The last few hours of 2005 were good for me. Got a heart-warming email and plenty sms with wishes, and i made one or two phonecalls. I might watch a movie later, and tomorrow i'll do a few more phonecalls. Let's see when the shit hits the fan again. 
The definite, new "How Do You Feel" Thread
- Thread starter Schwedentod
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Venenum Veritas
/frank ruiz
nf: like this was the most horrible day in my life, i don't really know if i want to live anymore...
RampageSword
AWARE! BEWARE! WAR!
NF : Strange. I'm somewhat inhabited by a soft melancholy as I remember last year's memorable moments. So many memories in that year. 2005 has been very grateful to me, in fact, I could say I'm a completely different man now that I was a year ago.
@Venenum Veritas : I must say that I never really had the privilege to know you very much since I'm a rather young member on this forum and I must say that the news of your departure is still affecting me. Especially when I read those sad words of yours. All I can say is that everytime I thought of suicide I always said to myself : There are two options in front of me :
1-Suicide. My life ends. No more pain. I'm out of my misery yet I never lived happinness.
2- I go on and try. I can't know for sure what awaits me in the future and I can only hope it'll be good. If not, at least I tried my chance.
I'm no psychologist and these are only my thoughts still I hope you chose to try before you die...
@Venenum Veritas : I must say that I never really had the privilege to know you very much since I'm a rather young member on this forum and I must say that the news of your departure is still affecting me. Especially when I read those sad words of yours. All I can say is that everytime I thought of suicide I always said to myself : There are two options in front of me :
1-Suicide. My life ends. No more pain. I'm out of my misery yet I never lived happinness.
2- I go on and try. I can't know for sure what awaits me in the future and I can only hope it'll be good. If not, at least I tried my chance.
I'm no psychologist and these are only my thoughts still I hope you chose to try before you die...
@rampage sword: i'm finding that suicide thoughts, at least for me, are not driven by a momentary state of very intense sadness or disappointment. i normally spring back and react, when things go down the drain. but i find myself thinking more and more of a bullet in the head when everything is normal and i just contemplate the possibility of not going anywhere with my life. also, the fear of having, somewhere down the line, to suffer hell for some kind of illness suddenly makes suicide very appealing.
now, i will not kill myself, mainly out of a religious reason and out of the fact that there's people who are definitely worse off than me and they keep on fighting. but i've got a growing feeling that i can't win (this world was never meant for one as beautiful as me) that brings a feeling of despair every now and then.
now, i will not kill myself, mainly out of a religious reason and out of the fact that there's people who are definitely worse off than me and they keep on fighting. but i've got a growing feeling that i can't win (this world was never meant for one as beautiful as me
) that brings a feeling of despair every now and then.
marduk1507
Member
Please, keep on working on your salvation, everybody. Sounds pretty stupid, huh? Well, theres probably no one there to save you, even though you crave for it, he or she would probably be the first person whom youd tell "leave me alone!" RampageSword knows whats it like to reap the rewarding feeling of self-content.
RampageSword
AWARE! BEWARE! WAR!
marduk1507 said:
^I'm not sure if this is sarcasm but if it is not, I'm happy you agree with me. Now if it's only an euphemism for masturbation I must say, it's a good one
@hyena : I'm not living in your world so I can't really fathom your reactions because I don't know how hard you have it. When you say that suicide thoughts are not caused by momentary moments of sadness and you usually get over it, I think this is true for most people. It's usuallly a long process (I'm talking years) before someone really builds up the desire to commit suicide. Now this feeling you have that you can't win I do know what it's like. I felt like that for many years. I now realise that, for me, this whole thing was mostly a question of attitude. Also, I now know what I want to do with my life and having a goal, something to aim for which could be referred to as "a true calling", really helped me out. Now, having sprung out of my overhwelming feeling of defeat, I came to see that in those days, I was only remembering the bad moments because those were proving to me how miserable my life was. It was some sort of vicious circle. Now, I've changed my attitude, I remember good moments and yeah, I know this really sounds like a cheap and cheesy motivation book but that's how it went for me. However I'm not saying that all you have to do is condition yourself to change your attitude towards life. I don't think that's gonna work. What I think is really the key, is to be able to ask yourself what you really want do with your life and fight all you can to do it.
@rs: well, there's the x-ray of my 'i can't win' thing:
- i am a published author with a very good job in an elite institution. nobody gives a fuck.
- i am fairly well-off, both because i had a good start and because i'm apt at trading. nobody gives a fuck.
- the GRE says that i'm top 1% in the fucking world where analytical intelligence is concerned. nobody gives a fuck.
- i have had a rough two years. my father died after a terrifying fight with cancer. one of my most esteemed friends died in the same way just one year before. now, i don't like whining, but fuck the fucking fuck.
- my brother needs help from me.
