51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
sound the same way it did 9 f-in years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever
greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the
terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of
attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder
paper in the middle of math class or your kid brothers spirograph.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you
really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine
Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to kiss the Dark Lord's greasy ass at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy arse" whenever
possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the freakin...whups, "Fuckin" day, and instead of looking evil, look dork...*blink* *blink*...ACH!, never mind, see rule 1.
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house at x-mas time is not "pimping it".
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily >:-(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to
it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. F#%K, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested
tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, younger brothers legos etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists
of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend,
and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-shit shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-shit" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "fuck" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish, esperanto.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and go look for a bridge to sit under..."fight" soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
