I figured you'd want me to - I just thought it might be more appropriate for me not to shoot off my mouth right from the get-go for a change.
My main problem with the piece is actually the whole first paragraph, with all the talk about Oken's aversion to killing bugs; it seems really rambling, uninteresting, and doesn't add much of anything to the story imo (though of course I've only read part of it so I'm speaking from ignorance). I just think you need a more grabbing introduction, because that one really dragged down my motivation to continue reading.
I also want to comment on the second paragraph a bit, because it contains a lot of your setting detail. Something about the way you describe it is rather overblown, and a lot of the language you use could be either pared down or reworded into something more effective, i.e. the use of "melancholically" and "sullenly" in the same sentence to describe the same object, or the variety of ways you describe the smell ("fetid matter", "menagerie of odors", "noisome and repulsive", etc.) that become tedious because they're all somewhat interchangeable. One thing I do love, though, is the colloquialism "the Asshole" to describe Barbaros Circle, that's a nice touch. Also, I think your descriptions get
much better later on in the piece, especially with the "They lay in silence for several minutes..." paragraph; I find that part wonderfully nuanced and very evocative. I can really picture myself in Oken's place right there, just taking in the atmosphere of the city, and it's a truly beautiful feeling.
That's all that's on my mind for the moment. I'm sure I could come up with more minor shit if I read over it another time or two, but those are the things I feel are most important to point out. I'm of course neglecting to mention all the great little details and ideas scattered throughout the entire length of the story which are too numerous to comment on, so don't let my above bitching lead you to believe that I find the majority of the story lacking in well-writtenness, because it simply is not the case.
Thanks a lot man.
To address your points, the first paragraph does have some relevance to the story; but it might not be best suited for an opening. I'm not sure why I chose it, but something about it appeals to me. Maybe I'll try and work it in somewhere later in the story. As for the second paragraph, I agree that it's overwraught, and it's something that I've been thinking about for a while. I originally purposefully put in all that language because I really wanted to drive home the point that this is a disgusting world the characters live in; but you're right, the vocabulary gets redundant after a while. I'll need to revise that section.
If you're interested (or anyone else, for that matter), here's the next portion of the story, wherein the "plot" is developed:
Freedom of Birds- Pt. II
He woke to the cold of her corpse. He was not sure if it was because of his torpor from having only just awoken, but he felt a strange apathy towards the sight of her light blue skin, as though he was looking through a thin film of glass of which she lay on the other side. His eyes moved down her body, and the first thought he found himself thinking, disgustingly, was how much he had enjoyed fucking her. He blinked and drew away presently as he felt the gravity of his situation slowly descending on him. His arm was still draped across her abdomen. He snatched it away, feeling bile rising in his throat. Now the horror dawned on him and he shuddered, actively trying to scurry away from her body, and toppled off the edge of his mattress. He landed on the cold floor with a thud and rose slowly to his feet, which felt as though they were made of iron and melded to the floor. The terror grew from his core outward, wrapping its tendrils around his veins.
She lay upon his sheets, her arms stretched up above her head, her legs crossed at the ankles. Her eyes and mouth were open, frozen in a petrified image of final horror. Her breasts sat lushly to either side of her chest, balanced beautifully in her ultimate pose. The blue hue to her flesh gave her a godly tone, and Oken found himself thinking that her name suited her more in death than in life. Or her pseudonym suited her at least; she had never spoken her true name.
The next thoughts that raced through his mind were what to do. He had never even seen a dead body before and now he had one in his apartment. What had happened? Who had done this? He racked his brain, trying to recall the events of the previous night. Whatever had occurred, he had slept through it. How had he not woken up? How had the murderer been so silent? There were too many questions, and his mind was still groggy from a pot-induced sleep.
He dressed himself in a haze, thankful for the mechanical habits of pulling one’s trousers on his legs. He looked briefly out his window as he pulled a sweater over his head. The street was mostly vacant, but more people were emerging from their hovels every second. He donned his favorite jacket and opened his door, stepping out into the hall and descending the stairs to the ground floor, realizing as he did so that he was not sure why he was running. He should be notifying the authorities, shouldn’t he? But no… no, that was all wrong. Whoever had done this had killed Oread and left her there beside him, for him to find upon waking. He remembered nothing, could give no details about her killer. Whoever had done this had orchestrated it so that he would take the blame. He was the prime suspect. The only suspect.
