Dead Winter
STAHP
I read a story one time about a guy who shaved his asscrack because he thought it would be a good idea. It was hilarious detailing all the horrible things that followed. I'd love to find it again.
Never gave myself a proper introduction/misanthropic rant thread
- Thread starter Craysh3
- Start date
Det Som Engang Var
Viking Bastard
Craysh, I've worked more jobs with long hair than you've worked in your life. And after all that garbage you typed the best thing you can tell me is "fuck off and die"?
I've never used the ignore function in my life but this seems a good a time as any.
I've never used the ignore function in my life but this seems a good a time as any.
Dead Winter
STAHP
Haha, FOUND IT!
--------
Don’t Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.”
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair – ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
--------
Don’t Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.”
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair – ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
- Dec 17, 2008
- 893
- 0
- 16
Well, altitudes is a prick... But again, isn't 'respect' a completely subjective term? (Like pretty much every other noun, pronoun, or adjective) and long hair often has nothing to do with aesthetic degradation (see Kevin pictures for further study). I honestly think it's more of just prejudice against males having long hair, which is absolute fascist bullshit all over again. For some odd reason (army and national defense an exception), western culture developed an image for males that some bushwacker back in the day considered to be 'proper' and all the subordinates who were kissing his ass at the time would obviously not object, because it never got in the way of their paycheck, just their dignity. If you relate males having long hair to a lack of hygiene, that is just being mind-numbingly ignorant and stereotypical. It all comes back to conformity, which all comes back to business, because everyone looking the same and doing the same thing all the time makes it easier for gargantuan conglomerate entities to be able to sell more useless shit to more useless (semi-)sentient masses of protoplasm. Is being angry at constant nonsensical social structures all around me really an age thing? Because I know of plenty of 18 year who are just fine and dandy being blissfully oblivious to all of this mental jargon.
Captain Beard
No longer active
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DarkNoise
Grotesque Butchery Rabbit
DW - where the HELL did you find that? I had to stop reading at one point due to laughing too hard to focus.
Dead Winter
STAHP
What you are just now starting to contemplate has been contemplated for decades.
Everyone knows that people should judge you on the inside and not the outside, but that's not how the world works. You either accept it or you don't. Either way doesn't make you a good or bad person, it's just your personal choice. You see, both ends of the spectrum are just as sad. People who judge you for having long hair are assholes, and people who constantly whine about being oppressed by the corporate "fascists" are faggoty losers.
A happy medium is what you should strive for. Idealism has its place, as does pragmatism. You might want to try to move out of your parents' house before trying to change a culture based on the culmination of eons of other cultures.
Everyone knows that people should judge you on the inside and not the outside, but that's not how the world works. You either accept it or you don't. Either way doesn't make you a good or bad person, it's just your personal choice. You see, both ends of the spectrum are just as sad. People who judge you for having long hair are assholes, and people who constantly whine about being oppressed by the corporate "fascists" are faggoty losers.
A happy medium is what you should strive for. Idealism has its place, as does pragmatism. You might want to try to move out of your parents' house before trying to change a culture based on the culmination of eons of other cultures.
DarkNoise
Grotesque Butchery Rabbit
keeping short hair is conforming? well fuck that, I'm gonna grow my hair out to be different like everyone else
Captain Beard
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- Sep 6, 2001
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*Points at Craysh* It is know known that you are the bastard offspring of DeadWeiner and Resonator.
Dead Winter
STAHP
I read it YEARS ago in an email sent to me from someone...it was like 1998 or something. I just did a search on the web and found it.
DarkNoise
Grotesque Butchery Rabbit
Altitudes, a prick? I can count on one hand the people I've seen who have screwed up so badly that he disliked them.
You're not helping your case. Your 'analysis' of hair and stereotypes is nothing new... but, one better, your insistence on denouncing the corporate conglomerate business entities and their uniformity doesn't look too good when you are trapped in an equally nonsensical mandatory-hair kick. You're no harder to sell to than the short-haired, uneducated, ignorant masses. If you're going to be countercultural, don't jump into a 'counterculture' that's already bought and sold every fucking day.
Even the 'history' you'd like to believe in to make all those *other people* look like sheep is uninformed - the 'bushwackers' were one of the sides of a certain influential European country's civil war, who cut their hair in protest and destroyed the fuck out of the other guys.
