The "Random Bullshit" Thread
- Thread starter Fullangr
- Start date
*Mika*
'Bridget'
An amusing way of defining different metal genres
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess. And then writes a song about it.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, tames the dragon using his guitar, takes the mighty beast as his new steed, then flies up to the highest tower, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her, very fast, in that order.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave.... without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle to the ground before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, kills her and leaves, all the while screaming horrific bullshit.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, then kills her before drinking her blood in a satanic ritual. He then impales her next to the dragon.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, he then gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of that sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the princess and the protagonist and chokes to death. Their souls are damned in the fires of hell for all eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone’s screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered. The dragon and the princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from mass and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, 'sorry love, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage.'
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle pink.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored and leaves, searching for the POWER METAL protagonist.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his stupid fucking baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The 'protagonist' arrives and just moans about how hard it'll be to get the princess to fall in love with him. The dragon eats him and the princess is delighted, as he was a whiny little faggot anyway.
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess. And then writes a song about it.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, tames the dragon using his guitar, takes the mighty beast as his new steed, then flies up to the highest tower, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her, very fast, in that order.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave.... without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle to the ground before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, kills her and leaves, all the while screaming horrific bullshit.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, then kills her before drinking her blood in a satanic ritual. He then impales her next to the dragon.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, he then gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of that sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the princess and the protagonist and chokes to death. Their souls are damned in the fires of hell for all eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone’s screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered. The dragon and the princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from mass and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, 'sorry love, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage.'
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle pink.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored and leaves, searching for the POWER METAL protagonist.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his stupid fucking baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The 'protagonist' arrives and just moans about how hard it'll be to get the princess to fall in love with him. The dragon eats him and the princess is delighted, as he was a whiny little faggot anyway.
Fenrisúlfr
ὠδÏÏÎºÎ¿Ï Î»ÏκοÏ
Thraxas
Ale quaffer
*Mika*
'Bridget'
I take no credit for that, its a chain email, but so brilliant it had to enter the forum
N.B looking for car insurance is a hobby for those with suicidal tendencies, please let it be restricted to them only!
*is brain numbingly bored*
N.B looking for car insurance is a hobby for those with suicidal tendencies, please let it be restricted to them only!
*is brain numbingly bored*
False Joe
Who cares.
*Mika*
'Bridget'
False Joe
Who cares.
Saturnia
Ms. Wanderlust
*Mika*
'Bridget'
Katie'Force
Kables
hahaha gotta love the metal fairy tales, had that in my blog for ages, still makes me laugh....
in fact here's something else i've had for a while but makes me giggle:
Things you may not know about Dragonforce
Little does everyone know, Dragonforce was the first metal band. Before Dragonforce, there was no metal. In fact, before Dragonforce, men lived in caves and hunted their prey.
- There are two types of metal: nu metal, and Dragonforce.
- A new study conducted by professors at Harvard University shows that Dragonforce is the only band worth listening to.
- During a show, Dragonforce once played so fast, the sound waves from the speakers ripped the skin off their fans.
- At another show, Dragonforce played so fast, they broke the speed of light, traveled back in time, and ripped a hole in the Titanic, causing it to sink. So now, before shows, Dragonforce's manager injects them with horse tranquilizer which dramatically slows them down in order to avoid such tragedies from occuring again.
- The originators of Sonic the Hedgehog got the idea for the name of the character from the second Dragonforce album, Sonic Firestorm. How this was done before Dragonforce ever formed has yet to be determined.
- When someone who hasn't heard Dragonforce asks you what they sound like, just tell them that Dragonforce is like Manowar (minus the loin-cloths and assless chaps, they're saving those for album number four) at 200 mph, times infinity to the bajillionth power
- As if Dragonforce isn't fast enough, they once played a show while addicted to speed...There were no survivors.
- Whenever there is a threat to our homeland security, the President calls upon Dragonforce to save the day. They arrive in a homemade jet called the Dragonheart, riding with fire burning hot towards the night sky, and use all their might to slay the terrorists and fly off above the winter moonlight...but not before getting boozed and gangbanging the first daughter.
