“But as I’ve travelled around the world, I’ve discovered you can tell the tone of a country by the toilets.
“English motorway toilet; no one cleans it, no one cares about it, whoever was the last man in – ‘I didn’t f***ing do that’ – you’re embarrassed when you leave. French toilets are different. They’re very sociable, strangely so.
“German toilets, I like German toilets. They’re clean all the time. There’s this clamp thing that comes down. The toilet bowl is a funny shape. It’s kind of round, not oval. The seat around this clamp and it’s cleaning the rim. It’s 50c Euro. I said to my dad, ‘You’ve got to go in and see these toilets!’ Germans, I like the Germans.
“Dubai. What do you do with the hose? F*** me. I don’t know what to do with that. Japan! They’re the best toilets. F***ing awesome. The first time you’re in there it’s weird, but once you’re done… f*** me. The last thing you do when you’re at the airport is go to the toilet.
“In Australia and most countries you get this pond of water to aim for to help the system. In America, they give you a lake in the bowl. The water fills the thing. It’s strange. You think it’s blocked, but it’s not, it’s just the way it is.
“Then when you flush it, it’s like a spring reaction. Woosh! It’s gone to Mexico. Like when you go on an aeroplane. Same kind of thing. F***ing gone. You don’t get it back. If you drop a fish or a wedding ring, it’s gone. Not a chance.
“Anyway, New Zealand. Probably some of the most practical toilets in the world. Every cafe, every village, every town has got public toilets that are clean and well maintained and just very comfortable. Perfect. Probably what God would have designed. Practical, fit for purpose. Job done.
“Australia. Well. Some of the public toilets are alright and some of the newer ones are acceptable. Every cafe in New Zealand has got its own toilet. In Australia, they give you a key on a spade so every f***er knows you’re going to the toilet. It’s a walk of shame. ‘Yeah, I’m going to the toilet’. Then you go up and around the corner and you’ve got this big f***ing thing with a spoon on it. Really? In this day and age, we shouldn’t have to put up with that.
