story game

[Magrathean]

"Do you know how to read this stuff? It's in some foreign language or something..". Master Yoda replied in a foreign language too, and QRV and Dark Jester looked at each other, shrugging. Rampage translated what Yoda said into english: "Well, yea, what did you expect? You're on another planet, miss." Siren glared at him, and the rest laughed a bit, which made Siren glare at them all, but then Rampage asked Yoda what the map said, so Yoda replied in his strange tongue and Rampage translated for the others:

 

[marduk1507]

"You must venture through 5 mountains of glass, 7 rivers of sand and 9 caves of chaos. There at the end you will find the last cave with the evil Killer Rabbit, which is watching the Castle of Aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh with its Black Beast. Black Beast has its dinner on the alluminium plate every day. You must kill it and the plate will be yours".

"Wow", sighed Siren and said...

 

[Magrathean]

"But we have an über gay --i mean, über-great-- warrior with us, plus a walking soup can, a pilot, a lawyer, a gay berserker with a wombat, and a master jedi. What could possibly go wrong?" So they asked Yoda where the map said these mountains, rivers and caves were, and after being given some coordinates they went back to where they had landed, marduk singing "we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of gay" all along. Alas, when they got there they saw that Undo's spaceship had turned into a/an...

 

[QRV]

(hey, I'm not a soup can, I'm a milkshake can )

...70s ship Star Trek-style, with a computer that assumed the personality of Dr. Spock. Undo looked angrily at marduk, who just shrugged and said, "I didn't do nuthin". Undo, however, remained skeptical.

But just then Darth Vader arrived riding a very surprised-looking dragon. Then he pointed at Yoda and said, "Yoda, I wan't YOU!" To which Yoda replied:

 

[Siren]

"I told you we're over, baby, when are you going to understand that??"

Darth Vader was disappointed by this answer and..

 

[The Grim Progeny of the Dusk]

...used the Force to choke Yoda in a manuever of erotic asphyxiation. The gay berzerker and his wombat immediately were aroused and joined in the fun.

Marduk and Undo, apalled to the point of wanting to give their lunches back to the scene, go and...

 

[marduk1507]

*whos the gay berzerker I wonder and what is he doing with MY wombat?!*

 

[QRV]

(let's ignore that last one, shall we?)

"I told you we're over, baby, when are you going to understand that??"

Darth Vader was disappointed by this answer and..

flew back with his head low yet muttering, "I will have my revenge". Then Siren asked Yoda about the mountains of glass and how to pass through them. Yoda told her...

 

[Siren]

"You will have to cut them with diamonds. Diamonds that cut hard."
But noone had diamonds so they all panicked. They started looking in their pockets and on Siren's fingers, suddenly feeling disappointed she wasn't getting married. Actually they were feeling disappointed more for the fact there wouldn't be a wedding party they could crush. But let's talk about diamonds again: mardy in a moment of clarity declared: "where's the lama-riding banana??..."

 

[Gugnir]

..with the unholy power ov CHRISTRAPING BLACK METAl thou shalt rape the muslims....

 

[Siren]

"..a demon told me in my sleep that there's a diamond hidden in the secret pocket of the lama-riding banana!" So everyone rushed to find the diamond in the secret pocket of the lama-riding banana, which at that point..

 

[Magrathean]

...was flying overhead and laughing at them. They all thought this was odd, since the llama-riding banana was a stuffed doll, but Undo took out his laser shooter and aimed. Before he could shoot, however, Rampy used the lightsaber he'd stolen from Luke Skywalker to cut the banana in two. So that night they feasted and ate roasted banana (they unstuffed it first) and worked on turning Undo's ship back to the way it originally was so he could fly them to the glass mountains. But then Yoda began to choke with the banana, and he was the only one who knew where the glass mountains were, so...

 

[marduk1507]

...marduk hit him with his stuffed wombat, which almost killed Yoda, but only almost, but what was better, he spat out a nice shiny diamond. Then he turned to marduk and said: "Thanks!" and then hit him hard in the nose. marduk was in a quite calm mood that evening, so he just laid down, curled up and whispered softly to his wombat. Siren took the diamond with eyes and mumbled: "my precious", but then...

 

[Magrathean]

...Rampage snatched it from her and told Undo "we'd better get out of here and find those goddamn glass mountains now that we have a diamond". Yoda was about to say something, but Siren hit him on the head and they all got into Undo's newly-restored ship and flew to the far side of the planet, wher they saw a weird-looking swamp with oily brown water and five mountains of glass. So they...

 

[RampageSword]

tried to find a parking space but it cost five thousand bucks to get a parking pass around these parts and they didn't have the money. "We can sell the diamond!" said Rampy, "it's our only way." But Siren, hypnotized by the diamond's mystic powers rushed on Rampy and stole the diamonds while screaming "NO! WE needs it! My prrrrecccioussss...". Without hesitation, marduk took his wombat and looked anxiously towards Undo as if he were asking "should I?" Undo looked back at him and said "No, leave her be, just hit Yoda again, he'll spit us another diamond." Then, Yoda...

 

[Magrathean]

...started to protest, but nobody listened to him, and marduk hit him with his stuffed wombat. As Undo had predicted, Yoda spat another diamond, but the new diamond was quickly stolen by Siren again. So marduk hit Siren with his wombat and took the diamond, after which they looked for someone to sell it to. They spotted an old man sitting comfortably in the air to their right, so they sold it to him and parked Undo's ship, all in the midst of Siren's desperate screams: "Nooooo!! Precioussssss!!"

They got out of the ship and began walking towards the nearest mountain, but all of a sudden (and for no reason at all) marduk ripped his shirt off and went berserk again...

 

[marduk1507]

...and ran towards the nearest mountain. He ran and ran until he hit the mountain. The others walked slowly up to him and waited till he got to his senses. Marduk opened his eyes and said: "man, what the... where is the other guy with a stuffed wombat who was running against me?" Siren crouched next to marduk and said softly:

 

[RampageSword]

"He's right behind you." Mardy, in shock, turned round and swiftly activated, the detonation command of his wombat and threw it right into the mountain's core. The result was a huge explosion which made the sound of a dying platypus and the mountain was blown to pieces. "Now you've done it, we have to get to the next mountain, 15 miles down the highway now." said Yoda angrily. Rampy, who's blood began to boil with retribution, looked at marduk intensely and...

 

[Siren]

managed to break a smile at him. Then he started to lead the pack towards the next mountain..

 

[Magrathean]

They got to the second mountain and realized they'd had to cut their way through with the diamond, since mardy's wombat was gone. They started cutting, but they quickly got bored. Then Rampage had an idea: "Why doesn't mardy take the diamond, go berserk and cut down all the mountains in seconds?" The rest of them thought it was a good idea, so they gave mardy the diamond and told him what to do. "So he is useful, after all," Undo mentioned in an aside to Rampage, who nodded happily. Just at that moment...