Thanks y'all. It's really nice to have support, even if it's "just from homies on the internet." This is partly the reason I'm telling a lot of people in real life: usually when I say I'm going to do something, I fucking do it, if only to avoid looking like a weak-willed person. It's possible that I exaggerated my problems to an extent (I wasn't drunk during ALL my free time). But if I was bored? Didn't have any real responsibilities that day? FUCK YEAH, IT WAS TIME TO PARTY.
I wouldn't put the notion of counseling out of the picture either. There is always underlying causes.
This might be true. But like I've said before: yes, I drank when I got down and depressed, but I was more likely to drink when I was happy. I like to have fun, to feel good, to feel like a badass. I don't think it's really much more than that.
Yeah. Sure. Why not? Maybe it will help.
Here are some of the problems that drinking has caused for me in the past several years:
--Acting like a drunk fool in front of my 12 year old sister, who looks up to me more than anyone in the world.
--Going into long monologues in front of new acquaintances, just for shock value (i.e. telling them that Ted Bundy was a "true artist"....
).
--Going on epic three-day benders: passing out in the park, puking on the street, showing up at fancy restaurants with stains all over my shirt just to "see if they will serve me."
--Missing work because I'm too hung over.
--Constantly being known among my general social circle as "that guy who is always fucked up."
--Blowing up at my friends and family for no reason on the phone.
--Losing my license at an airport because I was drunk, losing my credit card on the same trip because I was drunk, ordering the wrong flight a week before because I was drunk, and having to fly home that night (I still made it somehow).
--Losing my iPod because I was drunk.
--Spending days when I do nothing but lay in bad because I'm too hung over to get up.
--Spending $70-$200 every night I go out.
--Showing up to my old apartment I had recently moved out of (I still had the key, and it was still unoccupied), putting on Slayer, and causing $800 worth of damage trashing the place like Keith Moon.
--Trying to fight one of my good friends one night before a concert, for no reason. This guy is chill as fuck, and is pretty much impossible to get pissed at. I never made it to the concert, and it pretty much ended our friendship.
--Trying to fight ANOTHER friend (one of my bestest) for no reason. Luckily, we're still friends.
--Getting so goddamned hammered that I get pseudo-suicidal in front of others and start grabbing knives and looking for guns.
--Passing out on the sidewalk outside my building.
--Showing up at an ex-girlfriend's birthday party a few years back (we had just broken up, but she still invited me), getting blackout drunk, accosting her bigtime and getting thrown out.
--The other day getting into a HUGE fight with my stepdad, who I've always gotten along with, over NOTHING. I've mentioned that he and my mom have drinking problems as well. He was even drunker than I was. But seeing him change so suddenly, and going fucking APESHIT like that.... I dunno. I guess I finally saw alcoholism from an outsider's perspective. And it scared the shit out of me. This probably affected me more than anything.
--Getting dropped the same night by a great girl who REALLY REALLY seemed to like me--out of the fucking blue. When I pressed her, she said that she thought I partied and drank too much. The sad part? She hasn't seen me even CLOSE to my worst. I don't know where we stand now.
Sadly, I can probably think of a lot more. Mostly it comes down to constantly acting like a fool. But, like I said, I don't think I'm "addicted." I don't have cravings, really. And now that I've seen the light, in a way, I have no desire to go back to any of this ever again.
Methinks it's time to get back into a workout/exercise routine. And start writing again.