He burst out of the door of his establishment and onto Gorgon Street, forcing himself to walk. He swallowed and sucked in a deep breath of the morning air, clogged with bioticides and fumes from the industrial plants. In a silent but brisk gait he made his way toward the Asshole, his eyes darting about as he did. His mind was racing with dozens of unanswered questions: would he return to his apartment, and when? What about his things? Where would he go? When would they find the body? None of these uncertainties helped to quell his anxiety, and he found himself walking increasingly faster as the thoughts raced about. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets and his head was hung low, avoiding the gazes of any passersby, trying to maintain an aura of inconspicuousness but in a state of perpetual worry that all he was doing was garnering attention. In the end, he supposed that was exactly what he was doing.
He felt a brusque hand latch onto his arm, jerking him out of his catatonic stupor, and found himself staring into the eyes of a somewhat squat, pudgy man near his own age. His heart stopped.
“Hey there buddy,” the man said in a tone that exuded “cop;” the kind of tone that donned a veil of camaraderie but made no honest attempt to sound pleasurable. It was a mocking tone; one designed to instill fear.
“Let me go,” Oken said, doing his best to mimic an annoyed civilian; which, in truth, he was.
“Easy mate,” the man said, taking his hand away. “That’s no way to speak to a fellow Gobredthian.”
Oken breathed, trying to slow his heart rate. “Apologies,” he said quietly.
The squat man grinned and retrieved a badge from his coat. “Agent Manimus Perdio,” he said in an offensively confident tone. “PPC.”
Oken scowled. “Don’t you have better things to do than annoy an innocent citizen?”
Manimus laughed. “A citizen,” he chortled, and smacked his lips. “‘Innocent’ is yet to be determined though. Tell me…” He turned and pointed at Oken’s apartment building. “You live there?”
Oken was frozen inside, and for a terrifying second he did not think he would be able to respond. “No,” he said at last. His voice was unnervingly quiet.
“No?” Manimus said, looking back at him. “Because my boys and me just saw you leave that door. You sure you don’t have a bed in their somewhere?”
“No.”
“No you don’t, or no you’re not sure?”
“No I don’t,” Oken said more forcefully. “And what business is it of yours?”
“Careful,” Manimus said, leaning close to him. “The PPC has justifiable interests in more areas than you’d care to know, friend.”
Oken realized that he had to be cautious. “No, I don’t live there.”
“Then why is it you just exited that building?”
“I was visiting a friend.”
Manimus grinned. “Might be you take us up to her room and introduce us. Or his room, maybe…?”
Oken shook his head. “She’s not there.”
“No? Where’d she go?”
Oken leaned forward. The man was a good six inches shorter than he was, but at least a foot broader in the shoulders. “She went to work.”
“And why aren’t you at work?” Manimus was grinning even wider now, apparently pleased with himself.
Oken swallowed. “Vacation time.”
“I’ll bet.” Manimus stuck his own hands in his pockets and nodded several times. “Well, come on mate. Show us to her room and we’ll see if maybe she hasn’t left yet.”
Oken had no choice. He found himself being marched back into his apartment building, up the steps he had climbed down only minutes before. As he did so he began cursing silently. Why was he leading them back upstairs? Why closer to his room? They didn’t know which room was his… did they?
“Which one?” Manimus asked.
He had to think, had to think fast. His eyes darted along the hall. There were only five doors to choose from on the second floor, besides his own. He could only choose one. He suddenly found himself wishing that he had spent more time getting to know his neighbors.
He approached the nearest door, unsure why, although he recalled how whenever he heard any kind of racket on his floor it always seemed to come from the rooms in the other direction. There was no time for hesitation, and he could no longer change his mind. This was his final decision. He raised his hand and knocked twice.
As he stood there in front of the door he thought his heart was going to explode. He could not imagine how his face was not red. He could feel his pulse literally thumping just beneath his skin as though his veins were ready to pop. He held his breath.
Ten seconds passed… twelve…
“Knock again,” Manimus said.
