teh joke thread omg

[Magrathean]

One from a movie (see if you can remember / find out which movie it is):

A guy walks up to another guy and says: "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

The other mand replies: "What's the name of the other leg?"

 

[Nitronium Blood]

Irish joke:

A party was in progress in an apartment on the 50th floor.

An Irishman was enjoying the view from the balcony when a man frantically rushed towards him.

Still trying to catch his breath he said "Kyle Cassidy... I regret to inform you that your wife and child were killed in an accident that occured an hour ago"

The Irishman thinking it was pointless to continue living decided to jump from the balcony.

He reached the 40th floor when he realised "Hang on... I don't have a child"

He reached the 30th floor when he realised "Hang on... I'm not married"

He reached the 5th floor when he realised "Hang on... MY NAME ISN'T KYLE CASSIDY!

 

[RampageSword]

How do you call a leper in a hot tub?

answer : Oatmeal.

 

[GONE Ridin' Hood]

Irish joke:

A party was in progress in an apartment on the 50th floor.

An Irishman was enjoying the view from the balcony when a man frantically rushed towards him.

Still trying to catch his breath he said "Kyle Cassidy... I regret to inform you that your wife and child were killed in an accident that occured an hour ago"

The Irishman thinking it was pointless to continue living decided to jump from the balcony.

He reached the 40th floor when he realised "Hang on... I don't have a child"

He reached the 30th floor when he realised "Hang on... I'm not married"

He reached the 5th floor when he realised "Hang on... MY NAME ISN'T KYLE CASSIDY!

Hehe. Rather dumb but still funny. Are all Irish jokes like that?

Here's mine:


Dracula's sitting and then a mosquitoe comes and bites his hand.

Then Dracula says: No, not to daddy!

 

[Nitronium Blood]

Hehe. Rather dumb but still funny. Are all Irish jokes like that?

Well, yea. They are an exaggeration of the folklore stupidity of Irish/Blonde/Sikh persons.

 

[Magrathean]

How do you call a leper in a hot tub?

answer : Oatmeal.

That's plain evil.

 

[QRV]

Oh man, that made me laugh so much...



This one's kinda nasty:

There was this whore who was known to sing "Uncle Joe had a farm" while she perfomed the most beautiful blowjobs ever. However, nobody could know her secret because she always did that under a certain condition: all lights must be turned off. So one day some guy decided to discover how was she able to do that: he would ask her to suck his dick and would turn on the lights while she was in the midst of it. So he hired her, turned the lights off and then she started doing her thing: "Uncle Joe had a farm, eeeeeaaa eeeeeaa ooou!"

So, when she was halfway through the song he suddenly turned the lights on. And when he did, he accidentaly knocked to the floor a small glass-eye that was on the top of the table next to the girl...

 

[Magrathean]

*doesn't get it*

 

[QRV]

Look at the facts: she could perform blowjobs while she singed. And there was a small glass-eye on top of the table. She couldn't suck dick using her mouth because she was singing, so how did she manage to do it?

 

[Magrathean]

Oooh, i get it now. Sorry. *laughs*

 

[marduk1507]

QRV, youre sick man!

 

[Vizjaqtaar]

A typical joke in Styria in Slovenia:

Six drunk men are wobbling towards the car. One of them says: ''Karl you're driving, you're too drunk to sing!''

 

[Vizjaqtaar]

lol one more... although it's much more funny when told in Serbian...

Two montenegros are standing on a bridge when a woman walks over the fence and jumps into the river. She disappears in the muddy water. The two montenegros start a chat:
-See that woman?
-See.
-Jumps in the river.
-Jumps.
-But we do nothing.
-Nothing.
-We stand.
-Stand.
-But why don't we sit down?


Še original, če kdo slučajno zastopi.
Stoje dva Crnogorca na mostu, kad jedna žena zakorači preko ograde i skoči u rijeku i više ne izroni. Crnogorci započnu razgovor:
- Viđe li ti ovu ženturaču ?
- Viđe.
- Skoči u Moraču.
- Skoči.
- A mi ništa.
- Ništa.
- Stojimo.
- Stojimo.
- A što ne sjednemo?

 

[marduk1507]

I love Serbian, as a Slovak I understand a lot, and it also sounds so nice! When I watched Kustruricas films dubbed into Slovak, it sounded a lot less funny then in the original version.

 

[Cuthalion]

Well most of Kusturicas movies are not really in serbian but in some wierd gipsy dialects mixa-up so i almost can't understand what they are saying even though i understand serbian perfectly.
BTW if you have the chance watch "Shampionite od Shutka" or "The Champions from Shutka" i guess. It is really really good and really funny. Shutka is a part of Skopje and the biggest gipsy community in Europe and this movie is about it's champions, the best of the best in various subjects like training goose, chasing vampires and other things like that

 

[QRV]

QRV, youre sick man!

Here's another one (do not read if you're about to eat anything):

There was this guy who really wanted to fuck some pussy, but was short of cash. So he went to the local pimp and asked him: "What can you give me for 3 bucks?"

"Mmmh", said the pimp, "The only bitch I know that would fuck for such quantity is... Raspy Rose, but I really wouldn't advice you to go with her."

However, the guy was in such an urge he didn't mind the thousand warnings the pimp gave to him. So he went up to Raspy Rose's place just to see the worst sight of his life: a 55-year old flaccid balding cunt full of ugly infected warts that smelled like stalled farts. But his urge was so enourmous he somehow decided not to mind that.

So he started to fuck her, but her pussy felt raspy as hell, so much it almost made his dick bleed. But his urge was such he didn't mind. After a moment's pause, he decided to go for a second time, but then it felt smoother than any pussy he's ever had.

Startled, he asked her why did her pussy first felt so raspy and later so smooth.

"Well", she said, "that's because first there's the scab and then comes the pus".

 

[Magrathean]

QRV: That joke is also known down here!

Here's one about Pepito (typical joke character in Mexico):
Pepito was walking through the woods, when suddenly night fell and crushed him.

 

[Cuthalion]

Here's one about Pepito (typical joke character in Mexico):
Pepito was walking through the woods, when suddenly night fell and crushed him.

is that considered funny by mexican standards?

 

[Magrathean]

You're evil.

Nah, it's a very stupid joke, but it's funny if you're in the right mood (which i happened to be in when i was told that joke).

 

[RampageSword]

Nah, it's a very stupid joke, but it's funny if you're in the right mood (which i happened to be in when i was told that joke).

You mean shitfaced? Or high on propane gas?