I really psyched myself out yesterday, but I am genuinely determined to make improvements in my habits and priorities. I think a major thing about me is I want to identify with older age groups than my own, that is, in academia, which is causing me to think so negatively about my own generation and the Sturm und Drang of youth in general. Also, I am a huge control freak, and when I sense I'm losing control of my own life, I have a doom-and-gloom crisis like I did yesterday.
Classics is my life, Grant. I live it every day and it forms so integral a part of not only my thought patterns, but also my identity as a human being historically, culturally, and even spiritually. I would sacrifice anything for it, and I have done so. And I want to sacrifice even more, crucify myself for it. The Greco-Roman pantheon, in a figurative sense, is what I worship. I cannot fathom being a scholar in this field without living the way the Greeks and Romans did, speaking their language, thinking their thoughts. The phil- in philology is no paltry prefix.
This sounds like fanatical rhetoric, but it is a genuine passion. Every person should have a passion to be this devoted to. It's how we derive purpose from life.