51 Rules for a Power Metal fan to avoid being labeled as gay


May 26, 2002
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1. No matter what you do, you are gay

2. Don’t enjoy manOwar, they are gay

3. Never go outside carrying a sword.

4. Don’t hold you sword and scream “poweeeeeer of steeel”. That is gay

5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong in metal.

6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds.

7. Never talk about hobbits. Hobbits are gay

8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation of the word Elf in it.

9. Don’t say Hail and Kill. That is quite homosexual.

10. Avoid saying, “man that guy sure has a great falsetto!”

11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay

12. Scratch that, you have no girlfriend.

13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it. Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck.

14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as “the saviours“, or “the templars”.

15. Don’t listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year. Hammerfall are gay

16. Do not live in your parents basement.

17. Do not live with your parents.

18. Do not ask your mother to wash your Tolkien underwear.

19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate Helloween.

20. That’s all you know? You are gay

21. Do not go to Renaissance faires. That is beyond gay

22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit.

23. Do NOT carry your sword.

24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob.

25. Don’t talk to her about manOwar. Refer to rule 2.

26. Do not refer to intercourse as “returning the dragon to its lair”

27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse.

28. Do not listen to faggoth.

29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag queen.

30. Do not get offended when people say that Stratovarius sounds like Helloween.

31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki.

32. Avoid saying “Slays.”

33. Don’t refer to Death Metal as “cookie monster crap”.

34. If you do not like Death Metal, pretend to know something about it.

35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal. Fag!

36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal. Fag!

37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth. See 101 Rules of Black Metal.

38. Don’t masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen.

39. Don’t masturbate to a picture of manOwar. Cretin.

40. Don’t masturbate wearing leather.

41. Don’t masturbate wearing armor.

42. Switch hands.

43. Avoid saying the word “Power” too often.

44. If you have a band do not use the following words in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Metal, Sword, Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Metal, Kings, Battles.

45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do not brush them off as Posers.

46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George.

47. Never say “Heavy metal or no metal at all”. In other words, don't be gay

48. Don’t wear loin cloths. You know what’s coming. gay
49. Don’t scream “metal brother” at concerts unless you like beatings.

50. Don't be Dani Filth...err i mean, NEVER carry your sword outside your house!

51. Refer to rule 1.
Yeah, dude, wtf, Power metal sucks so much cock..I mean, it's like you're hearing someone do a musical rendition of playing Dungeons and Dragons. Power Metal shouldn't even be called Power Metal, power metal sounds like something past black metal, but, no, fags had to make it FAIRY METAL! OOH, LETS GO LISTEN TO FAIRY METAL AND YNGWIE MALMSTEEN!!!! CAN'T GET GAYER THAN YNGWIE MALMSTEEN! He's like the guitar playing form of Liberache, or Elton John..
Hmm.. maybe it's just me, but I thought this list is just as boring and uncreative as the black metal list.

I like your arguement against power metal Creeping Death. Yngwie is be gay because he plays "fairy metal". That's very convincing. I see that you like black metal, but I'm guessing that wearing grandma's make-up and tight leather is a very masculine and heterosexual thing to do, unlike playing fairy metal. I can only hope that someday I'll be as cool and informed as you, Creeping Death.