Another one bites the dust

Nuno Filipe

Nuno Filipe

You talkin' to me?
Jul 1, 2009
2,715
14
38
Portugal
I dont know even how to start. I am here feeling like shit, I cant even sleep. The person I was dating for a year replaces me for other. This is probably one of the worst feelings ever. Over a year I did almost everything that a man could do for one person and when I mean everything I am not even being exaggerated. I help her in every way possible, for example, one day I went with her and her daughter to the hospital for a medical operation. We got there at 7h am and I waited for her and for her daughter till 10h pm almost without eating. The ex husband was there for like 3 hours and went way after lunch. But me? I waited for her 15h. She was not even my daughter...

Over a year she broke with me for a thousand times, telling me that I wasnt this I wasnt that but she knew that I was weak and that I loved her, so we always came back after some time. My self esteem is like shit and she knew my weak point and she needed me but for the worst reasons. She didnt had car, so I was the the dumb to take her to all the places that she needed. Over a year I gave her more than 1000 euros for food, for debts and all that kind of shit. I was always there to help overcome all the problems of the separation with his ex, I helped when she was diagnosed with depression. I helped her with all kind of shits that you can imagine. And now I ask myself, for what? before I met her and was going through really hard times but know I am even worst. I trusted her to tell my worst fears, my lack of motivation, my anxiety problems and that I have been depressed for a while. She could not handle it and treated me like shit most of the time. I cant say she didnt tried. She always said the she loved me in a way that I cant imagine and all that bullshit and I know that she tried to love me but guess what, she left me when I needed her most, taking the oportunity with other while I am sick... Last month I gave her a dog by the birthday that she always had dream to have, cost me half of my salary and she was not my girlfriend by the time but she always keep me telling that she loved me... What a joke... ironically her son and her grandmother showed more care for me that my girlfriend. But she loved me... Now she has somebody that can take her to parties, and mostly fuck all the time that was something that this bitch likes to do... But hey... she loved me... Well technically, she still love me because she tell that 2 weeks ago...

Guess what, the only good thing it´s a cover band that I have and the things are going very well. But she is the vocalist of the band and I have to see this bitch one time for week. And of course that I started this band to help her realize her dream of having a band and perform to all his friends. (yes she is a really attention whore). The main problem, if it is indeed a problem!!! is that she is really good singer and has lots of energy performing and as a really social bitch she can take us farway. So I will use her as she used me all the time, well she is not really being used because this is what she like to do... But I dont have patience to look for another singer. The worst is seeing every week the person I love. But now I realise that she was not at all what I thought... so It´s a matter of time for me being free of this love... There´s nothing more sad that open your eyes a see clear that the person that you used to love have all those things that do not identify with you. Unfortunately, all the love I felt and my poor self esteem make me blind...

I am 30 years old and all the time I did all the bad decisions, met all the wrong people. I have a shitty job and I have health problems. Every fucking day I think what I am doing here, and if all of this is worth. I think would be better to put an end to life than to be a failure all my life... I am tired, I gonna try to sleep this time. Sorry for the post...
 
Sucks to hear man, but in a way, you kinda continued to drag yourself through the dirt so to speak unnecessarily.
The fact that she broke up with you and then wanted to get back together a ton of times, plus the fact she's an attention whore was a total red flag, which somehow you completely missed.

To be honest, you also have "whiteknight syndrome".
You care TOO much and you cater TOO much to a girl's needs at the expense of yourself.
It shows a massive flaw in your character and shows massive weakness.
Now, don't get me wrong, it's awesome that you've clearly a nice guy and I can also be pretty nice to females, but you've gotta learn to stand up for yourself, to speak up and let a female know that you can take charge.
Spending half your salary on a dog, stuff like that, NEVER do that with another girl, ever.
Whenever I've had girlfriends, I always made it perfectly clear to them I was not going to spend much money on them at all.
If you don't do that early on in a relationship, they will royally screw you over, become materialistic whores and will see you're just a pushover that they can just effectively scam more money out of.
In retrospect, they would actually spend more money on traveling to see me than I did to see them. Obviously it wasn't just a one sided thing, but it was enough that it made it clear that I was more or less the 'man' and that I was not going to bend over backwards for every little request they had in mind.