He did, this time louder. A brief moment of fear settled on him afterwards as he realized that knocking too loud might rouse one of the other tenants; he had no idea whether or not anyone would recognize him, but he preferred not to take the chance. Just ten more seconds now… five…
A door opened somewhere down the hall. Oken turned, his lungs burning.
An elderly man popped his head out of the door next to Oken’s apartment. He squinted in the dim light of the hall and curled his upper lip.
Manimus stepped back, clearly in order to give the man a good look at Oken. “Good morning sir,” he said politely. Fucking pig, Oken thought. “Do you know who lives here?”
The old man seemed to hesitate, but then nodded. “That’s Meena’s room. Don’t you go about bothering her now, you hear? She’s a nice young lady. Nothing like the mophead that lives next door.”
Manimus nodded. “I understand. Do you know where she’s gone?”
The elderly man squinted again. “She’s gone to her job, like a normal person. Why the hell do you care?”
Oken breathed a sigh of relief; but it was short-lived.
“Sir,” Manimus said, holding out his hand. “Do you know this man?” He gestured toward Oken.
Oken could not have run even if he wanted to. Everything had suddenly crashed down on him. He prepared himself for the abrasive clutch of government claws.
Then the man answered. “Never seen that man in my life. What are you cops doing, dragging a poor vagabond like that off the street?” Then the man retreated back into his apartment and shut the door.
As they walked back out onto the street Manimus gave Oken a gentle shove. “Get the hell out of here,” he said, the frustration clearly present in his voice.
Oken did not say a word, but as he left he heard Manimus mutter behind him, “Fucking derelicts.”
The Asshole was crowded with vendors and entertainers by the time he reached it. The statue of Creon rose solemnly above the dismal crowd of oxygen peddlers, jewel vendors, udu salesmen, jugglers, mimes, dwarfs, legless dancers, and thespians, all ebbing and flowing around each other in a kind of chaotic milieu, a patriotic homage to an uncivilized nation. More than a handful of bare breasts were thrust at Oken as he navigated the mob, some of which featured fresh cuts and surgical marks. He kept his hands near his face, forcing his way through the throbbing, freakish assortment as he did so and made his way toward Bacchus Boulevard. When at last he emerged from the heedless throng he drew in a deep breath and started making his way along the sidewalk. In the distance he heard a man singing in a mockery of a soprano and emulating what could only be described as a bohemian rendition of a bawdy pastoral melody, surely taken from an ancient collection of folk songs. He hummed along in mild satisfaction and even chuckled at some of the lines; but then the voice vanished into the incessant clamor of laughter and shouts, and Oken found himself missing the satire.
He did not know where he was going, and in the meantime his thoughts wandered back to the dead whore in his bed. He swallowed, wondering when Manimus and the PPC would discover his secret, and what course of action would be taken upon her discovery. She was a prostitute, that much was certain; the PPC usually didn’t strain itself that much over the used meat, but that did not mean they would let him get away without a fight. It was too late to go to them now, even if he thought it was a good idea. There was a chance he could argue that he had arrived and found her dead in his apartment; but Manimus and his crew had seen him exit the building, and that shot any alibi full of holes. There was no way he could prove he was somewhere else.
He stopped at a vendor and purchased a cream shake. The thick, soupy treat went slowly down his throat, and his teeth and tongue played endlessly at the tip of the straw. He tossed it in a trashcan when he was finished, licking his lips and tasting a trace amount of cyclamate. He cringed.
As he continued a loud sound drew his attention to the center of the street. Several motorcarts veered dangerously in a wide arc to avoid a development that was taking place on the asphalt. Oken paused momentarily and then took several steps toward the incident. Several feet ahead of him and through the roiling host of onlookers he could see a bubbling, smoking mass hunkered in the middle of the growing congregation. He ducked, scowling, trying to get a better glimpse.
Another man rushed up beside him. “Did you see it?”
Oken shook his head, still approaching the misshapen heap. It sputtered and wheezed as he approached, as though it strove to rise.
“Damn thing just fell outta the sky,” the man continued. “Coulda killed someone!”
Oken looked at him. “It fell?”
