51 rules for a power metal fan to avoid being labeled as gay

[Yetti]

51 Rules for a Power Metal fan to avoid being labeled as gay

1. No matter what you do, you are gay

2. Don’t enjoy manOwar, they are gay

3. Never go outside carrying a sword.

4. Don’t hold you sword and scream “poweeeeeer of steeel”. That is gay
5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong in metal.

6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds.

7. Never talk about hobbits. Hobbits are gay

8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation of the word Elf in it.

9. Don’t say Hail and Kill. That is quite homosexual.

10. Avoid saying, “man that guy sure has a great falsetto!”

11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay

12. Scratch that, you have no girlfriend.

13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it. Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck.

14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as “the saviours“, or “the templars”.

15. Don’t listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year. Hammerfall are gay

16. Do not live in your parents basement.

17. Do not live with your parents.

18. Do not ask your mother to wash your Tolkien underwear.

19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate Helloween.

20. That’s all you know? You are gay

21. Do not go to Renaissance faires. That is beyond gay

22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit.

23. Do NOT carry your sword.

24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob.

25. Don’t talk to her about manOwar. Refer to rule 2.

26. Do not refer to intercourse as “returning the dragon to its lair”

27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse.

28. Do not listen to faggoth.

29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag queen.

30. Do not get offended when people say that Stratovarius sounds like Helloween.

31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki.

32. Avoid saying “Slays.”

33. Don’t refer to Death Metal as “cookie monster crap”.

34. If you do not like Death Metal, pretend to know something about it.

35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal. Fag!

36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal. Fag!

37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth. See 101 Rules of Black Metal.

38. Don’t masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen.

39. Don’t masturbate to a picture of manOwar. Cretin.

40. Don’t masturbate wearing leather.

41. Don’t masturbate wearing armor.

42. Switch hands.

43. Avoid saying the word “Power” too often.

44. If you have a band do not use the following words in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Metal, Sword, Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Metal, Kings, Battles.

45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do not brush them off as Posers.

46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George.

47. Never say “Heavy metal or no metal at all”. In other words, don't be gay

48. Don’t wear loin cloths. You know what’s coming. gay

49. Don’t scream “metal brother” at concerts unless you like beatings.

50. Don't be Dani Filth...err i mean, NEVER carry your sword outside your house!

51. Refer to rule 1.

 

[EagleFlyFree]

haha lol!!

you know there's a really serious stereotype with power metal bands... i imagine most people here are more of black/death metal listeners so they probably don't like power metal... but really, not all power bands out there are all about battles and warriors and all that crap like Rhapsody (i despise them anyway)

 

[Tut Ankh Amon]

>46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George.

 

[Nightmarez]

Nice for a laugh.

 

[Venymous]

power metal is not gay. not all power metal bands are like Bal-Sagoth, singing about battle. Iced Earth is fucking awesome power metal...and i like Hammerfall.

 

[Venymous]

but its still funny...lol

 

[-WildChild In Time-]

Very funny!! I'm gonna save it and send to my friends by e-mail, hehe. Where can I get the 101 rules of black metal?

 

[Torgoth]

Didn't I posted this to Offtopic-thread before?

power metal is not gay.

Yes, it is.

not all power metal bands are like Bal-Sagoth, singing about battle.

Bal-Sagoth isn't power metal.

 

[Cebbe]

that whas funny dude!

 

[†_Aragorth_†]

hahahahaahah...this is fucking funny, man

 

[Belgiantroll]

hey bigyetti,

are you by any chance member on the finntroll forum?

Cause both the joke about the "51 rules of power metal" and the "Black metal"-thing appeared there both shortly before you posted them here. Are you? Or is it merely coincidence

 

[Peti]

haha

 

[EagleFlyFree]

Yes, it is.

no, it's not not 50% of it at least

Metalium, Helloween, Gamma Ray and Nightwish are definitively not gay

Sonata Arctica, Edguy, At vance, Masterplan are all maybe just a bit gay (mainly cause of their singers' style hehe but they are godly anyways)

Freedom Call and Rhapsody are the embodiment of all that is gay, but still sound somewhat good

 

[bodomite]

that was HILARIOUS

 

[Belgiantroll]

Very funny!! I'm gonna save it and send to my friends by e-mail, hehe. Where can I get the 101 rules of black metal?

here: http://www.metalstorm.ee/fun/101.htm

some other funny stuff also at http://www.metalstorm.ee/fun/

 

[Yetti]

hey bigyetti,

are you by any chance member on the finntroll forum?

Cause both the joke about the "51 rules of power metal" and the "Black metal"-thing appeared there both shortly before you posted them here. Are you? Or is it merely coincidence

coincidence. i actually found it on the testament board a little while back.

 

[~metal_maiden~]

However, IMO Power Metal is not gay. The music is great and so are the lyrics. But, the 51 rules are hilarious.

 

[ShadowLioness]

 

[Morbid In Rock]

Sonata Arctica, Edguy, At vance, Masterplan are all maybe just a bit gay (mainly cause of their singers' style hehe but they are godly anyways)

What????? Do you think Jorn Lande voice is gay???? I'll kill you!!!

He has a strong and powerful voice...a vocal genius! Listen to ARK before saying things like you said...

 

[Dethroned]

However, IMO Power Metal is not gay. The music is great and so are the lyrics. But, the 51 rules are hilarious.

You stole my words.