Erzebeth.Rouge
Member
Quote:
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Who wrote that!? Woa! that guy that wrote this bullshit about France's losses clearly looks only at the results! Wasnt Roman empire the best and strongest of all? What about Chinese empire that ruled the world for 1000/2000 years more or less when Europe was still trying to reorganize itself from the dismembering of Rome? Oh yea, back then, what would become France was clearly dominating europe, if not influencing it greatly. France was the principal heir of Roman empire, thanks to Clovis(although screw you for conversion.. ), III-IVth century, then what about Charlemagne 768-814 who expand the frontiers. Wouldnt that be a victory? It started to give clear definition of the actual country anyway!
From 1826 to 1913, France was in control of the vastest colony empire, after Great Britain of course, expending from 100 000km² to 10 500 000 km² territory between these years. They controled most of Africa and a nice chunk of Thailand and suroundings. When USA, between these years, controled... hum.. nothing! until 1913 (310 000km²). Wouldnt you consider that a victory?
Would have USA really have won they independance war if it was for the help of other nations? maybe! why not, i cant tell myself, but instead of being disdainful of the help the country got, why not be thankful instead? USA could still be english for all i care!
What about the influence France got in the world's culture? im not gonna start on that, even if its already started. But to have had that great influence, France needed to be recognized as having an importance, what ever battlefield they gained one day and lost the other in history, war is what it is. Culture is something else. If you want to consider France as a looser reguarding warfare, i think we should better consider what victorious France is in term of cultural influence.
And anyway if you consider France is still around after 2000 years, she must have won a few fights. because she started as a small island (Lutèce, ile de France, Paris) and is one of the largest unified country in europe, is one of the founding members of the united states of Europe, has never believe in american propaganda without a soupçon de méfiance, especially towards the american economic imperialism, it might be one of the many reasons US is not admire of an enduring superior culture.
...especially if we consider all empire comes to an ends....someday...
That's the greatest loss because a single Germanic tribe conquered all of Gaul in a couple of years (and other tribes conquered the rest of western Europe) 
