Lame Jokes (I know off topic. BUT GOLD endures)

[Bill S.]

Disclaimer: My Mom's side of the family is Polish, so I can get away with telling this.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Polock find themselves stranded in a lifeboat, after their ship sinks. After several days with no food or water, they find a bottle floating in the ocean, and upon opening it, a genie comes out.

Genie: "I can only grant 3 wishes, and as there's 3 of you, you each get ONE wish. Choose wisely."

Englishman: "That's easy, I wish I was back home in London, with my wife and son."

Poof! The Englishman disappears.

Frenchman: "I wish I was home with with my beautiful fiance, Antoinette."

Poof! The Frenchman disappears.

The Genie turns to the Polock, who's deep in thought. After several minutes, the Polock looks around the lifeboat and says:

"Gee, it's kinda lonely around here, I wish I had my friends back..."

Poof!

 

[Phantomreaper]

On a warm summer morning there's man sitting on a park bench. As he is sitting there the hottest woman he has ever seen walks by. He starts bawling his eyes out, the woman, concerned, turns around and asks him, "What's wrong?" He looked up and said, "Six days ago the doctor told me I had a week to live, so tomorrow I'm going to die a virgin." She thinks for a moment and she tells him "I probably shouldn't do this, but why don't you come back to my place." He stops crying and they go back to her place.

She pointed him toward the bedroom and said, "I will be there in one minute, I'm just going to freshen up." So he gets undressed and waits on the bed. She comes in, they skip all formalities and just do it. They both fall asleep.

That afternoon she wakes up startled to find him laughing hysterically. Thinking she was just taken advantage of, she asks, "What the hell is so funny!?" The man replies, "I have good news and bad news." Now thinking she might have contracted some terrible disease, she asks, "What's the bad news?"

He responds, "I think I have gotten you pregnant."

Relieved she doesn't have a disease, she asks, "What's the good news?"

He responds, "I'm dying tomorrow."

 

[Resonator]

Michael Jackson

 

[TheSleepingDrummer]

What do you call a fly that has lost its wings?
A walk.

 

[Thimon]

I have no idea what "suckercupped" means... But, anyway;

Heaven was running out of space, and it was decided that only those who had a really bad day before they died would be let inside.

[...]

"OK, so here I am, naked and hiding in a refridgerator..."

this one's just hilarious (I hope I woke nobody up by laughing )

I would have a bad joke as well...but if translated the meaning is gone. So I just post it in german:

Ein Mantafahrer geht zum Bäcker und kauft einen Laib Brot. Er verlässt den Laden und isst das Brot. Danach erbricht er das Brot in die Tüte und schmiert sich das Ganze unter die Achseln.

Ein Passant fragt den Mantafahrer: "Was zum Teufel machen Sie da?"
Der Mantafahrer antwortet nur: "Der Pfarrer hat doch gesagt: Brecht das Brot und verteilt es unter den Armen"

 

[Spanish_Lass]

put 5 Emos in a room, what happens???

one kills himself, because he has no corner to cry

Why hasnt anyone come with how many emos it takes to screw a lightbulb joke yet?

 

[Spanish_Lass]

this one's just hilarious (I hope I woke nobody up by laughing )

Ein Mantafahrer geht zum Bäcker und kauft einen Laib Brot. Er verlässt den Laden und isst das Brot. Danach erbricht er das Brot in die Tüte und schmiert sich das Ganze unter die Achseln.

Ein Passant fragt den Mantafahrer: "Was zum Teufel machen Sie da?"
Der Mantafahrer antwortet nur: "Der Pfarrer hat doch gesagt: Brecht das Brot und verteilt es unter den Armen"

Im chuffed my German is improving! But I still had to search Mantafahrer... (manta driver?) Does it mean Redneck or Hillbilly by any chance?

 

[Thimon]

Im chuffed my German is improving! But I still had to search Mantafahrer... (manta driver?) Does it mean Redneck or Hillbilly by any chance?

well redneck seems to be at least an apropriate term. In german there are some jokes making fun of manta drivers (just like jokes about blondes...), them mostly being rather dumb persons. Doesn't really matter here, the joke would be exactly the same if you replace the manta driver by any other person

 

[anus slayer ov the dogs]

Okay, this one's really awesome but I have to translate it from my own language:

A black man in a bus station suddenly realizes that he needs to shit badly.
There's no bathroom near and he has to wait for the bus to take him home.
He is waiting there and the time passes, he really gotta shit and the bus doesn't show up. After about 15 minutes he just can't hold it anymore and he shits right in the bus station. A few moments later, the bus arrives and the black guy asks: "How much does one ticket cost?"
The driver answers: "two dollars for you, and one for the baby."

Here's another one:

A kid from a black family comes back home and sees his father shitting.
The kid runs to his mother, hysterically shouting: "Mother, mother! Dad's melting!"







I am not a racist !

 

[DamageInc.]

those are pretty evil... I like em...

 

[waif]

Those are terrible though. Good racist humor is either so offensive it couldn't be taken seriously or actually funny.

 

[Spanish_Lass]

well redneck seems to be at least an apropriate term. In german there are some jokes making fun of manta drivers (just like jokes about blondes...), them mostly being rather dumb persons. Doesn't really matter here, the joke would be exactly the same if you replace the manta driver by any other person

Mantas are not called like that in Spain. Among other things because "una manta" is a blanket. And "un manta" Is a loser, or a piece of crap. So even the German makes sense

It would not be good marketing sense to call a car Loser. Just like we had to rename the Mitsubishi Pajero, we know it as Montero. Because Pajero means wanker.

 

[Thimon]

It would not be good marketing sense to call a car Loser. Just like we had to rename the Mitsubishi Pajero, we know it as Montero. Because Pajero means wanker.

other language, different meaning - shit happens

 

[GardinenVonAsgaard]

Just don´t try to translate it ^^ .. *pokes her brother .. not willing to write more as i´m a little drunk and pissed..lol*

 

[truemmer]

O.K. my turn...

A guy runs a red light and is stopped by the police. A pretty female officer approaches his car and he opens the window to ask her: "Alright, how much?". She anwsers: "100 Dollars" - "Alright! Jump in!" ...

What does a manta driver say to nuns waiting at a bus stop? "Jump in ladies. Batman's friends are my friends!" ...