- Herman Li's hair is so long, he once clothed himself with it and nobody noticed he wasn't wearing anything.
- Herman Li's hair is so long, his windmill headbang is considered a deadly weapon, and he is not allowed on airplanes.
- Herman Li's hair is so long, he can swing it around in circles and propel himself into the air.
- In the race between the tortoise and the hare, Dragonforce won.
- When Sam Totman entered a beer drinking contest, they declared someone else as the winner, but only because Sam had finished his beers so fast, no one could see him do it.
- Dragonforce is so fast, that one time their manager made them play a gig under water to slow them down. But his plan backfired, as the motion of their fingers caused a miniature tsunami that drowned all their fans.
- Whenever you hear the sound of thunder in the sky, it's not the weather acting up. It's Dragonforce performing a private show for Elvis. 'Cause Elvis is down with the D-Force.
- A revolutionary new dog whistle has just been released on the market. When you blow it, the sound of ZP's voice comes out.
- Dragonforce taught David Lee Roth how to jump really high in his music videos.
- "The Shredder" from the Ninja Turtles was obviously a fan of Herman Li.
- Leading psychologists have conducted a new study that has determined that exposure to Dragonforce's highly uplifting melodies at an early age has greatly decreased suicide rates.
- Dragonforce's music is like a conga dance: 1, 2, 3, and kick every other power metal band's ass.
- Every member of Dragonforce has special powers. Sam has Medusa pants. Anyone who looks at his white, skin-tight jeans is immediately turned to stone. Herman has the "power of hair" which allows him to fly and to eliminate inferior musicians from a distance. Dave kicks the shit out of people at a rate of fifty kicks to the face per second. Vadim's holy jeans are so mesmerizing, they stun his nu-metal enemies while he tears out every one of their veins and uses them as piano strings. ZP has the power of "balls in a vice grip" wich allows him to put his enemies' balls into a vice grip...
- When something is a little dull or plain, it either needs more cowbell, or more Dragonforce.
- Dragonforce steals the coins out from under children's pillows when they lose a tooth and blow it all on booze and hookers.
-Sam Totman and Herman Li's shredding powers go to such an awesome degree that the Heads of the weak, the emo and the impure metaller explode when listened to due to their inability to handle the immense power.
-ZP Theart turned down the opportunity to play Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings adaptations on the basis that it wasn't epic enough
-Dragonforce are the only thing in existence that can kill Lemmi
-Iron Maiden's Eddie is Herman Li's squash partner
- The real reason Adrian left was because Sam was hogging all the beer and would attempt to do solos on ketchup bottles during gigs.
- In a race between a Ferrari and a Lamborgini, Dragonforce wins.
- The only two things visible from space with the naked eye are the Great Wall Of China and Herman Li's hair.
- Dragonforce tends to destroy all the buildings in which they play due to sonic booms.
- Ever since 1999, the year Dragonforce formed, sonic boom related deaths have risen tenfold.
- There's real music, and then there's Dragonforce. Dragonforce doesn't qualify as "real" music, because their skills are so godlike, their music couldn't possibly be created by man, and so it must be unreal.
- One time, Dragonforce played a gig near Mt. St. Helens in Washington state. A sonic boom from their speakers caused one whole side of the mountain to blow up. Little do most people know, that volcano was completely dormant.
- Historians made an important discovery this week when they discovered hidden documents from a thousand years ago, written by William the Conqueror. They appear to be part of his personal diary. In it, he writes his personal thoughts, opinions, and justifications for all of his conquests. He states that the true reason for his invasion of England was so he could go see Dragonforce.
- Chuck Norris listens to Dragonforce. 'Nuff said.
in fact here's something else i've had for a while but makes me giggle:
Things you may not know about Dragonforce
Little does everyone know, Dragonforce was the first metal band. Before Dragonforce, there was no metal. In fact, before Dragonforce, men lived in caves and hunted their prey.
- There are two types of metal: nu metal, and Dragonforce.
- A new study conducted by professors at Harvard University shows that Dragonforce is the only band worth listening to.
