The official "Tell your lame jokes" thread

[MFJ]

I guess good jokes are okay too....

1) A mushroom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, get me a drink." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind in here". Saddened, the Mushroom replies "Why not, I'm a fungi!"

GET IT LOL... i'm too bored for my own good.

2) A neutron walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, how much for a drink." He says, "For you buddy, no charge".

 

[MFJ]

Here's a fun one-

So, a baby seal walks into a club.

*Ba-dom CRASH*

 

[spaffe]

Two deaf and dumb guys were telling each other jokes but soon had to stop since one of them laughed so hard he broke his fingers.

>__<

 

[NAD]

So, an Irishman walks past a bar.

I love this one.

Hey what do you call a gay bum? Hobosexual!

 

[MFJ]

Did you hear about the first two gay irish men? Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan?

Sorry to anyone who takes offense to these next ones, but they are hilarious.

-Did you know Hellen Keller had a phone? Neither did she!

-How do Hellen Keller's parents punish her? They move her furniture around (or leave a plunger in the toilet).

-Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? Well, you would too if you name was "Meeeallrraggpplbbbleeahhha"

... I have secured my spot in hell. I hope you got the graham crackers, Satan, 'cause I got the marshmallows!!!

 

[Henrik Main]

Lucky Norwegian guy found condom in his beer bottle

Not exactly a joke, but a true story that is quite funny.

(http://www.dagbladet.no/nyheter/2005/01/22/421097.html)

 

[NAD]

I don't know if Norway has a crazy legal system like the US, but if that happened here that dude would be a multi-millionaire. I'll never forget the old woman that got $91 million for spilling coffee on herself like a dumb bitch. Why? Because it was hot. Whoa what a concept, HOT COFFEE!!!

hahaha that Helen Keller's dog one is great, I remember the other ones from way back when.

 

[Henrik Main]

Haha, what a faggot

That's what you get for buying NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER

I knew that either you or Mic would point that out

Edit: Norway does not have a crazy legal system, luckily.

 

[MFJ]

Well damn, if it was indeed non-alcoholic beer, than he deserves it.

 

[MFJ]

So I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

 

[NAD]

I haven't had non-alcoholic beer since I was 10.

Hhahaha did anyone ever see that Cheers episode where they switched to non-alcohlic beer one night and Cliff the Mailman got fuckin' hosed? Whoa man, comedy gold.

 

[Henrik Main]

What's the difference between a cinema and a bucket of chips? There are no differences.

 

[MFJ]

I just had a Miller Lite... the taste was not that great but I experimented by putting some citrus (lime) in it - it wasn't too bad!

 

[Henrik Main]

Yo Erik, what does your flag represent?

 

[MFJ]

Right, reasons why I put lime in the beer-

a) it was a milller LITE
b) Miller is shitty american beer in the first place, and if you add a "LITE" to the end, it gets even worse.

I was simply doing my taste buds a favour.

 

[Henrik Main]

"My country". And I thought I'd heard it all. Are you SURE you don't mean county?

 

[MFJ]

oh no you didn't

 

[NAD]

When putting lime in your beer "isn't too bad", that's not fucking beer. At all.

Not true, citrus actually enhances the right beer quite a bit.

Most Mexican beers goes great with a lime, in fact some flat out taste like shit without one, but are quite refreshing with. Hefeweizens are pretty boring without lots of lemon, and then the best are Orange Blossom Ales (popular in So. California because there are exactly 1.587908247892229x10E243 orange trees here) which are simply GODLIKE in taste, refreshment, and fuck-you-upness qualities. EDIT: They require orange slices, as many as you can get. Forgot that part.

 

[MFJ]

<3

 

[MFJ]

That is true Erik. But if for some reason you're stuck with a smooth draft- experiment and you might be surprised. Getting tanked on something that tastes delicious is fun.