Some more:
"
Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.
IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
Money Isnt Everything
But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Are you sure Im (age)? I want a recount!
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Born free. Taxed to death.
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.
Im out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Families are like fudge
mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
One good thing about Alzheimers is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life is too short. Dont be a jerk.
Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.
If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything.
Dont treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation
I wonder if that means
?
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. Theres too much fraternizing with the enemy.
The trouble with life is theres no background music.
Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.
Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.
Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.
Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows whats going on?
If life is like a bowl of cherries, then Im living in the pits!
Barney sucks.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You cant live long enough to make them all yourself.
If they dont have chocolate in heaven, Im not going.
If you scratch your rear, dont bite your fingernails.
Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.
If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in the basement.
Fart in church, and youll sit in your own pew.
Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.
Its not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. Its the jerks.
I dont know what I want, but I do know I dont have it.
People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.
Once youve climbed the ladder of success, youre over the hill.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesnt get worse every year.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.
Two wrongs do not make a right
but three lefts do.
Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.
Drive carefully. Its not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just dont have film.
Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.
Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of the dog, its too dark to read.
I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.
I dont know what your problem is, but I bet its hard to pronounce.
Ill try being nicer if you will try being smarter.
I dont work here. Im a consultant.
The screw up fairy has visited us again.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a care.
Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be
?
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Can I trade my job for whats behind door #1?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.
Constant change is here to stay.
Dont be old until you have lived!
Dont let the past hold you back. Youre missing todays good stuff.
Todays mighty oak is just yesterdays acorn that held its ground.
Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!
Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so"