Can you say something that isn't uninformed hooey, preaching to the choir, or buying into bloody Hot Topic 'counterculture' backwash? Hair simply *isn't* that fucking important, and by making such a big deal out of it you're no better than the people who passively buy into the corporate image with short-haired suits.
It doesn't look that way at all - it looks like you're being overly defensive out of some combination of insecurity and maintaining an appearance.
Jeff
You're not helping your case. Your 'analysis' of hair and stereotypes is nothing new... but, one better, your insistence on denouncing the corporate conglomerate business entities and their uniformity doesn't look too good when you are trapped in an equally nonsensical mandatory-hair kick. You're no harder to sell to than the short-haired, uneducated, ignorant masses. If you're going to be countercultural, don't jump into a 'counterculture' that's already bought and sold every fucking day.
Even the 'history' you'd like to believe in to make all those *other people* look like sheep is uninformed - the 'bushwackers' were one of the sides of a certain influential European country's civil war, who cut their hair in protest and destroyed the fuck out of the other guys.
Can you say something that isn't uninformed hooey, preaching to the choir, or buying into bloody Hot Topic 'counterculture' backwash? Hair simply *isn't* that fucking important, and by making such a big deal out of it you're no better than the people who passively buy into the corporate image with short-haired suits.
It doesn't look that way at all - it looks like you're being overly defensive out of some combination of insecurity and maintaining an appearance.
Jeff
Dead Winter
STAHP
I just typed in DO NOT SHAVE YOUR ASS HAIR or something like that into google and it popped up on some gaming clan site.
http://leedeth.wordpress.com/56th-canadian-legion/
Captain Beard
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well darknoise, you got me there, it depends on where you're situated, but on a global standpoint, I think it's pretty safe to say that long-haired males are more of a minority than short-haired males and therefore much less pretentious. Shit, we should be getting scholarships, special parking access, and global donation funds at this point.
Jeff, stop responding so damn quickly. Most of my normal wear comes from salvation army stockpiles, aside from the several metal shirts I bought online, which is hardly a testament to the Hot Topic (which I don't think we have up in Canada) counterculture kids. If I have to get a pair of pants due to uncontrollable factors such as weather on short notice, I'll occassionally go to Winners/Wal-Mart, because of time constraints. You're right, It's hard to avoid big businesses without being homeless, but that wasn't the context of my argument. I was merely arguing var's implied statement of how you need short hair to get by around here, that's all. Lastly, and I repeat myself once more, I make a big deal about hair because I sincerely believe that its just as legitimate to make a big deal about as anything else is around here. It's all relative and all part of a grander scheme of things. The arguments and trains of thought that are going on around here, including your own, trail onto subjects like biology, political science, psychology, philosophy, etc. so again, I never forced anybody to agree with me yet, I just lay my shit on the table and share my slice of life like the good-spirited communist that I am, and go about my day. Done.
Jeff, stop responding so damn quickly. Most of my normal wear comes from salvation army stockpiles, aside from the several metal shirts I bought online, which is hardly a testament to the Hot Topic (which I don't think we have up in Canada) counterculture kids. If I have to get a pair of pants due to uncontrollable factors such as weather on short notice, I'll occassionally go to Winners/Wal-Mart, because of time constraints. You're right, It's hard to avoid big businesses without being homeless, but that wasn't the context of my argument. I was merely arguing var's implied statement of how you need short hair to get by around here, that's all. Lastly, and I repeat myself once more, I make a big deal about hair because I sincerely believe that its just as legitimate to make a big deal about as anything else is around here. It's all relative and all part of a grander scheme of things. The arguments and trains of thought that are going on around here, including your own, trail onto subjects like biology, political science, psychology, philosophy, etc. so again, I never forced anybody to agree with me yet, I just lay my shit on the table and share my slice of life like the good-spirited communist that I am, and go about my day. Done.
DarkNoise
Grotesque Butchery Rabbit
skinheads shave their head. thus short hair is bad jbroll. duh!
seriously though welcome to the fire and flames craysh
seriously though welcome to the fire and flames craysh
Captain Beard
No longer active
- Sep 6, 2001
- 28,010
- 99
- 48
DarkNoise
Grotesque Butchery Rabbit
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