The default mood of the human mind? (A long post about me)

[Erkan]

Hey guys, long time no see. I have been busy over summer busting my ass off to scrap some money together at the themepark. This is a post about me and some difficulties I am experiencing right now in my life so if you want to read it through and maybe even help me out, I owe you eternal gratitude.


BACKGROUND

When I was 19 I fell down into a downward spiral which took me about 3 years to fully recover from. It started off with regret over quitting a summer job because I wanted a summer break but my conscience was punishing me badly for quitting it. It continued with depression, panic anxiety and like general anxiety. After that, a whole lot of different phobias started kicking in and I had to defeat them all one by one and my life rolled on in phases. Each month was different than the other and each month I grew and learned to deal with myself.

TODAY

I made a lot of new friends this summer and I was constantly surrounded by people every day at work and I worked almost every day of the summer. I got texts from people all the time, getting together for a beer after work and what not and I was driving some people to and from work in my car so I felt kind of "in the centre". My parents moved to Turkey just a week ago, the week before that my summer job ended and the whole summer I was just envisioning how great it would be to finally live by myself here in Sweden (although I share this big house with my brother who lives upstairs but we still don't live "together").

So now all of a sudden I'm unemployed (which I was looking forward to so I can continue on my album), all the people around me are gone and my parents are 4000 km away. I guess I wasn't anticipating the effect that this would have on me. It feels like my brain is in shock, I feel lost and goalless, no motivation to do anything let alone music. I feel like everything I do is meaningless while everyone else is living an awesome happy joyful life with lots of productivity. It feels like my conscience is punishing me as soon as I even think about doing something for fun like watching TV or playing a game on the computer. It feels like I need to be doing something much much bigger than that, yet I don't know what. Also, whenever I think about applying for jobs, I find that I have no real motivation and no job seems interesting. Although, I do want to return to my summer job but that's impossible 'til next summer.

So now I'm inevitably doing a whole lot of thinking and trying to get myself out of this mess. I have however started thinking about the "default" mood of the human mind. Is this the way we are supposed to feel if we are alone in the world? I know we are social beings who need social interaction but without it, is everything supposed to feel meaningless? I guess this explains why so many are blogging about shit like "Just ate breakfast, it was awesome! Now I'm off to work.", because it holds a meaning if others see it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone is keeping themselves busy so they don't start exploring themselves, avoiding self insight because to me it seems as if us humans are a bit cursed with our self awareness, unlike most animals. Meaning of life and shit...

Anyway, I'm usually not the guy who "wants" to descend down in dark thoughts but I'm not seeing any light right now. There has been a lot of changes in a short amount of time and I feel lost, pointless, worthless while everyone else seem to be so much happier. Most of all, I feel alone. I feel like crying every time I think about myself and the way I feel right now. Damn it, I have a lot of friends but still I feel alone. I have music which has been my goal for a long time now, but I feel goalless. I know someone is going to suggest getting a girlfriend but I doubt that would solve anything. Getting a pet etc. is just a temporary way of dealing with it. This must be stemming from something very deep within but I don't know what it is. The feeling of loneliness and some sort of undetermined source of fear.

I have however been in touch with a curator so I guess I'm not the type who just walks around doing nothing against this. I want help and I'm gonna get it as soon as they call me back. Meanwhile, it feels good to write on the forum even though it's not about music this time but... fuck, I guess it's part of life. I know I have so many things to be grateful for right now but I just can't. I'm too overwhelmed by loneliness. I know many of you guys have had your issues... maybe someone can help. I don't want to feel this way.

 

[midget donkeys]

You could join a band. That would get you out of the house and being social with other people.

Don't get a girlfriend right now, if you are in this crappy a mood you will only attract some chick that is depressed too. Than pure gay drama will follow.

Instead just rail bitches. It is a great time killer.

Don't sit around thinking deep thoughts, all you are really doing is doubting yourself. Get up and do something. Volunteer at a charity helping other people. This is great at putting things in percpective, seeing people worse off than yourself. And you will be helping other people (ie loving other people). Which is what life is all about.

Now enough gay pep talk. Get off your ass.

 

[xFkx]

A hundred years ago you'de be described as a suffering artists, now it's all about depression this, anxiety that, meds this, counceling that


Man, write an epic 15 minute long song about it

 

[Ashgarth]

You could join a band. That would get you out of the house and being social with other people.

+1, you're a really good musician, you could join a band without problems, as a drummer or guitar player.

Also, what about a part time job? You can be working some hours every day and spend the rest with the music.

 

[colonel kurtz]

fuck man, i wish i could pull off having a whole house full of instruments all to myself, and with no need for full-time employment

as far as i see it, you = have it made!

 

[jangoux]

marry and you'll see the joy of being alone.

Just kidding. I dunno, man. To be honest, it looks you have a bunch of internal stuff to deal with. Look for stuff to do and keep your head busy...btw, whoever said to do voluntary work or charity is 100% right, man. I've done it once at a daycare with homeless children and it was the greatest feeling ever.

 

[Chris_P_Critter]

Erkan - sorry to hear about your sadness man. Depression is a bitch - I've been dealing with it all my life.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is occupy your time. You need the activity, otherwise you will do nothing but sit and wallow in your sadness, which is completely pointless.