- During a show, Dragonforce once played so fast, the sound waves from the speakers ripped the skin off their fans.
- At another show, Dragonforce played so fast, they broke the speed of light, traveled back in time, and ripped a hole in the Titanic, causing it to sink. So now, before shows, Dragonforce's manager injects them with horse tranquilizer which dramatically slows them down in order to avoid such tragedies from occuring again.
- The originators of Sonic the Hedgehog got the idea for the name of the character from the second Dragonforce album, Sonic Firestorm. How this was done before Dragonforce ever formed has yet to be determined.
- When someone who hasn't heard Dragonforce asks you what they sound like, just tell them that Dragonforce is like Manowar (minus the loin-cloths and assless chaps, they're saving those for album number four) at 200 mph, times infinity to the bajillionth power
- As if Dragonforce isn't fast enough, they once played a show while addicted to speed...There were no survivors.
- Whenever there is a threat to our homeland security, the President calls upon Dragonforce to save the day. They arrive in a homemade jet called the Dragonheart, riding with fire burning hot towards the night sky, and use all their might to slay the terrorists and fly off above the winter moonlight...but not before getting boozed and gangbanging the first daughter.
- Herman Li's hair is so long, he once clothed himself with it and nobody noticed he wasn't wearing anything.
- Herman Li's hair is so long, his windmill headbang is considered a deadly weapon, and he is not allowed on airplanes.
- Herman Li's hair is so long, he can swing it around in circles and propel himself into the air.
- In the race between the tortoise and the hare, Dragonforce won.
- When Sam Totman entered a beer drinking contest, they declared someone else as the winner, but only because Sam had finished his beers so fast, no one could see him do it.
- Dragonforce is so fast, that one time their manager made them play a gig under water to slow them down. But his plan backfired, as the motion of their fingers caused a miniature tsunami that drowned all their fans.
- Whenever you hear the sound of thunder in the sky, it's not the weather acting up. It's Dragonforce performing a private show for Elvis. 'Cause Elvis is down with the D-Force.
- A revolutionary new dog whistle has just been released on the market. When you blow it, the sound of ZP's voice comes out.
- Dragonforce taught David Lee Roth how to jump really high in his music videos.
- "The Shredder" from the Ninja Turtles was obviously a fan of Herman Li.
- Leading psychologists have conducted a new study that has determined that exposure to Dragonforce's highly uplifting melodies at an early age has greatly decreased suicide rates.
- Dragonforce's music is like a conga dance: 1, 2, 3, and kick every other power metal band's ass.
- Every member of Dragonforce has special powers. Sam has Medusa pants. Anyone who looks at his white, skin-tight jeans is immediately turned to stone. Herman has the "power of hair" which allows him to fly and to eliminate inferior musicians from a distance. Dave kicks the shit out of people at a rate of fifty kicks to the face per second. Vadim's holy jeans are so mesmerizing, they stun his nu-metal enemies while he tears out every one of their veins and uses them as piano strings. ZP has the power of "balls in a vice grip" wich allows him to put his enemies' balls into a vice grip...
- When something is a little dull or plain, it either needs more cowbell, or more Dragonforce.
- Dragonforce steals the coins out from under children's pillows when they lose a tooth and blow it all on booze and hookers.
-Sam Totman and Herman Li's shredding powers go to such an awesome degree that the Heads of the weak, the emo and the impure metaller explode when listened to due to their inability to handle the immense power.
-ZP Theart turned down the opportunity to play Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings adaptations on the basis that it wasn't epic enough
-Dragonforce are the only thing in existence that can kill Lemmi
-Iron Maiden's Eddie is Herman Li's squash partner
- The real reason Adrian left was because Sam was hogging all the beer and would attempt to do solos on ketchup bottles during gigs.
- In a race between a Ferrari and a Lamborgini, Dragonforce wins.
- The only two things visible from space with the naked eye are the Great Wall Of China and Herman Li's hair.
- Dragonforce tends to destroy all the buildings in which they play due to sonic booms.
- Ever since 1999, the year Dragonforce formed, sonic boom related deaths have risen tenfold.