The man nodded. “Damned aviads. They shoulda done something about these things a long time ago now. There’s no use for ‘em anymore! They just fly around, attacking anything they calculate as prey. It was only a matter of time before they started fallin’ from the damn sky!” The man shook his head. “Coulda killed someone…”
Oken stepped up to the carcass of biomechanical disarray. Sparks flashed out of rubbery flesh, and wires protruded from eye sockets that may have once appeared genuine; silicon feathers torn and stained. The creature looked a pitiful mess upon the hard asphalt of the street, and Oken felt a temporary moment of fleeting sympathy and sorrow for the fallen Icarus; an artifact of specific purpose, soon to be forgotten forever, bereft of meaning and left in the garbage and refuse piles of civilization. There was little need for the artificial predators anymore. All had been devoured, and the haunting intimation settled on Oken that the entire world was swallowing itself. Humanity was at the epicenter of a vast, encircling tidal wave that was bearing down upon them, threatening to consume everything. They would be the last to perish.
“Fucking war,” the man next to him muttered.
“I’m sorry?” Oken said.
“Those fucking cocks up in the Phallus don’t give two shits about taking care of things like this. They’re too busy out in the wastelands fighting those bastards, while here in the city things are falling to pieces!”
Oken turned his attention back to the broken aviad while the man prattled on. He no longer thought of the war with the Physions as a temporary event that would soon come to a satisfying and conclusive end; the whole ordeal had gone on for too many decades for any cognizant human being to truly believe that it would ever end. The Provincial Offices (referred to by most civilians as ‘the Phallus’
were an impenetrable tower; a vast fortress permitting only those with the highest clearance to enter, and from its bowels the strategies of the war were decided. Nothing ever made it to the papers, except for the occasional vague headlines OPERATION AGAINST PHYSIONS PROVES SUCCESSFUL or PPC ORDERS PARTIAL REMOVAL OF TROOPS FROM FRONTLINES, the latter of which could often be followed by (although it never was): AND RADICAL DEPLOYMENT OF SEVERAL THOUSAND MORE!!! The PPC carried out its war in secret, and every so often common citizens disappeared from their homes, ushered away in the wagons of PPC motorcarts. Most of them were never seen again.
It was well-known by all Gobredthian citizens that the Physions had long ago penetrated the walls of the city. The war was not something that raged only beyond its limits, but also on its streets, in its apartments and businesses. The PPC arrested new ‘suspects’ every day. Whether or not they were truly guilty none could verify; but then, none dared (or perhaps cared) to question. Oken, for one, tried to convince himself that he didn’t care. He fed the drug trade, which was an ever-thriving enterprise. As long as he could afford his naturals, he would be happy.
But when the PPC raided his apartment, they would find everything; and Oken would go from simple ‘murder suspect’ to ‘PPC’s Most Wanted List’ for ‘Possessing Illegal Naturals in Vast Quantity,’ which was as bad, if not worse, than breaking curfew. And then he would truly feel the fire beneath his ass.
Naturals had already been outlawed when Oken was born, but he had developed the unquenchable taste for them as a boy when his mother let him try what she had called ‘chocolate.’ He had since then never been able to locate another bar of the delicacy, but he had been able to procure other naturals. He had always been careful never to flaunt his acquisitions, and only shared them with precious few people. Oread had been a risk, that he had known; but he had never imagined it would lead to this.
His mother had told him about the signs and banners posted about the city, although they were few and far between now; but every so often he would stumbled upon one that was partially exposed: HARBORING AND MAINTAINING NATURALS IS A CRIME; THOSE FOUND DOING SO SHALL BE DEEMED RECALCITRANTS AND MADE TO STAND BEFORE A TRIBUNAL OF THEIR PEERS TO BE STONED UNTIL DEAD. Such warnings were once on every street corner, every storefront, every office building. The signs had since all but disappeared, but the admonition remained. Apparently enough people had been slain to get the point across.
The man next to him was stilled muttering and cursing incessantly when Oken felt a hand grip his forearm. He expected to find Manimus again, the man’s hulking frame scowling up at him before knocking him down to slap on the cuffs; but the cop was nowhere to be seen. Instead, standing next to him was a thin dark-haired woman. She would have been attractive if not for the dark circles beneath her eyes and the sunken cavities under her cheekbones (symptoms of a habitual diash user).