- i have had some of the disappointments of the century where friendship is concerned (i.e. those people who don't give a fuck should know better).
- it's always raining.
- i'm emotionally idiotic: a very good, likeable guy fell for me and was looking at marriage, yet i can't bring myself to like him in a way different from friendship.
- i also feel guilty for whining nonstop when, well, i do have it all.
- i am a published author with a very good job in an elite institution. nobody gives a fuck.
- i am fairly well-off, both because i had a good start and because i'm apt at trading. nobody gives a fuck.
- the GRE says that i'm top 1% in the fucking world where analytical intelligence is concerned. nobody gives a fuck.
- i have had a rough two years. my father died after a terrifying fight with cancer. one of my most esteemed friends died in the same way just one year before. now, i don't like whining, but fuck the fucking fuck.
- my brother needs help from me.
- i have had some of the disappointments of the century where friendship is concerned (i.e. those people who don't give a fuck should know better).
- it's always raining.
- i'm emotionally idiotic: a very good, likeable guy fell for me and was looking at marriage, yet i can't bring myself to like him in a way different from friendship.
- i also feel guilty for whining nonstop when, well, i do have it all.
RampageSword
AWARE! BEWARE! WAR!
For these three I must say that I don't think it's anything close to a good reason to feel incompetent or depressed. I mean, take it from this point of view : You know for a fact that you have these capacities and that, nobody can deny. Where it doesn't work too well is that you need the others' approval in order to appreciate your talents. Why should you? I'm not saying you should ignore everything everyone is saying to you. What I'm saying is that if you know you have these things then why do you need so much the others to tell you you're good? You know you are.hyena said:
There's nothing much you can do about that now is it? Of course it's painful to see your father and friend die that way, but what can I say? All you can do is move on. I even have an anonymus quote for this one : "Well if you keep living in the past, you soon realise that you are dying in the present."
In what way? Is it that you don't like helping your brother or is it that you have to help him all the time because he's too apathic to do anything by himself? I don't know why it should depress you. I mean if people would seek my help in whatever way, I'd consider a compliment.
I agree with you on that point. True friends have always been a rare breed. However, you shouldn't judge someone and classify him as a "should know better" simply because he hasn't told you how good an author you are. I mean did you ever thought that maybe these "ungrateful bastards" always knew how wonderful you are but they just never told you because you never asked (this is an assumption, I know. Maybe you did ask and they said you suck and if this is so, then you did a good thing dumping these morons)
Yeah, well...Water=Fun
You could always take the weather man hostage...That doesn't mean much. I once fell in love with a very likeable woman to whom I have been a good friend for a while and we had a lot of points in common. Still, our relation lasted two months. That's because we weren't meant to be together. I strongly believe that just because someone is likeable doesn't mean it's stupid of you to not love him. If you're only capable of friendship that's because it's what you want with this person. Yous shouldn't have to force yourself to love him.
I don't think you should feel guilty for whining. I mean, there's no law against questioning oneself's capacities, is there? The rest of the quote however, I do agree with.
Regarding suicide, i've had my "moments" too.. What kept me was either the strong support of friends, or more recently this thought: i can always do it later..
It sounds silly, but that thought kept me going, knowing there can be an end to the pain and that it doesn't have to be now, because then i'd be losing the good things that will possibly come along. What's the rush anyway, i've managed to survive before. And people manage to survive through much worse, every day. There's nothing to lose by waiting a bit more.
And trust me, in hindsight, good things will come along. When you've reached the bottom of the barrel, the only thing left is to rise up.
That said, i hope you won't hurt yourself, Venenum Veritas, and that you overcome all your pain and problems.
It sounds silly, but that thought kept me going, knowing there can be an end to the pain and that it doesn't have to be now, because then i'd be losing the good things that will possibly come along. What's the rush anyway, i've managed to survive before. And people manage to survive through much worse, every day. There's nothing to lose by waiting a bit more.
And trust me, in hindsight, good things will come along. When you've reached the bottom of the barrel, the only thing left is to rise up.
That said, i hope you won't hurt yourself, Venenum Veritas, and that you overcome all your pain and problems.
@rampage sword: thanks for taking the time to comment on my post. i would have some comments to make but i don't want to clog the forum with me, me, me.
@hyena: this is the NF thread, and it's not like the forum is so full of posts. as far as i'm concerned you wouldn't be clogging the forum, so if you feel like posting about yourself, you're welcome to do it.
RampageSword
AWARE! BEWARE! WAR!
hyena said:
I understand your concern and at the same time I agree with Siren. Still if you really want to continue this discussion without clogging the thread, there's always the PM option.
marduk1507
Member
@RS, hyena: No, that wasnt an euphemism for anything, its just that Im really clumsy with words and my command of English sucks. I watched The Hours yesterday. Im not saying I understand better the things that might be going on in hyena´s life, but at least it gave me a great picture of three women who have a really hard time being happy.
