So whatever I posted about earlier, things got a lot worse. My mind completely imploded and I could barely communicate. It is now incredibly difficult to function as a human being. Typing this is painful, to give you an idea of how difficult it is to even think right now.
I ended up going to the ER on Saturday night. They put me on antidepressants. I basically spent all of yesterday in bed, either sleeping or screaming and frustrated that I've lost my mind and fucked up my life.
I've been on the phone a lot with my mentor and she's guiding me through this. I went to the Counseling Center today to see a psychologist, and as expected I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Apparently I'm a textbook case. Didn't think so, but the cognitive issues are typical symptoms.
I've requested an accommodation to perhaps get out of my Rhetoric TAship for the semester, or at least a few weeks. I really want to do it, but it's a class that teaches critical thinking, reading and writing, and I am in no condition to even do those things myself right now. If they say tough shit I will just have to deal, but it's going to make things much much harder.
I could barely get out of bed this morning, barely force myself to eat and shower and get out the door. I can barely read a book or process any external stimuli without getting incredibly agitated and frustrated that I can't do even basic cognition.
I will be getting regular therapy, and will see a psychiatrist tomorrow to make this all official and regulate my medication. I have to restructure my entire lifestyle and take things one day at a time. But I'll tell you this: this will take a long time and provided I work my way out of it, I very well may be a different person.
Thanks for the support and yes I know it's putting too much trust in the medical industry, but I need all the support I can get so I can work myself out of this.
