The definite, new "How Do You Feel" Thread

[Magrathean]

Villain: Sure, i don’t sing when i’m with friends (as i do when i’m listening to DT alone at home) and i try not to swear when i’m with my family, to name a couple of things. When i meet someone, i usually tell them my name, and i’m sure everyone here save two or three persons know my name (unless one of those persons went and told everybody ). And maybe at uni i don’t tell everyone about every thought i have, as i feel free to do on UM (almost). But i don’t think that saying different stuff makes me a different person. And, of course, one acts quite differently qhen one is depressed than when one is full of joy; but, again, that doesn’t mean we act like different persons. I don’t think i’m a different person depending on the environment. Or maybe i am and i haven’t realized.

fireangel: I usually despise people who “play roles” (i.e. become (or act like) someone totally different depending on the circumstances or the environment).

Swedish Death (): The best advice i can give you is not to take advice from anybody and to just think for a while (as you said) and then do whatever you (and she) think is the best for both of you.

 

[Taliesin]

I completely agree with Villain on that one. Of course you're always the same "You", but as you take different roles, face different situations and responsibilities you interact with different "parts" of who you are, or as he said "some of our traits get to the forefront while the others sink back".

I guess it's difficult to change how you handle work though.. I got too involved and it began to eat me up, I got too distant and felt like I became a real asshole.

Ontopic.. I cant sleep. I'll probably still be up in 4 hours. Also Im being very emo today, which is completely not helping.

 

[Schwedentod]

UnDo: Actually, we'll try to talk tomorrow again. Because our "talk" today was no real talk. I forgot all the things I wanted to say, she doesn't like to speak about these things. It ended up in hugging each other for a really long time (no kisses or anything, but it felt really good) and then I had to leave. But I got a message on ICQ, which makes me think. Not a bad message, but anyway, let's wait for tomorrow.

 

[Magrathean]

Now i'm wondering what the message said. Nah, my parents taught me not to read others' letters/messages. I hope you two work out something. =)

 

[marduk1507]

@Villain: I cant agree more, but I think "role" is not a good word, cause it carries all those negative connotations. Id say its all about perspective (as I said elsewhere) - the point from which you are able to look at anything and the horizon you see. Those roles are just encounters (sometimes clashes) of different perspectives. Imho its only about our ability to realise that our perspective is not the same as those of other people and that what we see is not the true and complete picture of life and the world. Theres always the Other, which could be the face of another human being, with all its infinite possibilities. You know what Im sayin, right?

 

[Magrathean]

More or less. It's 2am, i'm tired, i'm not really in the mood to argue (thus i'm not in the mood to assimilate what people are saying and come up with an answer), and i'm listening to a live version of "Insanity's crescendo" (which is absolutely amazing ). Maybe tomorrow i'll really know what you're saying.

 

[fireangel]

But i don’t think that saying different stuff makes me a different person.

Then you agree with Villain?

fireangel: I usually despise people who “play roles” (i.e. become (or act like) someone totally different depending on the circumstances or the environment).

It´s interesting how you manage to mostly just almost_understand what I mean to say


Schwedentod: Hope you can find a way

 

[DragonLady1]

@UnDo: Not Sweden, it would actually be Finland... And you're right, I just can't afford it. But the feelings are still there although we're both not sure how strong they are and how it yould work (or not).

Have to think about this the next days...

uff that sucks when distance comes inbetween and makes everything even more complicated I hope inbetween u could talk about it or find a way... all the best for u! well I still feel good having a boyfriend after such a long time of loneliness, he lives in germany but still we can manage it to meet nearly every weekend what is good... I'm happy for the moment and for the first time not afraid of losing everything again.

 

[Rusty]

NF: That Misanthrope just doesn't seem like himself when he's not calling someone a "fucking moron".

 

[Schwedentod]

Thanks for all these words. We have some alternatives, we'll see what it end up like. The most important thing to me is not to hurt her - such a great person should never be hurt - and to stay in contact/ stay friends at least. "Who fights can loose, who doesn't fight already lost" - so maybe try a long-distance relation? There are people who manage(d) this.

Let's see, we have to talk a lot within the next days. I hoped to be able to get this out of the world yesterday, but you can see in post #848 how it ended. Right in this moment she contacts me by ICQ...

