The 51 Rules of Power Metal

[Tiff]

This cracked me up to no end, simply because I know people who do these things and I can't stand power metal. And since a lot of us will be at ProgPower this year for Nevermore, I thought it best to know what we are in for.


51 Rules for a Power Metal fan to avoid being labeled as gay


1. No matter what you do, you are gay
2. Dont enjoy ManOwar, they are gay
3. Never go outside carrying a sword.
4. Dont hold your sword and scream poweeeeeer of steeel. That is gay
5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong in metal.
6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds.
7. Never talk about hobbits. Hobbits are gay
8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation of the word Elf in it.
9. Dont say Hail and Kill. That is quite homosexual.
10. Avoid saying, man that guy sure has a great falsetto!
11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay
12. Scratch that, you have no girlfriend.
13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it. Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck.
14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as the saviours, or the templars.
15. Dont listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year. Hammerfall are gay
16. Do not live in your parents basement.
17. Do not live with your parents.
18. Do not ask your mother to wash your Tolkien underwear.
19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate Helloween.
20. Thats all you know? You are gay
21. Do not go to Renaissance fairs. That is beyond gay
22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit.
23. Do NOT carry your sword.
24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob.
25. Dont talk to her about ManOwar. Refer to rule 2.
26. Do not refer to intercourse as returning the dragon to its lair
27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse.
28. Do not listen to faggoth.
29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag queen.
30. Do not get offended when people say that Stratovarius sounds like Helloween.
31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki.
32. Avoid saying Slays.
33. Dont refer to Death Metal as cookie monster crap.
34. If you do not like Death Metal, pretend to know something about it.
35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal. Fag!
36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal. Fag!
37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth. See 101 Rules of Black Metal.
38. Dont masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen.
39. Dont masturbate to a picture of ManOwar. Cretin.
40. Dont masturbate wearing leather.
41. Dont masturbate wearing armour.
42. Switch hands.
43. Avoid saying the word Power too often.
44. If you have a band do not use the following words in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Metal, Sword, Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Metal, Kings, Battles.
45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do not brush them off as Posers.
46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George.
47. Never say Heavy metal or no metal at all. In other words, don't be gay
48. Dont wear loin cloths. You know whats coming. GAY!
49. Dont scream metal brother at concerts unless you like beatings.
50. Don't be Dani Filth...err i mean, NEVER carry your sword outside your house!
51. Refer to rule 1.

 

[Lunar Still]

That was, to quote each and every rule, "gay."

 

['Nife [Spirit Crusher]]

Hah. I liked it. I know quite a few power metallers that act like that.. so I can relate.

 

[schenkadere]

You can avoid being labeled as gay by:

1) Not sitting around focusing your thoughts on gayness while compiling a list of your 50 top gay masturbation fantasies.
2) You're gay.
3) Refer to both 1 & 2

 

[AsModEe]

52. Don't read this gay list

 

[schenkadere]

52. Don't read this gay list

53. See 52

 

[AsModEe]

at least we won't fight over that

 

[Skeckz]

This cracked me up to no end

You are very easily amused.

 

[Tiff]

You are very easily amused.

oh no doubt. Like right now, my boss (a 20 year veteran corporate lawyer) is walking around the office with his hand tucked up into his sleeve saying "my hand got cut off" and I thought I was going to rupture a blood vessel from laughing so hard.
I'll admit the list is dumb, but I think they are hitting a bit too close to home for some of you

 

[schenkadere]

oh no doubt. Like right now, my boss (a 20 year veteran corporate lawyer) is walking around the office with his hand tucked up into his sleeve saying "my hand got cut off" and I thought I was going to rupture a blood vessel from laughing so hard.
I'll admit the list is dumb, but I think they are hitting a bit too close to home for some of you

I think you're wrong...I think it's gay and just plain dumb. Seems most everyone agrees so far.

 

[Tiff]

Oh it's not hitting close to home for you?

I love power metal...I recently downloaded their latest album,This Godless Endeavor, after hearing such rave reviews. What a disappointment. This is crap of epic proportions. Jeff Loomis is nothing to speak of...wow, another guy who can sweep pick...snore!

As posted on the Billy Milano forum no less. That post has rendered any of your opinions null and void to me.

 

[Liverslapper]

i disagree with a few rules, cradle of filth is great stuff, and i was my own tolkien underwear dammit! lol jk

 

[schenkadere]

Oh it's not hitting close to home for you?

As posted on the Billy Milano forum no less. That post has rendered any of your opinions null and void to me.

Well...power metal for lack of a better term...like Priest's Painkiller or Firewind...not that gay shit you're referring to as power metal...I don't even consider that crap metal.

It's nice to see you wasting your time doing research...you must be very busy...maybe I'll show you my cod piece one day.

 

[Tiff]

Well...power metal for lack of a better term...like Priest's Painkiller or Firewind...not that gay shit you're referring to as power metal...I don't even consider that crap metal.

It's nice to see you wasting your time doing research...you must be very busy...maybe I'll show you my cod piece one day.

Actually you're right, I'm not busy. I just closed an $8 million real estate deal this morning, so I get to rest on my laurels for the remainder of the day. The research is the lawyer in me. I just had to figure out why this thread got your panties in a bunch. Lighten up.

 

[schenkadere]

Oh it's not hitting close to home for you?

As posted on the Billy Milano forum no less. That post has rendered any of your opinions null and void to me.

Your quoting Timothy Leary renders anything you have to say as null and void...and your mere existence renders you a fag.

I have to go do some research and dig up quotes on you, Tiff...oh, no, wait...I have better things to do...like rag on this queer thread and it's originator.

 

[Tiff]

Your quoting Timothy Leary renders anything you have to say as null and void...and your mere existence renders you a fag.

I have to go do some research and dig up quotes on you, Tiff...oh, no, wait...I have better things to do...like rag on this queer thread and it's originator.

omg you're right I'm such a fag, what with my being a gay man and all. It's cute how you keep proving the thread's point about power metalers.

 

[Liverslapper]

$8 million relstate deal? can i borrow some money?

 

[En Vind Av Sorg]

Power metal fans are generally the coolest and most down to earth people in the metal crowd in my experience. Some people take the artists and their concepts much more seriously than intended. As with many genres, the stereotypes of a few seem to give people a sour impression on the genre as a whole.

 

[schenkadere]

Power metal fans are generally the coolest and most down to earth people in the metal crowd in my experience. Some people take the artists and their concepts much more seriously than intended. As with many genres, the stereotypes of a few seem to give people a sour impression on the genre as a whole.

I agree with you on this point...also on all the ridiculous categorizing that goes on in metal...this core, that core...everytime someone farts, they're creating a new genre. I mean mathcore!...what the hell is that?

 

[Tiff]

I agree with you on this point...also on all the ridiculous categorizing that goes on in metal...this core, that core...everytime someone farts, they're creating a new genre. I mean mathcore!...what the hell is that?

And I'll agree with you on this point, although there is nothing quite like rockin out to some Norsecore.