I quickly wake up in the lab and it comes back to me fast. Very fast. And it hurts my head.
“Your synapses were firing like crazy. I had to rip you. I drugged you to bring you back in… you might feel some nausea for the next three days. That wasn’t like the other times at all.” Pajo tells me these things and the blurb that spews from his mouth means literally nothing to me now.
“Alright,” I begin, through clenched teeth, feeling the throaty sickness that he just told me Id be feeling “You’re right. It was nothing like last time! You need to explain how this works, and I’ve lost my memory again.”
“I explained how it worked last time I dragged you out.”
“Can you tell me in a way I’ll understand it for a change? And I just said, my memories…” At that moment my brain felt like it was being used as a squeeze toy. A striking pain, But what I can remember is I’ve felt this confusion before. And for some reason I take comfort in that.
Pajo was a short old man. He wore spectacles, the rims far too large, even for his podgy face. His eyes looked like pin holes and were crested by bushy white brows that seemed to jut out about an inch, almost comically. He never looked at me when he spoke, he was always doing something, something animated. “We all have a thing that makes us what we are. It is a powerful internal aura I call zobra.” He tells me, and I remember that quite suddenly. “Zobra becomes loose during REM sleep, that’s why some dreams feel real. I found out in a dream where I became lucid in a world similar to this one and met a man who told me what was going to happen to me after I woke up. The prediction he made was for filled and I believed the things he’d told me in the dream. He wanted to meet another man who could learn the control of zobra, only he called it ‘The Skinless’, so we could do cross dimensional research together. It was by chance that we met, and I haven’t learnt a way to connect to his reality again as of yet. Not at least on the same timeline.”
After a short pause I correctly assume he thinks he’s told me enough. The old bastard hasn’t. “What?” I let out with a bit of volume: enough to inform him he must go a bit deeper.
“It turns out when we become lucid of zobra we can travel time by entering other parallel dimensions at random intervals in their time line. We have discovered three different dimensions so far, I think. We have been in and out over 50 times.”
“We?”
“Well, you. I maintain everything works from in here. The premise is easy to understand. You have always been capable of lucid dreaming, and you remember your dreams so well. I’m getting old, my brain isn’t what it was.”
I hurl suddenly on the floor beside my bed. I find myself accepting what he’s telling me, but not accepting the medication pumping through my organs. After remaining still for a minute while my guts right themselves I speak again to try and get some more clarity. “Alright, so we have a soul and it can detach from our body and break barriers in reality?”
“Exactly.”
“Well how do I walk around in my body when I get there?”
“You materialise. Zobra is powerful, and wont exist without it’s vessel.”
“How do you know I don’t just possess someone?”
“Because in easier journeys, where you suffered no memory loss, you told me you had taken moments to look into the mirror.”
“Oh wait, I remember now. This journey wasn’t easy at all. First I was in a bar, talking to some friends, but I blacked out.”
“What did the friends look like?”
I think about it and it floods back suddenly “There were a few of us, but I only remember a Blackman with an afro and a guy taking notes. I was telling them about a dream.”
“Had you been dreaming within the dimension?”
“I don’t remember, this is where it begun, I can’t remember anything before the bar…”
“That’s ok, sometimes the shock of the materialisation causes brain damage, especially in unfamiliar dimensions. You always return to this vessel though, brain damage free”. He gives me a wink, but its hard to notice the gesture, his features are so small.
“That’s good to know. What happened in the bar gets hazy though, I heard a loud noise and someone was smacking their hand against the window, the window had a crack in it. Then I started to black out.”
“yes, you’re body had some convulsions while you were skinless. It’s nothing unusual, but it can cause disorientation in the dimension you are in. Please, what do you remember next?”
“I was throwing a stone in to a river, but I was a child, and then I woke up in a restaurant.”
“When you were a child did you feel you had possessed a different body?”
“I was dreaming. I think.”
“That sounds quite likely.”
“Then I saw myself outside the restaurant, I was standing in the road, staring at me, and then I got hit by a truck.”