 

[DragonLady1]

hmm good luck to u both! hope u will work it out somehow and u are right, u have to try something at least. and a distance relationship can work, I had some of those and my bf now also doesnt live near (oke, its a distance u can manage but still), I can live very well with it since I anyway dont have much time for anyone during the week.

 

[Dark_Silence]

Had a pretty bad day, i didnt pay my ticket to take the subway today, and guess what?? they were checking tickets today, and i got a 72euros fee to pay in the next 3 days

 

[Villain]

@Villain: I cant agree more, but I think "role" is not a good word, cause it carries all those negative connotations.

A good point. For some reason people tend to take role = fake, just like UndoControl's reply shows, while I take role as a genuinely real aspect of my personality that just (unconsciously) manifests only in certain environments / situations. I'm not playing roles with my clients any more or less than with my friends (except when we are roleplaying, but that's beside the point ). I'm just a different me in those situations. And by realizing that, I can take advantage of the different traits those manifestations of my personality have.

I'll give you an example:

Since I was a child, I've always been short-tempered; quick to anger especially among my family. For many years, I thought this was an unchangeable part of my personality, one of my flaws. However, some eight years ago, when I had just taken my first steps as a youthworker, I noticed that I never lost my temper with the youngsters I met on the streets at nights - not even when they gave me plenty of reason to get angry. Now, there are many reasons for this, some of them psychological (I'd been ashamed afterwards), some purely rational (getting angry certainly doesn't help in those kind of situations). I understood those reasons, although I didn't yet think much of them back then.

However, several years later I realized I could use the very same reasons to overcome my flaw even when I'm with my immediate family. Certainly, I could never achieve anything by getting angry with my parents or my brother and I would certainly feel ashamed afterwards. Thinking hard about this issue has helped me "transfer" that positive trait of calmness from the work-me to the family-me, and nowadays I get angry with my parents far less often than I did earlier. Of course this is partly due to my natural maturing overall, but I'm positive the conscious effort I have made to "copy" the behaviour of one of my roles to another has been a major influence.

-Villain

 

[Arch]

I'm dreading spending Thanksgiving with my family and relatives. I rather eat and spend time with a friend.

 

[TheFourthHorseman]

Villain: Sure, i don?t sing when i?m with friends (as i do when i?m listening to DT alone at home) and i try not to swear when i?m with my family, to name a couple of things. blabla I don?t think i?m a different person depending on the environment. Or maybe i am and i haven?t realized.

Then what exactly would make you a different person, if not 'acting quite differently'? Isn't that just when we say 'you seem like a whole another person'?

Anyway a long-distance relationship is a no no at your age, Schwedentod. It can work out of course, but most likely it won't. There's better options.
But if you do decide to try out the long-distance thing, then give all you have to it. Obviously tell your parents about it and try to get them to be supportive about it. Meet as often as possible, and take it from there. Otherwise it's just not going to work in the long run.

 

[Magrathean]

fireangel: I take it that's a bad thing...

Villain: But that's just changing your reactions. Now i'll give an example so you know exactly what i mean by 'role' and so on: At high school, i used to have a friend (whom we will call Xavier, as that is his name) who was (and still is) quite good at chess and at storywriting (and a bit less good at writing poetry, but still good). But when one of us invited the other over he was one person (i.e. an interesting and brilliant person who would have amazing conversations with me) and when we were at school and there were friends there he was another (i.e. a cynical, hypocritical, shallow person who would talk shit and play pranks on people and eventually become annoying). And for that i hate him (i only talk to him when i want to play chess and there's nobody else around).

FourthHorseman: What i said to Villain. And if that's not satisfactory just tell me and i'll elaborate some more.

 

[hyena]

@daniel: this might seem like it is coming out of the bu, but think back to when you discovered andrea cheating on you. you were totally devastated, and rightly so. now you've found someone else to nurture affection for. if it ends badly, probably it will be because the both of you didn't feel so certain about each other to put enough effort in the relationship to make it work. which means it probably wasn't a relationship to pursue to start with. i'm not trying to say that exitus acta probat all the time, i'm just trying to give you a fresh perspective amounting to 'Be glad that you have the ability to feel love again'. even if it's not love, it's still something that warms your heart, and comparing to the last time i was discussing feelings with you, we are a thousand miles ahead.

