines
"This is not a court of Justice, young man, it is a court of Law!"
Oliver Holmes Jr., U.S. Supreme Court Justice
When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
Smile. Tomorrow's going to be worse.
Frost
Men are like tile floors, lay them down right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
Lisa Tarbox
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere is the fact that none of it has tried to contact us.
Calvin & Hobbes
There Is No Gravity. The Earth Sucks.
History repeats itself. It has to, no-one listens.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, someone goes and throws you a shovel.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
While money can't buy love, It can buy a damn good imitation.
If this magazine was on fire, I wouldn't even piss on it.
A letter from an angry reader after a decision by a gaming magazine to turn 100% Sega
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving
Slayer
PESSIMISM: Every dark cloud has its silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
Good health is merely the slowest way to die.
It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink.
Message on a blackboard in an Edinburgh pub
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Rehab is for quitters.
Sex is like a bridge game, if you don't have a good partner you had better have a good hand.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen, because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I believe it to be made of stupidity.
Frank Zappa
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Due to management cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will now be switched off.
Graffiti
Wife and dog missing. Reward for the dog.
Bumper Sticker
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't drink and drive.....
Leave that to me.
Realism is just an excuse for pessimism.
Rebecca Schoen
Psychology is the study of everyone's bullshit.
Taylor
What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it?
Sex is one of the most beautiful, natural and wholesome things money can buy.
Graffiti
Never criticize someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes!
As you're reading what I've put,
You are pissing on your foot
Graffiti above a urinal
I said "NO" to drugs!
(but they just wouldn't listen)
From a t-shirt
Jesus loves you
(but everyone else thinks you're an asshole)
Olga Koussi
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Constipated people don't give a shit!
Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate.
Illuminati
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
For Sale: One Parachute.
Used Once.
Never Opened.
Slightly Stained.
I am Dislexic of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to have your ass laminated.
Chris
Warning: keep out of children.
Korean kitchen knife instructions
God gave man both a penis and a brain, unfortunately he didn't give enough blood supply to run to both at the same time.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Sugar Daddy
William Clayton
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
Steel City News
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
Nietzsche is Dead
God
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The greatest lies of all time:
I love you
This won't hurt a bit
The check is in the mail
I was just going to call you
I swear I won't come in your mouth
Of course I'll respect you in the morning
We have a really challenging assignment for you
I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you
The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
Blow your mind -- smoke gunpowder.
Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.
POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
"The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead."
Samuel Goldwyn on
Louis B. Mayer's funeral
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there."
Dana Gould
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
"Lower the age of puberty!"
Graffiti
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
Graffiti
The meek shall inherit the Earth - they're too weak to refuse."
Graffiti
"Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last."
Graffiti
"Cancer cures smoking."
Graffiti
"The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat."
Graffiti
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
I have a drinking problem, I can't afford it.
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
George Bernard Shaw
Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tires, especially while the bike is moving.
Our lawyers made us put these warnings in.
An Australian motorcycle manual
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
"That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse."
Calvin
If you can't lower heaven, raise hell
The question is not if you are paranoid, it is if you are paranoid enough
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
F. P. Jones
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
I'm not in denial I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept
Calvin and Hobbes
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
Solution to 2 of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
crawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"
neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."
Toilet graffiti
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
From the book of bad pickup-lines
"This is not a court of Justice, young man, it is a court of Law!"
Oliver Holmes Jr., U.S. Supreme Court Justice
When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
Smile. Tomorrow's going to be worse.
Frost
Men are like tile floors, lay them down right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
Lisa Tarbox
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere is the fact that none of it has tried to contact us.
Calvin & Hobbes
There Is No Gravity. The Earth Sucks.
History repeats itself. It has to, no-one listens.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, someone goes and throws you a shovel.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
While money can't buy love, It can buy a damn good imitation.
If this magazine was on fire, I wouldn't even piss on it.
A letter from an angry reader after a decision by a gaming magazine to turn 100% Sega
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving
Slayer
PESSIMISM: Every dark cloud has its silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
Good health is merely the slowest way to die.
It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink.
Message on a blackboard in an Edinburgh pub
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Rehab is for quitters.
Sex is like a bridge game, if you don't have a good partner you had better have a good hand.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen, because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I believe it to be made of stupidity.
Frank Zappa
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Due to management cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will now be switched off.
Graffiti
Wife and dog missing. Reward for the dog.
Bumper Sticker
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't drink and drive.....
Leave that to me.
Realism is just an excuse for pessimism.
Rebecca Schoen
Psychology is the study of everyone's bullshit.
Taylor
What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it?
Sex is one of the most beautiful, natural and wholesome things money can buy.
Graffiti
Never criticize someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes!
As you're reading what I've put,
You are pissing on your foot
Graffiti above a urinal
I said "NO" to drugs!
(but they just wouldn't listen)
From a t-shirt
Jesus loves you
(but everyone else thinks you're an asshole)
Olga Koussi
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Constipated people don't give a shit!
Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate.
Illuminati
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
For Sale: One Parachute.
Used Once.
Never Opened.
Slightly Stained.
I am Dislexic of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to have your ass laminated.
Chris
Warning: keep out of children.
Korean kitchen knife instructions
God gave man both a penis and a brain, unfortunately he didn't give enough blood supply to run to both at the same time.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Sugar Daddy
Yeah there are some good ones. Especially the one about bridge and sex! Some aren't so good, tho and I wasn't expecting everyone to read them all! 