“You or him?”
“What difference does it make?” I don’t know why I ask that question, and the thought of not knowing why I asked makes me shiver for a second, because I know it doesn’t matter whether it was me or him, but I don’t know how I know. “Him, but I felt it, it shook me.” And it did.
“I don’t understand. It doesn’t seem likely that you would meet yourself in there. I mean, the realities are parallel, but you don’t know where you are going to get dropped within the reality.”
“It doesn’t stop there. I ran to what I thought was my home, I recognised the route, but my home wasn’t there. And inside the burnt out building I think I met myself again, but I’m not sure.”
Pajo just scratches his chin. His tickling beard needed to be treated before he could do any proper thinking.
“It couldn’t have been you.” He fires out shaking his head. It’s obvious what I’ve told him has caused some conflict, but he trusts my words. I vomit again and Pajo pats my back, letting out a sigh, mainly because he doesn’t understand what’s going on anymore. And that doesn’t bode well for me at all. I have a feeling if he’s right about zobra, then he isn’t going to find out shit. What just happened was very close to being ‘something else’. Or his theories aren’t as simple as he thought.
I lay in the bed, waiting for the nausea to wear off. Pajo wanders around muttering to himself, now and then writing things on blackboards only to irritably scribble it out while cursing. I look over in the corner and notice the window has a crack in it. It wasn’t there before. “Pajo” I call out. I get no response. I sit up out of the bed. My neck is so stiff. I slip on my shoes, can’t be bothered tying the laces, and stagger over to the window. Getting my memory back over the past three hours was slow, but I feel full again now. There was no crack in that window. I examine it. There is now. Pajo toddles in.
“When did this break?”
“While you were out.”
“How?”
“A bird.”
“Can I see it?” Pajo just shuffles through some files, all look very un neat. “Can I see it?” I repeat a bit louder.
“See what?” Pajo responds. The coot has a worse memory than I do.
“The bird!” I let it out with a bit of exasperation. He’s busy but he shouldn’t be ignoring me.
“No. Look at this.” Pajo shows me a picture, and I can hardly believe the image. But I recognise me in it, and I feel I know it some how. I’m sitting on a table, a doctor is talking to me. “I was given this picture by the man I was telling you about earlier.” Pajo tells me. “The man who wants to share cross dimensional research, the man who wants to gain evidence before going global with his discoveries; with our discoveries.”
“How could you have this? You met him in another dimension?” I hear a sudden loud smacking, a hand is hitting the window in the corner, but it’s not broken anymore. “Pajo, what the fuck is going on?”
Jeremy struggled with the thoughts for a few seconds. He felt all his memories break apart again, and the pieces were laying on the floor of his mind, out of order, in a foreign language. The picture. How did Pajo have it? How could Pajo have it? Confusion is the only thing that suffices, and that was unfortunate for Jeremy as the hand hitting the window became more and more powerful.
“Then I wake up.” The shrink stares at me, he thinks he knows something about people. But he just doesn’t.
“So you get out of bed and noticed a crack, and then are shown a photo?” that sounds like perfectly normal subconscious behaviour to me. Your brain could have been working on anything to do that to you. Is there anything more to the dream, other than stepping off a bed in a laboratory?”
“There might have been, but I can’t remember it. I remember not tying my shoe laces.” I don’t know why I told him this, I rarely tie my laces.
“This is what I think. You have left an imprint of yourself on many different dimensions.” His eyes narrow and the corners of his mouth ascend, he’s so happy. He’s revealing something, but I feel like I can guess the words that are going to come out of his mouth. “And your friend in the dream who showed you the picture is unaware that every time you go into ‘the skinless’ that your materialisation is left roaming, somewhat empty. Its not you, but it is you. Remember this and tell him. It doesn’t have your ‘skinless’, but while you were there you printed enough of your ‘Skinless’ for it to have your traits.”
“Who the fuck are you?”
“I’m doctor Pajo”. He offers me his hand.
“What’s the date today? Please, I need to know, and I need to go back so I can find out when this is.”