Aside from the obvious (getting another job); you're a very talented musician and artist, so there's that - but maybe this is a good opportunity to build a relationship with your brother?

 

[theblackmoon]

Erkan,

depression, anxiety attacks, agoraphobia, etc are serious medical conditions. What you need is treatment, there are modern medications that should go with therapy that will help you out.

Don't let people fool you into "positive thinking" or any other activity at all, what you need is medical attention. Visit a psychiatrist ASAP!

You're not alone, 3% of the world population suffers from conditions like yours.

 

[XnaySaturo]

Pretty much what everyone said, just find stuff to keep occupied, and just don't guilt over having fun. I don't think we have to strive for a bigger purpose and stuff like that, just do whatever you want. I've had a long phase where I was uncertain about everything and just being bummed out most of the time, but it eventually comes to pass.

However, if it can help in any way in your musical quest, know that your album is the musical release I look forward to the most, be it indie, or big bands altogether and I know a lot of people on this forum look up to you and are supporting you whatever you do.

If you think your condition is serious, follow theblackmoon's advice.

 

[MarcusGHedwig]

Erkan,

depression, anxiety attacks, agoraphobia, etc are serious medical conditions. What you need is treatment, there are modern medications that should go with therapy that will help you out.

Don't let people fool you into "positive thinking" or any other activity at all, what you need is medical attention. Visit a psychiatrist ASAP!

You're not alone, 3% of the world population suffers from conditions like yours.

+1, the default state of the human mind doesn't have to be melancholy self-doubt, it sounds to me like you're doing everything right and you still feel like crap, in which case I would strongly recommend medication, it's worked wonders for me! I describe it like a good limiter; it brings up your general baseline mood in a transparent way, with minimal side effects; you just generally feel more optimistic and positive, but it's not like you'll be taking happy pills - you'll still need to keep doing productive things to have a sense of self-worth, but you'll also be able to enjoy relaxing once in awhile too

 

[Morgan C]

I describe it like a good limiter;

The default state of mind for humans is contentment.

First thing: join a gym and start weightlifting. You're skinny so you'll see results fast. If you do your research and eat right, it's fulfilling, predictable and boosts your confidence a ton. If you do some classes you might meet new friends too, although classes (bar cardio ones) aren't very effective.

Medication helps. IME, psychologists are generally pretty useless, most, for whatever reason (fear of getting sued?) just talk about your feelings and don't DO anything. Talking is great, but with the state you're in, it really helps to have someone by your side, forcing you into situations you don't want to be in, but are ultimately good for you. Unfortunately, a psychologist is not that someone.

 

[Erkan]

Thanks for the replies dudes. Didn't know you were on anti depressants Marcus.

I've never taken any meds, not even during that time when I was way more depressed and suffered from panic feelings (to clarify, I do NOT suffer from panic anxiety or agoraphobia or anything right now/yet). For some reason I'm not very comfortable with taking meds because I have heard they make it worse in the first few weeks and then slowly make it better. But I tend to believe that meds are only curing the symptoms.

I think my issue comes from too high demands on myself which in turn probably was caused by something in my teenage years (I was pushed kind of hard by my mother in school, she wouldn't be satisfied with me getting B grades, only wanted me to get A etc.) I think this has caused an unreal perception of reality. It sure as hell would explain why I tend to think everyone else's life is so much better and mine is not - because I have been forced to never settle, always push on and strive for the next level. As soon as something good happens in my life I get happy about it for like 5 mins and then start thinking "Ok, now what? What's next? Can't sit around doing nothing). Seriously, when I aquired my driver's license, the happiness and feeling of success lasted for about 5-10 minutes. I don't think that's normal.

Erkan,

depression, anxiety attacks, agoraphobia, etc are serious medical conditions. What you need is treatment, there are modern medications that should go with therapy that will help you out.

Don't let people fool you into "positive thinking" or any other activity at all, what you need is medical attention. Visit a psychiatrist ASAP!

You're not alone, 3% of the world population suffers from conditions like yours.

Counting myself as part of anything other than the majority makes me feel weak. Like "why am I a part of those few percents? I'm fucking weak!" and so on. I don't know if meds would really cure the problem because it's pretty deep within. But as I said, I am going to talk to a curator at first and see where it takes me. The scary thing is that I pretty much know myself well enough to realize where my problems come from. I just need a way to rewire my brain because this is not a healthy way of thinking. I guess that's where professional help comes in.

 

[theblackmoon]

3% of the planet is a lot, actually could be more, if people don't look for help they are not part of the statistics, I believe that is the case of a great number of people.

The problem has to do with hormones and the general chemistry in your brain, I don't think you should try going through this without proper assistance. I wouldn't.

I'm not a doctor, not even close, but I know from personal experience and from others that what you have is not a 'mindset' or an 'attitude' is a disease, it should be treated with science (medical assistance).

Hope you can find your way out of this.

Best of luck

 

[roy22341]

I like to consider myself as part of the small minority that doesn't give a fuck what other people think. Quite liberating.