 

[TheFourthHorseman]

People who use Latin in the middle of English should quite possibly be shot.
You explaining what that particular phrase means would be almost as satisfactory.

 

[fireangel]

Villain: But that's just changing your reactions. Now i'll give an example so you know exactly what i mean by 'role' and so on: At high school, i used to have a friend (whom we will call Xavier, as that is his name) who was (and still is) quite good at chess and at storywriting (and a bit less good at writing poetry, but still good). But when one of us invited the other over he was one person (i.e. an interesting and brilliant person who would have amazing conversations with me) and when we were at school and there were friends there he was another (i.e. a cynical, hypocritical, shallow person who would talk shit and play pranks on people and eventually become annoying). And for that i hate him (i only talk to him when i want to play chess and there's nobody else around).

I think it´s a problem of description or for some reason we don´t understand each other correctly. Because when I read your example, again I think that Villain, you and me actually agree.
That what you described, people who switch personality for "bad" reasons, is something at least you and I both don´t like. This Xavier-guy is changing because he probably fails to the peer-pressure and wants to be (fake-) cool and actually even treats you bad because he´s not as nice and friendly as he is without the school-friends around. I would simply leave those people (maybe make an attempt to talk about that and when nothing changes, don´t be their friend anymore. They misuse you because they are only "friends" when it suits them, or they are such weak characters that they think if they´d be nice at school, too, that would be uncool and they´d loose their "cool" "friends". ).

The other thing, which Villain and I mean, and I guess you could like, too, is that because of different situations (like workplace, family & friends, a group of people connected by a hobby, the internet, a theatre-stage,.) people show only different aspects of their personality. At the workplace they mainly talk about the work-subject, are possibly a bit more formal because what you have in common with workmates is the work-topic and not personal hobbies; within the friends-group, you can most be yourself; on a stage, shy people suddenly start glowing and mesmerizing, in the internet, everyone´s a cool bitch and so on. But those character-traits are just all there, it are not contradictions and they are not fake or due to (peer-) pressure.

And yes, about the bad thing, it is, because I think then that you are sooo close to see what I mean, and then while when people are understanding something completely different or are of completely different opinion, then I think the gap is anyhow so wide that understanding would be tricky.

-----

hyena: what are you talking about to Schwedentod, being so negative?

He can at least try, there is no protection against never getting hurt again. If he wanted that, he can probably only stay at home for the rest of his life and have no social interaction
If you try something, you can experience a lot, high feelings and deep falls but at least it shows you are alive.
Also about that "too-young"-point of TFH, I´d just say the opposite. Now he has surely the energy to deal with a possible long-distance relationship. I think if both of them want to, they should just try and see how it goes. Then maybe in one or two years, there is enough experience and knowledge to decide what to do next, or if one of them moves country and so on, or if they want to stop. But no-one can know before they tried.

 

[Schwedentod]

Very tired at the moment, I might give better answers tomorrow.

TFH: Do you know how old I am? (OK, just realize there's my HP...) I think, this is no matter of age, and maybe a long-distance relationship might be better in my situation right now because in 1 year I'm free, finished my studies and can - more or less - go wherever I want.

Hyena: Yes, that's something to think about. Actually the word love is not correct (yet?!?). I thought it was some very intense friendship, I trusted her very quickly. Could talk with her about feelings when I needed someone to listen. On Tuesday I was chatting with a friend on ICQ, told some stories from here and realized that I'm talking a lot of her. My question if it sounds like I'm in love was answered with yes, which made me think. When I then - accidently - found out the she feels somehow similar, it confused me. Back to what you wrote: I don't know if there will be a relationship, I don't know if there's enough effort, but I know that this feeling I have these days is really good. I got over Andrea quite some time ago which made me totally happy, but somehow I felt like the happiest single in the world, which is now disturbed... Let's see what happens. You'll all get to know.

fireangel: Right, there is no protection, it will always be trying until it's this one single hit you - hopefully - find once in your life. The energy you talk about might be there, as well as the freedom I talked about a few words ago. We have some alternatives, some of which are better, some not too good, but still no answers. Once again: time will tell.