“Do you think that makes any difference?”
“Why wouldn’t it? Is this the day I meet Pajo?” the guys face is so unfamiliar, but then Pajo is only a name to me. I can’t conjure a face at all.
“I wouldn’t know. I’ve just been given this picture, by a shrink who says you’re perfect for dream experiments.”
“I don’t remember any of this. Why would Pajo lie to me?”
“Who else do you know who is called pajo?”
“The man in my dream, only it wasn’t a dream, I… I .”
“We’ve never met before my friend. But you will help me with my experiments. I will pay you very good cash”
I feel like I’m falling down, maybe I’m going to get sucked out of this body again and land somewhere else. Maybe I’m going to lose my memory again. Maybe not. Maybe I’m going to wake up and be sitting on a shrinks desk, with my lace untied telling someone else this has all been a dream. When am I not Skinless? “It’s time travel then, I have been time travelling for a long time. 50 times” I remember it now, it wasn’t a dream, he isn’t my shrink, I remember the boy, and seeing myself in the corner.
“Maybe it actually was a dream.”
“Don’t tell me that!” and at that moment I hear the door behind me click open.
“Doctor Pajo, a Jeremy Carneal is here to see you”. My disbelief is only rivalled by the woman’s, who looks and sees me sitting in here, and no doubt looks outside and sees me standing out there. I know what is coming next. If time travel exists, and Jeremy sees me now, then that will throw off the entire idea. I never saw myself in a room, but Pajo never looked like this man, this shrink, young. I look at the window. It has no crack in it. What a relief. I run and dive through it though, like I can’t even control myself, it was just something that felt absolutely predestined. Absolute in its innocence. As I fall I feel about a million thoughts about the inevitability of time travel plough through my brain. If I hadn’t have done this, maybe my existence would have seized. The ground is rushing up to meet me.
And with a sickening thud Jeremy exploded all over the edge of the road. People screamed as they bore witness to the intriguing epitome of gore. Doctor Pajo ran to the window and looked down, confused, unknowing. Two Jeremy’s with identical faces.
He would learn faster than another Doctor Pajo, just exactly how deep this runs.
“What the hell just happened in here?” I ask, walking into find a broken window and two people staring out of it in disbelief.
I wake up and I see Pajo’s old face looking down at me. He asks me if I killed myself and I tell him yes. He’s trembling and He kisses me.
The one the assistant called Doctor Pajo and the one I’m here to see turns to me, and suddenly looks enthusiastic and friendly.
I break away from the kiss. “It’s not this way. I don’t want it this way.” But then I know Pajo, and he’s not so innocent.
I shake his hand and I sit down. “Are you Jeremy Carneal?” Pajo asks me.
(He asks every single one of me,
no matter live or dead,
suffering,
just born, retarded, little print, strong print).
Why don’t I leave the room?
(What is real?) Why did he kiss me,
and yet I’m still shaking his hand,
(I feel it). The birth of a relationship.
“My Name is Petyr Pajo, I’m a neurologist of sorts. You will discover soon that that’s not all there is to me, and hopefully we are going to make some history. Together. Don’t go to the window. Please.”
(My memory will wipe any second, I hope to god it will.)
And so does Pajo. He kissed me, (and I felt it),
and so did the others, (they just didn’t understand it).
And still, off where only my skinless could go,
I’m meeting a Pajo,
(and I’m cowering in a corner
and I’m sitting in a bar, talking to a black man while some idiot takes notes).
