stories of my roommate eating (aka: a study in self-control)

[xfer]

- comes home with box of dozen donuts. "Anyone want one?" negatives. one hour later, Bill changes his mind and checks the box. empty.

"jeff, did you just eat a dozen donuts???"

later on that night he says he woke up sort of throwing up.


- other roommate's girlfriend brought some delicious apple bread from a bakery in connecticut for us all to share, at lisa's request. shortly i hear lisa yelling at jeff for finishing the apple bread. later, i found out that not only did he FINISH it, but STARTED it, eating the whole loaf. no one else had any.


- yesterday: girlfriend returned with another loaf of apple bread, and another loaf of peanut butter raisin bread. i specifically tell jeff not to eat them all this time.

this morning: i come downstairs to find a single sliver of apple bread left. clearly he carefully cut it off and left it so i could not accuse him of eating the entire loaf, then ate (basically) the entire loaf. I ate the sliver.

10 minutes ago: call from my roommate bill: "Hey, did you see that Jeff ate the entire loaf of peanut butter/raisin bread, except for one sliver?" "Yeah, totally! In fact, he--wait a minute. You mean the apple bread, right?" "No, the peanut-butter raisin bread." "Are you sure?" "Yeah! I ate the scrap he left. It was good!"


- espies me eating basmati rice with margarine. Critically: "i don't know why you eat that. it's full of carbs--terrible for you." (superiorally) "i don't eat carbs--i'm on the Atkins diet."

 

[azal]

Hopefully he'll follow the diet to completion and slip on some black ice and fall into a coma and die.

 

[avi]

hah, I'm with azal. i feel for you man. no wonder xfer feels the need to lash out at people! look at his living situation.

 

[xfer]

also every time he does something wrong he blames lisa's boyfriend Dan under the mistaken impression that since Dan doesn't technically live with us, we are on TARD ROOMMATE's side. i bet he blames dan for eating the breads.

 

[VangelicSurgeon]

damn son!

 

[lizard]

that dude needs to stop hoovering up the loafs.

 

[azal]

wait this is tard roomate eating all the stuff?

 

[minxnim]

i eat about that much food, but at least i buy it for myself. i HATE when people eat food i bought for myself or to share with other people and they just don't share. it's rude and awful.

 

[Stultus]

I like the fact that he thinks that the problem with xfer's basmati and margarine concoction is the carbohydrates and not the trans fats.

 

[chupe666]

i would love to live in the alternate universe where bread has no carbs.

and beer- drinking that michelob ultra stuff is no good taste-wise, but carb-less beer would be wonderful.

 

[FuSoYa]

What a twink.

 

[minxnim]

i am a bread addict. i admit it. it makes my b.f. sick like, i can eat an entire huge loaf of sourdough bread and then be like 'do we have any bagels?'

 

[Stultus]

And xfer, the problem you have is exactly that of someone on a stupid diet. As long as you don't get him off it he will continue to suddenly digest whole sections of the house at regular frequencies.

 

[chupe666]

wrap up some dry wall pieces in a bread wrapper and leave it in the kitchen to send him a message. or put a ton of empty bread wrappers in his room. this guy needs some lessons in tact.

 

[minxnim]

i was thinking about this more, and it's just unbelievable that he would be this rude. he must either be so riddled with compulsion that he literally can't help it, or he's just totally passive aggressive. food is good and should not be messed with. :|

 

[xfer]

i think it's totally self-control. whenever he takes a drag of a cigarette or a bong hit his leg begins to violently shake like a dog being scratched, and he turns purple and often passes out and falls over. YET HE STILL FUCKING SMOKES ALL DAY. admittedly he has tried to quit smoking...




...over thirty times in the past eight months!!!

self-control, i'm telling you.

 

[minxnim]

 

[xfer]

guys next week remind me to ask my roommate (who's in london now) to get her video camera from work. i'll totally videotape him having a seizure and post it.

 

[minxnim]

that would be both awful and awesome at the same time. if possible.

 

[xfer]

i would normally say doing such a thing would make me a "biggest asshole" candidate, but i think the fact that he consciously makes the choice to do this to himself with each bong hit (even after we told him we didn't want him to do it in front of us because it was too creepy and scary) annuls any complaint he could have.