The best way to deal with this, is to just pretend you're okay with it all.
Don't show her that you're weak. In fact, pretend you're completely happy .
Doesn't matter if you're feeling like shit for the rest of the day, by any time she tries to contact you, do as I said above.
You'll be able to bust her balls and see yourself in the winning lane.
Obviously you're a really good person with a heart of gold, so for now just keep your head up and just show that you're a better person than her and don't cave in with anything.
 
Harry Hughes said:
Sucks to hear man, but in a way, you kinda continued to drag yourself through the dirt so to speak unnecessarily.
The fact that she broke up with you and then wanted to get back together a ton of times, plus the fact she's an attention whore was a total red flag, which somehow you completely missed.

To be honest, you also have "whiteknight syndrome".
You care TOO much and you cater TOO much to a girl's needs at the expense of yourself.
It shows a massive flaw in your character and shows massive weakness.
Now, don't get me wrong, it's awesome that you've clearly a nice guy and I can also be pretty nice to females, but you've gotta learn to stand up for yourself, to speak up and let a female know that you can take charge.
Spending half your salary on a dog, stuff like that, NEVER do that with another girl, ever.
Whenever I've had girlfriends, I always made it perfectly clear to them I was not going to spend much money on them at all.
If you don't do that early on in a relationship, they will royally screw you over, become materialistic whores and will see you're just a pushover that they can just effectively scam more money out of.
In retrospect, they would actually spend more money on traveling to see me than I did to see them. Obviously it wasn't just a one sided thing, but it was enough that it made it clear that I was more or less the 'man' and that I was not going to bend over backwards for every little request they had in mind.


The best way to deal with this, is to just pretend you're okay with it all.
Don't show her that you're weak. In fact, pretend you're completely happy .
Doesn't matter if you're feeling like shit for the rest of the day, by any time she tries to contact you, do as I said above.
You'll be able to bust her balls and see yourself in the winning lane.
Obviously you're a really good person with a heart of gold, so for now just keep your head up and just show that you're a better person than her and don't cave in with anything.
Click to expand...
THIS,
I agree to most you have written here. I have spotted many red flags as well in the description you made of your relationship. I would have run away for faaaar less that that.

The best thing now is to just don't care cause she's not worth it at all. Think of other girls, try dating someone else, forget her.

And about the band, it's either you can live with her singing in your band or do something about it if you cannot live with it too long.
 
So sorry to hear you're that bad dude :(

I hope you'll overcome this situation and won't do anything harmful to yourself, at least not until you told me how to tweak the 8505 the way you do ;) (and still then, don't do anything stupid please)
That coverband-situation really seems to be shitty...dunno if I'd want to deal with that, in the end it depends on you if you think it's worth it or not.

Before I met my GF I was running after a stupid chick who fooled me for about a year, only using me for the attention I was giving her. So she had her BF bringing home the money, and me giving attention/not beeing an asshole.
I even was dumb enough to believe her when she told me that it wasn't her boyfriend (should have figured out at some point, but yeah....:lol:), so after a "let's stay friends blablablabla" conversation I of course felt shitty, but luckily that feeling passed when I realized how dumb I was.
Shortly after I met the love of my life.

So just set things straight for yourself and take care man!
Hit me up if you want to talk too
 
Harry Hughes FTW! Coming from a younger guy (I believe?), he's got it figured out already.

Red flags all over the place, should have terminated this early on.

FWIW, Sorry you're feeling bad. It will pass, it always does.
 
I can feel your pain man. I've been kind of in the same boat, 5 year relationship, every once in a while she just "falls out of love with me" for a while, and I've not changed my life for the better....Yet I've done so much for her and her family over the past 5 years and have barely gotten anything in return. I can't wrap my head around how someone can just suddenly want to call it quits after 5 years. But time always works its magic and a lot of the time, in my situation, it's just that she's so busy with 3 jobs and school, that she just needs some space and time to herself.

