I realized why I am so messed up. It's because I identify with my father so much and look to his example as a model to guide me through life. He met my mother in middle school and married her pretty much right after he graduated college. Well, I just graduated college and I'm not where he was.
It's weird because sometimes I get royally pissed at Simone de Beauvoir. Not because she's wrong, but because she's right. Women have been liberated for the most part and raised to the status of men in society, for the most part. The result is that it's so much harder to acquire and maintain relationships and marriages. All my idols, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Machiavelli, all had wives to come home to and fuck everyday while during the day they pursued their projects and made an impact on the progress of human civilization.
I want to be like those idols, to have a project, but I feel I cannot do that until I have that female component squared away so it is no longer a distraction and rather a certainty I can depend upon. That was how it was for two years of my life and during that time I made the greatest strides in my life and really formed my identity. Now it's all fallen apart.
It's almost a negative dialectic because I know objectively that women are equal to men, but the fact of that means that the tradition of keeping women in cyclical, predictable, traditional roles in society can no longer be relied upon and it's keeping men like me from reaching my full potential as a human being. Part of that humanity is the need to have intimacy. That's a basic need, low on Maslow's hierarchy, and without it I cannot reach the top of that pyramid of self-actualization.
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