teh joke thread omg

[Magrathean]

^ Aye, 'tis cool. And the Seinfeld one too.

But the best ever will always be "In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." by Douglas Adams.

 

[Blitzkrieg Pajo]

I like the prove of the non-existence of God the most

 

[Magrathean]

Yes, but don't speak too loudly. Remember that most people need to believe in something they can hold on to and blame for all their misfortunes.

 

[Cuthalion]

I like Ford Prefect's routine for breaking the necks of deer...

 

[Nitronium Blood]

Yes, but don't speak too loudly. Remember that most people need to believe in something they can hold on to and blame for all their misfortunes.

I just blame other people.

 

[Magrathean]

Most of the time, you're probably right.

 

[Vizjaqtaar]

Ah I also know a fine joke about babies
so...

What's the difference if you throw a baby down from the 2nd floor or if you throw it from the 5th?
Well, if you throw it from the 2nd you hear: ''TUP. Ueeeeaaaaa!!''
But if you do it from the 5th floor it sounds like: ''Ueeeaaaaa!! TUP.''

 

[Magrathean]

^

 

[King Chaos]

NJ : My life

q: What happened to the guy who couldn't tell jokes very well?

a: sorry, I forgot.

I actually wrote that one.

For more comedy of this magnitude, stab yourself in the ear with a long sharp pin

 

[Magrathean]

For more comedy of this magnitude, stab yourself in the ear with a long sharp pin

That was actually the funniest part of that post.

Q: There's Batman and Robin. Who's the bad one?
A: The joke.

 

[Malaclypse]

two uboats meet in the atlantic, a us american and a russian one. the captains meet and they start bragging about their vessels.

us guy: our submarine has the largest armaments array in the whole world! we could blow up continents with our nuclear warheads! our missiles can hit any target within 10000 kilometers!

russian captain: ah, but our sub can dive right to the bottom of the deepest places in the pacific! and it is so quiet that even the best sonar people can't detect us!

this goes on for some while, until suddenly another submarine appears on the surface. the captain emerges from the top and asks the other two:
Heil Hitler. Do you know where the next gas stop is?

 

[Magrathean]

I don't get it..

 

[RampageSword]

^I think the punch is that german subs suck-ass.

Q : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : Tuna.

 

[Magrathean]

I know a similar one from The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy:

Q: How many vogons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 42.

 

[Malaclypse]

I don't get it..

actually the punch is that the german sub seems to have been submerged for at least 60 years, because the captain greets the others with a quite old-fashioned greeting dating back to WW2 - so german uboats kick ass because they can dive for 60 years and didn't even have to refuel. ok, i guess it's not really funny

 

[marduk1507]

No, now it is funny, but the time should be stressed there, although it should be obvious from what the other captains say. Yeah, well, I didnt get it, too, but now was able to laugh a bit on it.

 

[Magrathean]

Ah, now my eyne hath been open'd and i am enlightened. I thank thee, Sir Malaclypse. No, 'tis indeed mildly laughable.

 

[DeviousDVO]

Yo' mama so stupid , she broke her TV looking for the TV dinner

 

[wildfyr]

Q: What did the farmer get when he stepped on a rake?
A: A couple of achers

Q: How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him/her

In Third Reich capitalism, what are the two groups of people?
The Nazis and the Have-Nazis.

 

[xenophobe]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears and especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him, they kiss, and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow when the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it ?"

The guy says:



















"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf!"