Marge: Something electrical might be good.
Homer: Weh-eh-eh, let me handle the creative end of this, Marge. You don't understand how the creative mind works, like I do.
Marge: Oh?
Homer: You look at this table, and what do you see? Just a table. Now, a creative person, like me, looks at this table and sees all kinds of creative things... But no table.
Marge: Homer, that's not a table... That's our dryer.
Homer: Ahhhh! My files!
=====
School Librarian: Excuse me, are you a student at this school?
Homer: I think it's pretty obvious that I am... Go school!
=====
Homer: Okay boy, this is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.
Grease Guy: Four pounds of grease... That comes to... 63 cents.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Bart: Dad, all that bacon cost $27 dollars.
Homer: Yeah, but your mom paid for that.
Bart: But doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer: And I get my money from grease, what's the problem?
=====
Homer: Okay, this bacon's done... And now for the profit taking.
Bart: Uh dad... I don't think the dog can handle anymore bacon.
Homer: Looks like he's about ready for another squeezing.
Marge: Homer... That side of bacon was for my Bridge game tonight.
Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: No... Through savings and wise investment... Of course with grease!
=====
Bart: Mom's gonna kill you!
Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she shoulda done a better job hiding the keys.
=====
Homer: Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know your busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that, but if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profit to charity.
Bart: Dad... He's not stupid.
Homer: Alright, screw it... Let's roll.....
(Barrels fall off of car)
Hmm... I knew I should have attached those somehow.
=====
Homer: He may have been a dirty, stinkin' coward... But show me a Simpson that isn't.
Lisa: I'm not a coward.
Homer: BLARGH RALAGHH! Alright, you're not a coward... And that's beside the point, because... BLARRAGH!
Lisa: Look, to get our dog back, we need a plan.
Homer: A plan, eh? BLALARALAGH! RAHHHHH! BLOOLOOLOOLOO! ...Okay... We'll use a plan.
=====
Homer: Marge, prepare the celebration ham!
Marge: All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Homer: Marge, they're just hams, okay?
=====
Homer: Well boy, now that we've got you back, I'm never gonna let you go again.
Lisa: Uh oh dad, I think he peed on the rug.
Homer: To me, that says "I love you".
Bart: I think he left a "big hug" in your lunchbox.
Homer: Ehhh, it was probably that stupid cat.
Marge: That cat saved your life.
Homer: What has he done for me lately?
Marge: He woke you up when you stopped breathing last night.
Homer: Yeah, but he ate the last can of tuna!
Lisa: Dad, you ate the last can of tuna.
Home: Everyone's against me...
=====
Bart: Everyone knows that the first day of school is a big wank.
Principal Skinner: Well, if by wank you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time.
=====
Marge: People do crazy things in ads... Like eat at Arby's.
=====
Homer: Mars, eh? I see no evidence of water.
=====
Principal Skinner: Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney.
Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name.
Lisa: Did she just tell me to shut up?
Principal Skinner: Take it outside.
=====
Lisa: So, there I am being nice to Alex, and she takes all my friends and ditches me.
Marge: Oh, I'm sure they didn't ditch you, hunny. Maybe they went out to plan a surprise party for you.
Bart: Hahaha, yeah, good one mom.
Lisa: They only like her, 'cause she acts so grown up with her perfume, and her cell phone, and oh... And get this mom... She drinks Iced Tea.
Homer: Lisa... I can't imagine anyone being more likeable than you, but apparently this new girl is, so my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
Lisa: But dad...
Homer: Ah-ah, think... Is that what Alex would say?
I love that one
