Hey guys, long time no see. I have been busy over summer busting my ass off to scrap some money together at the themepark. This is a post about me and some difficulties I am experiencing right now in my life so if you want to read it through and maybe even help me out, I owe you eternal gratitude.
BACKGROUND
When I was 19 I fell down into a downward spiral which took me about 3 years to fully recover from. It started off with regret over quitting a summer job because I wanted a summer break but my conscience was punishing me badly for quitting it. It continued with depression, panic anxiety and like general anxiety. After that, a whole lot of different phobias started kicking in and I had to defeat them all one by one and my life rolled on in phases. Each month was different than the other and each month I grew and learned to deal with myself.
TODAY
I made a lot of new friends this summer and I was constantly surrounded by people every day at work and I worked almost every day of the summer. I got texts from people all the time, getting together for a beer after work and what not and I was driving some people to and from work in my car so I felt kind of "in the centre". My parents moved to Turkey just a week ago, the week before that my summer job ended and the whole summer I was just envisioning how great it would be to finally live by myself here in Sweden (although I share this big house with my brother who lives upstairs but we still don't live "together").
So now all of a sudden I'm unemployed (which I was looking forward to so I can continue on my album), all the people around me are gone and my parents are 4000 km away. I guess I wasn't anticipating the effect that this would have on me. It feels like my brain is in shock, I feel lost and goalless, no motivation to do anything let alone music. I feel like everything I do is meaningless while everyone else is living an awesome happy joyful life with lots of productivity. It feels like my conscience is punishing me as soon as I even think about doing something for fun like watching TV or playing a game on the computer. It feels like I need to be doing something much much bigger than that, yet I don't know what. Also, whenever I think about applying for jobs, I find that I have no real motivation and no job seems interesting. Although, I do want to return to my summer job but that's impossible 'til next summer.
So now I'm inevitably doing a whole lot of thinking and trying to get myself out of this mess. I have however started thinking about the "default" mood of the human mind. Is this the way we are supposed to feel if we are alone in the world? I know we are social beings who need social interaction but without it, is everything supposed to feel meaningless? I guess this explains why so many are blogging about shit like "Just ate breakfast, it was awesome! Now I'm off to work.", because it holds a meaning if others see it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone is keeping themselves busy so they don't start exploring themselves, avoiding self insight because to me it seems as if us humans are a bit cursed with our self awareness, unlike most animals. Meaning of life and shit...
Anyway, I'm usually not the guy who "wants" to descend down in dark thoughts but I'm not seeing any light right now. There has been a lot of changes in a short amount of time and I feel lost, pointless, worthless while everyone else seem to be so much happier. Most of all, I feel alone. I feel like crying every time I think about myself and the way I feel right now. Damn it, I have a lot of friends but still I feel alone. I have music which has been my goal for a long time now, but I feel goalless. I know someone is going to suggest getting a girlfriend but I doubt that would solve anything. Getting a pet etc. is just a temporary way of dealing with it. This must be stemming from something very deep within but I don't know what it is. The feeling of loneliness and some sort of undetermined source of fear.
I have however been in touch with a curator so I guess I'm not the type who just walks around doing nothing against this. I want help and I'm gonna get it as soon as they call me back. Meanwhile, it feels good to write on the forum even though it's not about music this time but... fuck, I guess it's part of life. I know I have so many things to be grateful for right now but I just can't. I'm too overwhelmed by loneliness. I know many of you guys have had your issues... maybe someone can help. I don't want to feel this way.
BACKGROUND
When I was 19 I fell down into a downward spiral which took me about 3 years to fully recover from. It started off with regret over quitting a summer job because I wanted a summer break but my conscience was punishing me badly for quitting it. It continued with depression, panic anxiety and like general anxiety. After that, a whole lot of different phobias started kicking in and I had to defeat them all one by one and my life rolled on in phases. Each month was different than the other and each month I grew and learned to deal with myself.
TODAY
I made a lot of new friends this summer and I was constantly surrounded by people every day at work and I worked almost every day of the summer. I got texts from people all the time, getting together for a beer after work and what not and I was driving some people to and from work in my car so I felt kind of "in the centre". My parents moved to Turkey just a week ago, the week before that my summer job ended and the whole summer I was just envisioning how great it would be to finally live by myself here in Sweden (although I share this big house with my brother who lives upstairs but we still don't live "together").
So now all of a sudden I'm unemployed (which I was looking forward to so I can continue on my album), all the people around me are gone and my parents are 4000 km away. I guess I wasn't anticipating the effect that this would have on me. It feels like my brain is in shock, I feel lost and goalless, no motivation to do anything let alone music. I feel like everything I do is meaningless while everyone else is living an awesome happy joyful life with lots of productivity. It feels like my conscience is punishing me as soon as I even think about doing something for fun like watching TV or playing a game on the computer. It feels like I need to be doing something much much bigger than that, yet I don't know what. Also, whenever I think about applying for jobs, I find that I have no real motivation and no job seems interesting. Although, I do want to return to my summer job but that's impossible 'til next summer.
So now I'm inevitably doing a whole lot of thinking and trying to get myself out of this mess. I have however started thinking about the "default" mood of the human mind. Is this the way we are supposed to feel if we are alone in the world? I know we are social beings who need social interaction but without it, is everything supposed to feel meaningless? I guess this explains why so many are blogging about shit like "Just ate breakfast, it was awesome! Now I'm off to work.", because it holds a meaning if others see it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone is keeping themselves busy so they don't start exploring themselves, avoiding self insight because to me it seems as if us humans are a bit cursed with our self awareness, unlike most animals. Meaning of life and shit...
Anyway, I'm usually not the guy who "wants" to descend down in dark thoughts but I'm not seeing any light right now. There has been a lot of changes in a short amount of time and I feel lost, pointless, worthless while everyone else seem to be so much happier. Most of all, I feel alone. I feel like crying every time I think about myself and the way I feel right now. Damn it, I have a lot of friends but still I feel alone. I have music which has been my goal for a long time now, but I feel goalless. I know someone is going to suggest getting a girlfriend but I doubt that would solve anything. Getting a pet etc. is just a temporary way of dealing with it. This must be stemming from something very deep within but I don't know what it is. The feeling of loneliness and some sort of undetermined source of fear.
I have however been in touch with a curator so I guess I'm not the type who just walks around doing nothing against this. I want help and I'm gonna get it as soon as they call me back. Meanwhile, it feels good to write on the forum even though it's not about music this time but... fuck, I guess it's part of life. I know I have so many things to be grateful for right now but I just can't. I'm too overwhelmed by loneliness. I know many of you guys have had your issues... maybe someone can help. I don't want to feel this way.