Hang in there, it can only get better. A year sucks to have to waste, but it could be 5. Or 10, or marriage with more kids, then split.
 
I find that my writing usually spurts in times when I'm down or depressed. I normally don't write depressing music, so to say, but I have more drive to sit down and come up with br00tal metalz riffage.
 
Sorry to hear this dude. I've been through a similar experience. It hurts like hell but man people do crazy shit when they're in love and you clearly were/are.

I hope you do allright and get through this.

I think now would be a perfect time to work on YOURSELF. You gave all of yourself to her and neglected yourself mentally and physically.
Relax, join a gym, get your act together. I mean that in a positive and encouraging way :)
All the best.
Axel
 
I am and was in the same boat. Your situation with your health, job, past and being single doesn't have to make you unhappy, though it's understandable that you are and that it will take a bit before you start to move on. There will come a time though when you will have to drop this story (I call it a story, not because i don't believe you, but because that's what it is now) and look at what's really going on. Relationships have a tendency to numb us to everyday reality and because of that when they're over it's hard to step back in and not try and live in what happened before. As was said before, It'll pass and you can count on that. Depression and happiness are very delusional states, when your in one it's like you've never been in the other, so you'll probably have to have some faith that it will pass, but it will.

When this happened to me, it was like a curse, everywhere I looked and everything I saw reminded me of things I didn't want to be reminded of. Eventually i ended up just sitting still with my eyes closed, paying attention to my thoughts like pictures being shown to me, just watching them come and go, not judging, refusing or interacting with them, just acknowledging them. After a short time of this I stopped thinking and the stories I told myself about my life didn't seem to matter so much, so I could see the world without my past/future influencing it much anymore. It was a surprisingly powerful experience that changed everything for me.

I thought maybe you'd want to have a go at it yourself.

Best Wishes and give it some time.
 
When I heard your description of her...

do_not_want_1.jpg
 
Harry Hughes said:
The best way to deal with this, is to just pretend you're okay with it all.
Don't show her that you're weak. In fact, pretend you're completely happy .
Doesn't matter if you're feeling like shit for the rest of the day, by any time she tries to contact you, do as I said above.
You'll be able to bust her balls and see yourself in the winning lane.
Click to expand...

The only problem with this approach is that she'll see it and try to sabotage it/get back with you again, if she sees you trotting around looking proud as punch she's instantly going to be wondering whats wrong with her and questioning her own self worth, asking herself if she did the right thing or just generally put out to test your resolve/if you really are over her.

Indignance makes women go crazy. You just have to have the balls to move on.
 
Respect women and treat them like your treat a guy who you really care about. If they ask for something ridiculous, you say no. At the same time, be kind and generous. I don't get why people find this hard, women aren't mystical creatures.

Not aimed at the OP, just general comment
 
Stand up and do whatever you gotta do to change your life. Take action. Don't focus on anybody else than yourself. Cause "for as you think, you shall become".

And, to add that: It's NOT her fault! It's entirely in your hands.
 
I can not thank you enough for the words of support. This is indeed the best forum ever.

Harry Hughes you are completely right. It´s not the first time that someone tells me the same. For the people I love I cant say NO, but this is just not for girls. It´s indeed a great weakness that I have and I have to work this. It´s related also with my self esteem. And again you are absolutely right when you say I care too much. I care too much and put everyone in the first place. When it should be me the first.

I´ve been talking with some friends and everyone here got a point. The world is not grey, it´s all in my head and in my negative interpretation of the reality. I´ve been lost in apathy for too long, hoping forever for better days but I dont push myself as I should. It´s time to work that. And yes the end was inevitable. I dont mix or write music since I met her because she consumed me to the bones. I gave all that I could and received little in return, so I was depressed most of the time. I was completely overwhelmed by her because I didnt wanted to pass the time arguing for all kinds of shit. Of course this is not good for anyone. She always hoped to see in me a person that I am not. Was too many shit that I went through because I didnt have self esteem. Now it´s time to do something for myself.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the strenght you give me. It´s always good to see that exists good people everywhere that care. Thank you brothers :)
 
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