I can’t get close enough to see what it is everyone is standing around. The people all hum, concerned, sickened, terrified, I don’t know. There’s a broken window above them, some people point up at it. Someone has just fallen from the window I bet. I’d love to get a look, but the weather’s turning bad and the sight would only make me sick. A police car pulls up and they make a clearing. All I see is some splatters of blood, no carcass (in view), but I wouldn’t want to see that, it would only make me feel sick. The first drops of rain fall, and what few people from the streets that aren’t retching over whatever that lump of death was at the bottom of the building are making their way for cover. A lot run up to a café further down the street for cover. The heat of that place calls to me too, the warm atmosphere, but I’d rather go home, I’m tired, from what, oh god? I don’t remember, I don’t remember anything. I stop to catch my breath. My name is Jeremy. My laces are untied. I live about ¾ of a mile away. I enjoy throwing stones into ponds. What have I been doing? What have I ever done? Go home, I tell myself to go home and I listen to myself, going home. The rain gets heavier. It bounces off the cobbles and turns everything grey, and depressed, except for in the café, but I need to get home first. I look behind myself to make sure no one is looking - I’m self conscious when I run, because I have no technique - the street is empty, except for a man in the distance standing from where I came. He is at the end of the street, iust coming out of the tall building. The onlookers of the suicide stand behind him, he doesn’t notice them I don’t think; he stops to tie his laces. He doesn’t notice me. He owns the same jacket as me. And he looks like me, but I have to go home. So I run, and I take the usual right turns, left turns and back alleys.
“This is my apartment” I tell the kid, but he just looks sad. Confused. I don’t know what’s going on. “Did you do this to my apartment?” I don’t even remember what my apartment looks like, I don’t even have a key on me, but it should be here, and it shouldn’t be a neglected burnt out hole. This place is derelict. And this filthy child stares at me. He’s so unnatural. “Where’s your mother? Why don’t you go home ey?” He doesn’t understand a word I’m saying, and nor do I really (I’m just talking because eIm able to, and I feel a lack of control coming over me), he just stares at me, and stares. “Hey, are you even from around here?” I say, and he shakes his head. So I just shrug. Is this where I live? It’s too dark to see anything clearly. The sun is just setting and when it does - no doubt, myself and this weird little boy will be standing in darkness. So I grope for a light switch. I move my hands along the wall, there’s some wallpaper hear and there, but its all pealing and some of the walls are just brick. I frisk the south wall and find nothing, and the west wall and find…
At that moment the child, with an un-child-like strength, wrapped a plank around the back of Jeremy’s head. It was a blow delivered with power enough to stun, and throw the man off balance. The boy was quick to wind back another shot and deliver it with a similar unprovoked ferocity.
Jeremy lost his footing and fell down, trying to guard his face from anticipation of anymore blows, but just couldn’t predict in the ever growing darkness where the next shot was going to come from. The boy put his foot on Jeremy’s wrist, pinning his hand out of any position where it could be used to defend, and then changed his grip on the clump of wood so he could deliver straight blows with the blunt edge in a heavy downward stabbing motion. For a second Jeremy could see the look on the child’s face. Teeth clenched. A bit of saliva in either corner of his mouth, his eyes showing wild but focused intent. Three heavy stabs down on to Jeremy’s forearm and the bone had snapped. It snapped on the second shot, audibly, the third shot was just to make sure. Wincing Jeremy moved his other arm over to try and cradle the broken wrist and as he did the boy kicked him square in his eye, literally toe end into his socket. It felt like his eye had just burst there and then and his head span, and blood filled up in the eye and all he could do is gargle as he felt the boys foot on his other arm. This time it took 7 shots to break the bone. 12 shots altogether to make sure the job was properly done. The wrist was even more mangled other one, snapped in more places for sure. Just under the elbow and then again a few inches further down. The blood came out in spurts as the bone compound and was sticking through the flesh. With both arms out of commission and his head in a growing vortex of semi-consciousness Jeremy could only lay still, trying to piece together the puzzle that was his existence. The boy once again stabs the wood down, this time right into Jeremy’s face. Over and over. Perhaps 6, 7, or 8. Not relenting. The first shots were hitting him in the forehead, and causing more blood to pump from lascerations and swellings into his eyes. The focus of the shots then moved more central and the pressure and impact was right on Jeremy’s nose, which broke, smashed, instantly. His teeth cracked under the pressure of one stab and with a thick wadge of mucus and blood rolled back in to his throat, choking him into silence. When Jeremy was nothing but harmless pulp the boy moved over to one of the broken windows and took a spike of glass from the floor just beneath it. Taking off Jeremy’s trousers and underwear, the boy began sawing through flesh. Jeremy could only groan. Could only imagine wincing. Wanted to die. Once the boy had gotten so far he just used his strength to tear the threads of skin still holding the penis between Jeremy’s legs. And he put it in his mouth. And he began to chew.
