AND NOW the answers to ASK GOD:
1. HUMAN: Dear God : Why isn't there anything in the bible about Jesus in his teenage years?
GOD: Jesus was extremely awkward in puberty. He went through many phases. There was the zit phase, the gangly phase, the night emissions phase, the goth phase, the emo phase, and finally the hippie phase. It was a rough time for Me as a Father.
2. HUMAN: where the fuck did your son, jesus, find guys named matthew mark luke and john to write bible passages while living in the middle east?
GOD: Those weren’t their real names. Those are the names written into the King James Bible, which is English. Over time they will change again. In 200 years, the disciples will have names like Tanner, Blake, and Brad.
3. HUMAN: God, in the bible it says slavery is fine so long as your slaves come from adjacent countries to your own. Do different states count?
GOD: The Bible says a lot of stupid shit. Slavery is evil. DON’T BUY SLAVES YOU DICKHEAD! Harvest your own damn crops.
4. HUMAN: Why are those who believe in you such bigoted, contemptuous, illiterate morons?
GOD: Not everyone who believes is an illiterate moron or a bigot. In fact, I get nice messages everyday. It just seems that way because the idiots are so hilarious.
5. HUMAN: How come tits don't have beer in them?
GOD: Why don’t dicks have wine in them? Why don’t asses have chocolate? These are silly questions. If tits gave beer instead of milk, the world would be filled with millions of drunk babies.
6. HUMAN: I saw a sign on a church that said "God has sent you a friend request." That was months ago, still nothing. What gives?
GOD: The sign lied.
7. HUMAN: God...why is it the higher my education, the less I believe in you?
GOD: It’s true. The more you learn, the less likely you are to believe in Me. Why do you think I wanted to keep humans from the Tree of Knowledge? All I can say is, fuck you science.