@hyena: that triplet of "nobody gives a fuck" of yours probably provided me with the best insight into your way of thought. Who should give the fuck I wonder? And I also wonder how huge the fuck wouldve had to be to make you completely satisfied. The size of the Earth? The universe? No, I dont think that would be huge enough. I feel sorry for you, thats all I can do. Maybe you just dont know how to be happy and how to love someone else. But, someone always loves you...
No, that wasnt an euphemism for anything, its just that Im really clumsy with words and my command of English sucks. I watched The Hours yesterday. Im not saying I understand better the things that might be going on in hyena´s life, but at least it gave me a great picture of three women who have a really hard time being happy. @hyena: that triplet of "nobody gives a fuck" of yours probably provided me with the best insight into your way of thought. Who should give the fuck I wonder? And I also wonder how huge the fuck wouldve had to be to make you completely satisfied. The size of the Earth? The universe? No, I dont think that would be huge enough. I feel sorry for you, thats all I can do. Maybe you just dont know how to be happy and how to love someone else. But, someone always loves you...
fireangel
Member
hyena said:
Nothing to feel guilty about that, or like missing an opportunity. You would only miss the opportunity if it was someone you would like to spend your life with and things would feel right.
There cannot be any loss if what you "lost" is not the person that would have matched you and your standards. How would you "bring yourself" to love someone, that sounds crazy. You cannot force feelings upon yourself. If he likes to be friends with you without marrying you, be happy that you have one more friend and don´t worry about the rest.
You just inspired me to repeat what has been my motto the last months: Love yourself.marduk1507 said:
You can't be happy if you can't love yourself (cause if you don't love yourself you'll always find a reason to not let yourself be happy). Maybe hyena just doesn't love herself enough. And this is no euphemism about masturbation either.
RampageSword
AWARE! BEWARE! WAR!
@Siren,marduk : I see we all agree on one point : It's hard to really feel good if you don't love yourself first. So all of this is, in the end, a matter of self-confidence. You must really know for yourself that you are a good person after that, if your friends also tell you you're good, you'll be happy. If they don't tell you, you'll still be happy.
@hyena : Well I think some people do care about you. In fact, I can name four right now : Siren, marduk1507, fireangel and me. And there's probably more that we don't know about.
@hyena : Well I think some people do care about you. In fact, I can name four right now : Siren, marduk1507, fireangel and me. And there's probably more that we don't know about.
fireangel
Member
RampageSword said:
wait, I don´t agree on that
I just said, not to force things on oneself that go completely against your own inner judgement even if objectively (who defines that anyways...) the characteristics would be right.
RampageSword
AWARE! BEWARE! WAR!
marduk1507
Member
@RampageSword: well, yeah, a certain healthy amount of selfishness is necessary, but those things hyena wrote made me quite sad. Look at me, I am this, I am that and nobody gives a fuck. Its not like herself (well, we mustnt forget that its her web self and ours too, although I must admit that this particular forum seems different to me, like the people here are almost real, if you know what I mean, not just avatars, its probably due to the band, like the band, like the forum members ). In my heart, in the deepest of my hearts, I also have a tendency to despise most of the people and their talk (as hyena and horseman said elsewhere) and have very few real friends. But I see this place as a place of hell within me, like a pool of black bile within me which it is best to keep deep down. I am really happy for you, because I believe I know what kind of change you were talking about. I changed thanks to my wife. Maybe she doesnt understand some of the things I say, but she always feels it. I am trying to get to some point through reason and then she comes and does something completely trivial and in that act is all I was looking for. So, coming back to the point, the ability to love and be happy comes only through openness to other people and through willingness to change. For people like us its very often not about love (I will never be able to love my wife the way she loves me - but that doesnt mean I will divorce her or feel guilty or depressed), but about work. We have to learn these things from others. Waiting for the world´s appreciation of who I am and what I have achieved wont help a bit.
). In my heart, in the deepest of my hearts, I also have a tendency to despise most of the people and their talk (as hyena and horseman said elsewhere) and have very few real friends. But I see this place as a place of hell within me, like a pool of black bile within me which it is best to keep deep down. I am really happy for you, because I believe I know what kind of change you were talking about. I changed thanks to my wife. Maybe she doesnt understand some of the things I say, but she always feels it. I am trying to get to some point through reason and then she comes and does something completely trivial and in that act is all I was looking for. So, coming back to the point, the ability to love and be happy comes only through openness to other people and through willingness to change. For people like us its very often not about love (I will never be able to love my wife the way she loves me - but that doesnt mean I will divorce her or feel guilty or depressed), but about work. We have to learn these things from others. Waiting for the world´s appreciation of who I am and what I have achieved wont help a bit.- Status
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