The official and most atmospheric Children of Joonas thread

As the email said Arcane had his problem with this new design too... I think we are getting favour to a bunch of old ladies, who don't understand modern technology:D
 
Mmmm, we are getting divorced so he can marry one of his other sisters. #yourmomwasaslut
 
It was an artificial insemination. Somebody harvested my eggs without consent so I used one. Is that wrong? Am I supposed to allow trisomy X to overtake us all?

I will tell you what is wrong. Apartheid is wrong. Leave Mali alone.
 
Most atmospheric Finnish verse, 0:50 - 1:30, children's horror tale about two scared little goblins treading the wintery forest. I wish there was a doom metal band with such style, about the little animals of the forest and the gigantic horrors they get faced with.

 
The forum is fine. Yeah it was hard for me to adjust at first too but come on. Do you people bitch this much irl?
 
Hey dickfaces please tell me what to do with a termite problem in my house, should I use gasoline and match or just watch them germs fucking eat my fucking roof and freeze to fucking death???? I got these termites the size of a cat and they're already crawling up my toilet and kitchen sink and ventilation and I'm literally freaked out man. Should I get a gun?
 
(__Joonas__) said:
Hey dickfaces please tell me what to do with a termite problem in my house, should I use gasoline and match or just watch them germs fucking eat my fucking roof and freeze to fucking death???? I got these termites the size of a cat and they're already crawling up my toilet and kitchen sink and ventilation and I'm literally freaked out man. Should I get a gun?
Click to expand...
Good luck getting a gun in Finland. I must say I've never tried though so it may be easier than I think. Also, good luck shooting termites with it. You want to get rid of them? Get ants. They eat termites. ;)
 
These termites eat dogs... they're monsters. I have every reason to suspect I attracted them into my house by playing Mortician from my stereos.
 
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Today I wake up and I'm being eaten by termites the size of a ferret. Now I'm merely a skeleton. I hear my bony fingers clapping on the keyboard as I type. Help me.
 
My current top 10:

Silent Night
Follow the Reaper
Children of Decadence
Taste of My Scythe
Everytime
Hellhounds
Deadnight Warrior
Halo of Blood
Living Dead
Warheart
 
Bodom should make an album with this kind of riff speed (and aggression): 0:54 - and blend it with memorable melodies. Can you imagine their album starting with a song with this riff repeating between verses with orchestral hits and dark bass work, like a serial killer in the moonlight? For verses you would have fast doublebass, you would have riffs with choir ahs to create tension, then epic keyboard solo in the mix played on the lower octaves. They really need to up the speed and make the soundworld mythical and make riffs that are actually dark. I want to see psychotic people with knives chasing you in a magical night forest when I listen to them. It's my vision of how this music should be, anyway. They should use the low grand piano supporting drums sometimes like in the Tie My Rope breakdown, and also supporting riffs. So in other words pack the musical information into 3 minutes instead of 5, and focus on dark atmosphere. I swear that album would blow everyone away. They're supposed to sound ridiculously fast, menacing and epic. Songs could go straight into business and end as ruthlessly as they begin, and still hold an atmospheric mid-section and unforgettable melodies while maintaining gripping speed. Then include a 30 second ambient passage between each song to give a breather and suspense.If you have any doubts, remember SNBN and HOB last only 3:16 and are epic as fuck as they contain a lot of musical information and musical tension. You could have a couple 4-5 minute songs that are doomy as fuck - it's important to show you can control your thing at both fast and slow tempos. Slow and simple stuff is instantly recognizable but gets boring soon, while the fast, melodically and musically rich material sometimes takes a few listens to grasp but then it's interesting forever, especially if it's instantly recognizable as epic. We know normal people can't enjoy Bodom because its melodies are too fast for them to feel in their mind, frustrating as it i, but I think the problem is COB are reaching out of their true sound to the mainstream which effectively diminishes their magic.

 
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(__Joonas__) said:
Bodom should make an album with this kind of riff speed (and aggression): 0:54 - and blend it with memorable melodies. Can you imagine their album starting with a song with this riff repeating between verses with orchestral hits and dark bass work, like a serial killer in the moonlight? For verses you would have fast doublebass, you would have riffs with choir ahs to create tension, then epic keyboard solo in the mix played on the lower octaves. They really need to up the speed and make the soundworld mythical and make riffs that are actually dark. I want to see psychotic people with knives chasing you in a magical night forest when I listen to them. It's my vision of how this music should be, anyway. They should use the low grand piano supporting drums sometimes like in the Tie My Rope breakdown, and also supporting riffs. So in other words pack the musical information into 3 minutes instead of 5, and focus on dark atmosphere. I swear that album would blow everyone away. They're supposed to sound ridiculously fast, menacing and epic. Songs could go straight into business and end as ruthlessly as they begin, and still hold an atmospheric mid-section and unforgettable melodies while maintaining gripping speed. Then include a 30 second ambient passage between each song to give a breather and suspense.If you have any doubts, remember SNBN and HOB last only 3:16 and are epic as fuck as they contain a lot of musical information and musical tension. You could have a couple 4-5 minute songs that are doomy as fuck - it's important to show you can control your thing at both fast and slow tempos. Slow and simple stuff is instantly recognizable but gets boring soon, while the fast, melodically and musically rich material sometimes takes a few listens to grasp but then it's interesting forever, especially if it's instantly recognizable as epic. We know normal people can't enjoy Bodom because its melodies are too fast for them to feel in their mind, frustrating as it i, but I think the problem is COB are reaching out of their true sound to the mainstream which effectively diminishes their magic.

Click to expand...

You screwed up the video :D

Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcpdXIk2j14
 
Hypocrisy is earning my nr 1 current metal band slot now since Bodom's triumph as nr 1 is ever increasingly distant and based on their past form and nostalgy albums which they seem to take with repulsive attitude. At least these guys can perform everything they have and perform a great gig with past, middle and new material. Bodom could still do great gigs but they don't understand which songs sound good live and which ones don't, and Alexi's vocal cords unfortunately wore out long ago so it's unrealistic to expect the Hatebreeder days' black metal screaming.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96T4Lz1Hmfg
 
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