 

[MarcusGHedwig]

Well I do feel that meds should pretty much be the last resort, but considering how much it seems like you do, it sounds like there's no much more that could be expected - you mention that you think it cures the symptoms rather than the source; I would say that in many cases all the things that you think are wrong with you or are getting you down are the result of a general predisposition to the melancholy and pessimistic, and if you get things rewired upstairs you'll find yourself able to let go of more stuff (truly one of the greatest feelings) and enjoy living in the moment a bit more.

Don't get me wrong, exercising, being productive with hobbies and work, eating right, being social, etc. are all still essential, and I did them all before finally realizing I needed something more (this was back in fall 2005, freshman year of college), and it really helped - I've been on a small maintenance dose for the past few years because of a large heridary predisposition, but yeah, good stuff.

 

[Morgan C]

I think my issue comes from too high demands on myself which in turn probably was caused by something in my teenage years (I was pushed kind of hard by my mother in school, she wouldn't be satisfied with me getting B grades, only wanted me to get A etc.) I think this has caused an unreal perception of reality. It sure as hell would explain why I tend to think everyone else's life is so much better and mine is not - because I have been forced to never settle, always push on and strive for the next level. As soon as something good happens in my life I get happy about it for like 5 mins and then start thinking "Ok, now what? What's next? Can't sit around doing nothing). Seriously, when I aquired my driver's license, the happiness and feeling of success lasted for about 5-10 minutes. I don't think that's normal.

Get high and be satisfied, or use this to your advantage.

Counting myself as part of anything other than the majority makes me feel weak. Like "why am I a part of those few percents? I'm fucking weak!" and so on.

No-one is wholly part of the majority. No-one. And those who try to be usually end up ridiculously boring and mindless. Think of the people you've met throughout your life, or seen on movies, books, etc. Are the most interesting people those who are completely normal in every way? Fuck off.

Or, die your hair blonde, put on 3 inches of make-up, gain 30 pounds of fat, wear slutty clothes, get drunk 3x a week and post trashy pictures of yourself all over Facebook, while posting 7x a day. Congratulations, you're normal. [exaggeration, in case you think I feel this way about everyone ;p]

 

[theblackmoon]

...join a gym and start weightlifting...

True. It's been proven that cardio helps the treatment. Just like proper medication it's part of the scheme, the sum of parts can cure you.

 

[TheWinterSnow]

Sounds like the story of my life. I know the feeling of having many things that make you feel like the center of attention to a lot of people, when you feel that you have power to do what you want and then one day its gone. I have spent my almost two years now that I have been in college stuck in my house, with no friends, not being able to get out because I cannot find a job and therefore, having no money can't really go and do anything. With me also being only 20 and having my hair fall out, well it doesn't make you feel very attractive when you are trying to meet people, especially in the daring realm, when you have been single, not by choice for 4 years. Quick story about me was that I thought that I was breaking the cycle earlier this year, with my band after 5 years finally having a compete lineup, landing a job interview for a well paying job and a new relationship (or at the time, soon to be) with an old childhood friend that I hadn't seen in 15 years. Well I didn't get the job, my friend decided not to visit and decided she wanted nothing to do with me, our bassist decided that we were too far from him so he bailed and then our drummer quit because of some issue he had with me...all in the same week. Its been hard to get into a routine of feeling good, when you physically don't look good like you used to, and have no money or transportation to get out and do something. I had to force myself to finish my band's cd but in the end that felt pretty good.

What I can recommend is entertaining yourself with something difficult but not too fun for most of the week, but something that you want to do. At the end of the day, relax and home, with friends, by yourself. I have started a routine earlier this year when things where going better, at first it was come home from school, smoke a bowl of hookah, listen to music and chat with people on MSN and facebook, including forum members, about a month after, it was chillin' out to music and playing Modern Warfare 2, and lately is just come home, get some food, have a beer, hand out with my dad if he is outside drinking, especially if the neighbors are over, I will try to get my friend/guitarist over and have a drink as well. In order to keep your sanity, no matter how much of a happy person, you have to have your relaxation at the end of the day, just to be home and kill the rest of the night enjoying whatever it is you do before going to bed.

In terms of being happy, you have to think deeply about what is the one, most important thing that you want out of life, it can be socializing with your close friends, it could be starting/joining a new band, doing a pastime event, dating, weightlifting, if you just sit down close your eyes and thing about being happy, the first thought that comes into your mind, find a way to make it happen and always remember to take time for yourself at the end of the day.

 

[amarshism]

go out in the sun, isnt this the reason that more europeans suffer depression than people from elsewhere? or was that just specifically in relation to norway...

 

[SimonTaddio_Qc]

What we call the human mind is a super-awesomely-fucking-complex series of chemical reaction, and the balance between all it's elements.
Yes, there IS some default settings for a couple of things within a human being, but the mood is certainly not one of them.
Being far from your parents, not having a band, not having sex once in a while, doing drugs, etc. they are the kind of things that's going to balance your brain's chemical toward a darker mood.
You have to get something to keep your equilibrium from crumbling down. Of course, calling your parents once in a while, getting a date and go jam with other dudes could help you to not think about shitty things. You need something to focus on.