Oh wait, no its not. This is Opeth and they bring to you boring acoustic passages and crappy riffs at amazing speeds such as 75 bpm, 80 bpm, and 85 bpm (this is only legend, as the concept of going over 80 bpm is incomprehensible to Opeth).
Well to start thing off The Leper Affinity starts off rather promising. Promising in the "well, its not THAT incredibly boring" way. Who knew you could stretch out transition riffs into melody riffs. Not me, thats for sure. Also, I'm noting that the first "riff" has a dissonant quality to it. For those unfamiliar with music terms, that means the riff sounds like shit. Well 2:12 into this one and I've heard two riffs. Fantastic. Now theres a solo that didn't do anything for me. Wait, theres a build up to a thrash section starting at 3:10!!! Oh wait, they just play a variation on the first riff, my mistake. Wow, an acoustic passage...that was...completely unnecessary. Oh, and the vocal effect fucking sucks too. I'll make this short, the next couple of minutes are exactly the same and then it ends with an overlong piano outro that is also boring.
Bleak. Well, this one starts off with a riff similar to the opening riff of The Leper Affinity, except they seemed to have added a scale at the end of it. Whoever had the bright idea of growling aggressively over an acoustic pattern was a moron, as it sounds incredibly out of place. At 2:50 we are introduced to the second main riff of this one, and sadly its identical in structure and tempo as the first. Whoa, this guy is NOT a good singer. That clean vocal part starting at 3:25 sounds oddly like Matchbox 20. This, my friends, is not a good thing. The song transitions from this to a complete drop out in guitars, followed by a guitar solo that would make a lounge band proud. This song sucks and it sounds exactly like the last one. Oh, and it ends with a horrendously over distorted guitar that sounds like farts escaping from an over tight ass. Brilliant! Hand these men a Grammy for fucks sake! I hate my life!
Harvest is a 6 minute long acoustic passage. Enough said.
The Drapery Falls starts off with two (2) whole minutes of a riff being run into the ground capped off with an, you guessed it, acoustic passage with obligatory crappy clean vocals. Except these clean vocals feature special guest star "crappy vocal effect". Hooray. This crap lasts for another two minutes and then theres a crappy part where "Ahhhhhh" is repeated over and over again in a "I wish I was in Korn" vocal style. Then there are growling vocals over a riff that sounds like every other riff before it. Then I hit the skip button because I tire of this song.
Next up is Dirge For November and it starts off like Harvest and evolves into The Leper Affinity. After a mind-numbing riff attack (3 major riff ideas), at 5:45 Opeth decides to stop playing for a bit and contemplate on how the metal kids who are afraid to buy Pink Floyd because it isn't "metal" will be shelling out for this drivel. And so it ends with a guitar only acoustic passage that is far the fuck too overlong.
The Funeral Portrait. Its The Leper Affinity with three bad solos instead of one.
Next up is the absolute highlight of Opeth's career, Patterns In The Ivy. Truly a great song for two reason, no vocals, and it clocks in at 1:52. Kinda like the Harvest except not repeated adnauseum and with a boring piano part at the end. This beer goes out to you Opeth, you have made me suffer only for about two minutes instead of ten, and I appreciate it greatly.
Finally the title track rounds off this riff monster of an album with a blistering attack that is bound to inspire such chaos as 1) dropping your car keys 2) re-adjusting your ass in a seat and 3) yawning. This song sounds like all the others. From 2:45 to 5:15 there is a complete drop out of instruments and we are treated to a "beautiful" and "atmospheric" acoustic passage that is devoid of anything but guitar. Ever notice that once someone uses the buzz words "beautiful" or "atmospheric" that 9/10 the music probably sucks. That goes for all music mediums and genres. Anyways, the song plods on like only Opeth can and then dies with a whimper. Granted, its been whimpering for the past hour, but thats beside the point.
This is not extreme metal, death metal, black metal...hell, I'm hard pressed to call it metal at all. To all those Opeth kids out there, give up your artsy bullshit and listen to real music, metal or otherwise. I point you to Mr. Bungle for progressive music that is actually fun and entertaining.
