The Only "Game of Thrones" Recap You'll Ever Need
Here’s what happened on last night’s episode of “Game Of Thrones”:
People with confusing names like “Lord Gulletcrumb” and “Sir Blackraven” and “Clod Bannister” ate meat chunks with their fingers and drank wine out of silver cups while staring menacingly at each other.
When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, but first you talk and talk and talk and talk.
A Lannister always pays his debts, next episode.
There were double-crosses and triple crosses and then a totally random, soft-core threesome.
There’s no crying in Westeros. There’s also no laughing or smiling or singing. There is only growling, whispering or screaming in pain.
Everybody underestimates this tiny pimp, until he proves he's Master of the Sick Burn or just straight-up slaps a brat with an open palm and then everyone is all "Oh, you got told."
Winter is coming. It is really, really, really close.
That person you don’t want to die who is good and noble dies a horribly death, and that person you do want to die who is vile and cruel will live and drink wine out of a silver cup.
An old Shakespearean character actor delivers a line about “honor” and “vengeance” as if he was playing Richard III in a regional theater production.
Dragon Lady has a destiny, which we know because she’s always shouting about it.
There’s the king, and the rightful king, and the once and future king, and bunch of pretenders-to-the-throne. It’s confusing, but don’t worry. There will be boobs and/or slaughter soon.
Absolutely no one bathes. Blood is used as a hair product.
Someone gets disemboweled. Someone gets beheaded. Someone gets his or her throat cut. There’s jugular spurt. Guts splatter. Then, later, gratuitous boobies.
Map scrolls are unrolled. Fingers stab the unrolled map scrolls.
Hodor.