- There's real music, and then there's Dragonforce. Dragonforce doesn't qualify as "real" music, because their skills are so godlike, their music couldn't possibly be created by man, and so it must be unreal.
- One time, Dragonforce played a gig near Mt. St. Helens in Washington state. A sonic boom from their speakers caused one whole side of the mountain to blow up. Little do most people know, that volcano was completely dormant.
- Historians made an important discovery this week when they discovered hidden documents from a thousand years ago, written by William the Conqueror. They appear to be part of his personal diary. In it, he writes his personal thoughts, opinions, and justifications for all of his conquests. He states that the true reason for his invasion of England was so he could go see Dragonforce.
- Chuck Norris listens to Dragonforce. 'Nuff said.
Saturnia
Ms. Wanderlust
"....So, the guy dragging the longboat was asked to leave it in the parking lot, and two berzerkers were turned away for exhibiting unsafe behavior..."
Fenrisúlfr
ὠδÏÏÎºÎ¿Ï Î»ÏκοÏ
Katie'Force
Kables
"....So, the guy dragging the longboat was asked to leave it in the parking lot, and two berzerkers were turned away for exhibiting unsafe behavior..."
damn it!
now what are we gonna do?
i found it funny at the bullet for my valentine gig a few years ago, there was an 'incident' at a gig before leeds so from then on they banned all studded belts... so 99% of people spent the entire night holding their trousers up, was rather amusing when they'd forget and start clapping and many a trouser fell down
Mr. Lapin Kulta
Evil invader
Two days of work left to go and then SUMMER VACATION MOTHAFUCKERS!!! I'll be on vacation until the 14th of bloody August. Feels fucking A! This summer will be spent 1) Enjoying family life 2) Fixing things around the house and the garden (bought this house in september 07) 3) Drinking lots and lots and lots of beer 4) Watching the European Championship on TV and 5) Relaxing. Can't wait!!
I'll be home alone with my daughter for the first couple of weeks as my fiancée works until the 11th of July, then we'll be together for the remainder of the vacation. Will not visit many festivals this summer. Probably just Piteå Dansar och Ler which is a local pop/rock festival. Will check out Sabaton and drink insane amounts of beer with my pals and bros. Also in August I'll go to Jalometalli in Oulu, Finland. That's it though.
Not looking foward to the autumn. I'll go from teaching history (1 class), english (1 class) and swedish (1 class) to teaching 4 classes of english and 3 in swedish. 150 pupils and a helluva lot of work :zombie:
End of meaningless rant...
I'll be on vacation until the 14th of bloody August. Feels fucking A! This summer will be spent 1) Enjoying family life 2) Fixing things around the house and the garden (bought this house in september 07) 3) Drinking lots and lots and lots of beer 4) Watching the European Championship on TV and 5) Relaxing. Can't wait!! I'll be home alone with my daughter for the first couple of weeks as my fiancée works until the 11th of July, then we'll be together for the remainder of the vacation. Will not visit many festivals this summer. Probably just Piteå Dansar och Ler which is a local pop/rock festival. Will check out Sabaton and drink insane amounts of beer with my pals and bros. Also in August I'll go to Jalometalli in Oulu, Finland. That's it though.
Not looking foward to the autumn. I'll go from teaching history (1 class), english (1 class) and swedish (1 class) to teaching 4 classes of english and 3 in swedish. 150 pupils and a helluva lot of work :zombie:
End of meaningless rant...
Saturnia
Ms. Wanderlust
damn it!
now what are we gonna do?
Wear nothing at all, except warpaint.
Two days of work left to go and then SUMMER VACATION MOTHAFUCKERS!!!
Must be nice! I wish I didn't have to step out of the house all summer long.
Katie'Force
Kables
*Mika*
'Bridget'
ingrid
Member
"....So, the guy dragging the longboat was asked to leave it in the parking lot, and two berzerkers were turned away for exhibiting unsafe behavior..."
haha omg, that's so pathetic if you can't even bring your horn with you
*Mika*
'Bridget'
haha omg, that's so pathetic if you can't even bring your horn with you
I guess thats more detrimental to men though!