And I felt my consciousness slipping away. My Life slipping away. The pain actually subsided then for a few seconds and I could sware any second I was going to see angels standing infront of me. I was waiting to see a bright light. But then the pain came back suddenly and ferociously. And I couldn’t feel anything naturally. And the pain was so intense in so many regions that my mind couldn’t occupy on anything else. My broken arms. My bust eye. My smashed face. My blocked throat. No teeth. And so much blood. And My cockles crotch.
And then it’s just darkness but I can hear a nibbling sound, and I wonder how long it will be before I feel some relief. Before I’m dead. But my head spins, and within the darkness I can still feel my self moving. Maybe I blacked out, because The choking feeling suddenly goe’s away, and my head isn’t in such a vortex but I still can’t feel my arms. And oh my god the pain in between my legs. I feel blood pumping from me and I feel fainter now, and the faint feeling absorbs the pain and I can feel my legs trembeling, and my stomach muscles compress. So tight, then relaxed, then cramped, and then relaxed.
And then I peel my one good eye open, the blood in it has dried and I can see only a little, but I see the light. The light I was waiting for. A hiss of sulphur and then I see the silhouette of a man holding a match. Is he God? Let it be god. Let me be dead. Let it be an angel come to take me away. But he doesn’t see me. My legs tremble really hard when I try to move. I try to call out but the man has his back to me, and my voice doesn’t catch, I just weeze. “Do you live here?” I hear him ask the boy. And I want to warn him. I want him to take me away. He asks the boy what he has in his mouth, and the boy points at me, and the man turns to me, and I see it. He has my face. He has my face. He has the face I had . And the boy picks up his wooden bat again and stalks behind Jeremy, me, as I walk towards myself, as I’m laying still here, bleeding, and ready to just fucking die. And I tell him “He took something very important to me!” and He notices my disfigurements all at once. And I realise I’m not talking about the boy taking my cock. I’m talking about pajo taking my life. And I want the man with the match – my twin – my copy – whatever it is – to know, that I’m not talking about the boy. But a sound rings in the desolate room. The sound of hard wood on skull, and I drop to my knees in front of me, and I look startled as I’m smashed in the back of the head, totally unawares, for the second time tonight. And my eyes glaze over as I accept the true horror of what lays in front of me: me. And I close my eyes and my legs tremble again and I feel very week. The pumping blood slows and Im sure there’s not much left in me and I hear cries, and cracks, and splatters. And I’m left wondering: Are there really only three dimensions? Can the dimensions even be numbered? And once I’ve crossed one, and been given medication to stay in there and explore, and then I don’t remember anything except what Pajo repeats every time, Does a bit of my Zobra stay there. And am I left split in so many pieces in so many places that my mind is one constant puzzle that can only ask questions that can’t be answered, because I never do ask pajo these question. Or maybe I do. Constantly, in some random dimension, because I’m not only lost, I’m becoming omnipresent, and I’m loosing my mind. And blood trickles from my mouth and meets with the blood trickling from my other mouth and face to face with myself, we both die. But I think I’m still alive. I know Im still alive. Everywhere. But I also know I’m dead. And I hate that for a time I don’t know anything. And for that time I walk a road and then I’m destroyed -
The End.
Oh and btw, @ Marduk, I dig those poems. Actually an immense pulse to pages. It's that one actually see's decent poetry on forums, so although I'm not big on poetry myself, seeing these were a real treat and I don't want to sound like that's just because it's novelty. I actually did really like all three poems. Sorry I'm so late in saying. I guess I just didn't catch them before this thread sank. Do treat us with more some time won't you