The (Un)official write anything you want page
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Tranquillian
Svartmetallist
This particular one hasnt leaked out to the net. The others I get at the best metal hub on direct connect.
Krilons Resa
Jerry's married?!
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!?"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend more time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each
outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you - she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear. Let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either - but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!?"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend more time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each
outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you - she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear. Let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either - but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
Reign in Acai
Of Elephant and Man
Trylakos
gimme my key bitch!
Trylakos
gimme my key bitch!
Trylakos
gimme my key bitch!
>The following is an actual question given on a
>University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one
>student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues,
>via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
>enjoying it as well.
>
>
>Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
>endothermic (absorbs heat)?
>
>
>Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
>using
>Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
>or some variant.
>
>
>One student, however, wrote the following:
>
>
>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
>in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
>and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
>assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
>souls are leaving.
>
>
>As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
>the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
>religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
>go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
>people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
>souls go to Hell.
>
>
>With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
>the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
>the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
>in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
>volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
>
>
>This gives two possibilities:
>
>
>1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
>at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
>will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>
>
>If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
>increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
>until Hell freezes over.
>
>
>So which is it?
>
>
>If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
>my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
>with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
>night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
>exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
>that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
>more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
>proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
>Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
>
>
>THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
>University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one
>student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues,
>via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
>enjoying it as well.
>
>
>Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
>endothermic (absorbs heat)?
>
>
>Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
>using
>Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
>or some variant.
>
>
>One student, however, wrote the following:
>
>
>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
>in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
>and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
>assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
>souls are leaving.
>
>
>As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
>the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
>religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
>go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
>people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
>souls go to Hell.
>
>
>With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
>the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
>the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
>in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
>volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
>
>
>This gives two possibilities:
>
>
>1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
>at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
>will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>
>
>If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
>increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
>until Hell freezes over.
>
>
>So which is it?
>
>
>If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
>my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
>with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
>night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
>exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
>that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
>more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
>proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
>Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
>
>
>THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Evil?
omghaxlol!1
MajestikMøøse
Membrum virile
Doomcifer said:
I'm not sure if that actually happened to you, or if you just made that up, or if you got that from somewhere else, but in any case it was sheer brilliance.
MajestikMøøse
Membrum virile
A ghe ghe ghe.
Also, this is old, but still funny. I could see someone from this board doing this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yi2ATj4a-ew
Also, this is old, but still funny. I could see someone from this board doing this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yi2ATj4a-ew
Erik
New Metal Member
Krilons Resa
Jerry's married?!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this SHIT"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this SHIT"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
dill_the_devil
OneMetal.com Music Editor
Doomcifer said:
I just came back from my brother's 18th birthday party. At one point, I was chatting to his friend Laura, who works as a checkout girl at the local Asda along with my friend Jack, who works there as security.
/pointless background
Laura was about to go home, and my brother was walking her back, despite the fact that she only lives ten minutes away and he wanted to stay. I was all like 'why do you need him to walk you back?'. She says 'Well, you could walk me back instead if you like', to which I reply, 'I've got a pint in front of me, you can get mugged and raped for all I care'. Luckily, she took it for the joke it was meant as. Future RC poster, methinks.
Reign in Acai
Of Elephant and Man
dill_the_devil said:
Who are you going to have sign up for the board next, your Great Aunt or your Dentist?
dill_the_devil
OneMetal.com Music Editor
I don't make anyone sign up here, they just do it. It must be some masochistic urge that people I know share that makes them want to be torn apart by Internet Warriors. Probably the same urge that makes them hang around with me.
Trylakos
gimme my key bitch!
I used to always wonder what it would be like if something like this happened to my television, It seems pretty freaky:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2Xx5Mx2LJzs
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2Xx5Mx2LJzs
Krigloch the Furious
Pants full of poo
I need to get the fuck out of Illinois. Where should I move? I want cold, mountainy
edit: and state whats good about said area.
edit: and state whats good about said area.