He started, but got a hold of himself when he realized he wasn’t in any danger, or at least immediate danger. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”
“You’re Oken Red?”
He drew back slightly. “Who are you?”
“I’m a friend of Oread’s.”
He withdrew his arm and took a step back.
“Don’t worry,” she said, her voice cracked and hoarse. “I know you didn’t kill her.”
Oken’s brow furrowed. “How can you even know…?”
“In about twenty minutes the PPC will issue warrants and paperwork for breaking down your door. It’s all bullshit, of course; there’s no real need for them to go through all this red tape. All an agent has to do is submit an informal request and he can get permission to kick down any door he damn well pleases; fucking pigs. There’s no real limit to what they can do; but the Phallus likes to follow those old traditional mores. It gives them a sense of legitimacy, I suppose; or maybe they’re rationalizing the fact that all they’re doing is invading the privacy of every citizen in this damned city.” She shook her head. “I’m rambling; back to you. After they break down your door they’ll find Oread, not to mention your stash.”
“Now that’s impossible…”
“Stop,” she said, cutting him off. “Just listen. Your name’s going to go up on their Most Wanted List and you’re going to have so many agents assigned to you to that it’ll feel like they’re crawling up your asshole. It won’t be safe for you. You need to go underground.”
Oken thanked his lucky stars that the fallen aviad was attracting so much attention. After a quick glance around, he concluded that no one within his immediate vicinity was paying any attention to him whatsoever. He turned his eyes back to the woman. “How can you possibly know all this?”
“There’s someone who can explain everything to you,” she said quickly. “Better than I can; and it’s not safe to do so here. You need to do exactly as I say. You know Hog’s Lullabies?”
Oken nodded. “Rictor Hog’s place. That’s where Oread worked.”
“Right,” the woman said. Oken thought he detected a hint of sarcasm. “About an hour after curfew, there’s going to be an event taking place in the basement of Hog’s place. You need to be there. There’s a man who can tell you all you want to know.”
Oken shook his head. “Curfew’s ten hours from now.”
She nodded. “Until then you’ll have to hide out. Underground. The sewers.”
Oken crinkled his nose. “The fucking dregs?”
“It’s the only place you’ll be safe. Try and stay on the streets and they’ll find you. They always do.”
He took a deep breath. “Why should I trust you?”
She looked at him for a brief moment, clearly contemplating something. Then she revealed a small palmscreen. It flickered to life and Oken found himself staring at an image of Oread, her face and voice as ugly as ever. She looked directly at him and said: “Harpina, this is Oread phoning in. Red’s got everything we thought, including a few things we didn’t know about. I’ll divulge the rest of the details when I get back tomorrow. I slept past curfew. Fucking stupid, I know; don’t ask. Anyway, I say he’s good. We’ll have to bring him in and talk with him, but I’d give the go ahead. This is Oread, out.”
The palmscreen clicked to black.
“What the fuck?” Oken began. “Who the hell…?”
“Hog’s place,” she interrupted. “Tonight, one hour after curfew. Don’t be late.”
He frowned. “How do I get to Hog’s place if I’m hiding underground?”
She drew in a breath, like she was half-surprised that she had convinced him. “There’s a manhole near Creon,” she said lowly. “Go down it.”
“Are you kidding!” he shouted. “That place is more crowded than a regent’s orgy!”
“You have…” She looked at something on her palmscreen. “Fifteen minutes now before they start looking for you. Until then, no one will care if they see a man going down into the sewers. I doubt many will even notice. Hurry, and go. When you reach the bottom, follow the channel beneath Harp Street and take it to where Hog’s Lullabies would be. There’s a door with a green ‘P’ painted on it. Go through it. Someone will meet you from there.”
Oken took all this in with more than a slight measure of disbelief. “Who the hell are you?” he asked finally.
“He’ll explain everything to you.”
“How do I know who he is?”
“He knows who you are,” Harpina said. “He’ll find you.” She turned and slid among the surrounding participants who had gathered to witness the carcass of the fallen aviad.
“What do I do until then?” he asked before she was out of earshot.
She looked back at him and shrugged. “I don’t know and I don’t care; just make sure you do it down there!” She pointed at the ground. Then she was gone, lost among the crowd that amassed before the decrepit spectacle.