Right! Skip to the end if you don't want to read everything...I might have written too much.
First of all, there are MANY like you..heh as you probably know? Yeah..OCD is something a lot of people have to some extent..hehe.
I mostly see girls cutting themselves these days, but I used to know some guys who did it too...so
About you being afraid of being thrown into psychiatric ward: Institutions are not (at least here in Norway) a place you should be. If you're an acute danger to yourself or others...or have a severe mental disorder which you don't have I think (but then again, I don't really know you at all..so it's just a guess all in all). Besides, the goal where I work is to get people on their feet so that they can take care of themselves as fast as possible. It costs a LOT of money, so the sooner patients gets better, the better!
Medication can help a lot of people, but never alone. There must be a good therapeutic program too. Most importantly, you must see that you have a problem. You do, so that is why this probably is going to go very well!
It's a commonly heard thing from psychiatrists who lectured at my school that almost the majority of high school kids sooner or later tend to various extent touch a diagnose in that age. Much because of hormones going completely off the charts...and lots of pressure and stress etc. Most grow out of it.
I've had at least 3 friends who used to cut themselves when they where at your age. One of them got hospitalized and got a diagnose after having been to the US and trying out drugs she later didn't admit to using until well..years and years later.
She got a wrong diagnose and was treated wrong for many years (her not admitting to the drug use, should not have made it so much harder to figure out the right diagnose though!) Horrible..but when she finally got the right diagnose (after 5 years..incredible!) her life went back on track..more or less. Lucky!
I was sure she would be a mental case for the rest of her life. It wasn't an easy way back to a normal life, but she did it.
When she cut herself. It was very VERY deep cuts. Both her arms looked like they had been through a meat grinder at times. And she seldom covered it up. I always got the chills looking at her arms in the summer even if I was rather used to people cutting themselves..this was way worse than I had ever seen. I never mentioned anything about her arms to her nor did I look at them so that she could see it. Which brings me to a little point actually:
Most people will pretend that they don't see or know about the cutting, because all in all it's no matter how you look at it your way of trying to show others your problems/pain etc. I know that most people cut themselves to get away from mental pains/issues, but it all boils down to the ego in the end. This could of course be discussed and yes, I should read more about this, I don't have many scientific facts about cutting, but there are books about it and the science of it is beginning to get better.
Most people will think either "a cry for attention right", "grow up silly goth!", "I'm not going give you any response to that, because I'll probably say something wrong so that he cuts himself more" or "poor you..I feel your pain" "damn..I don't know how to respond to this" This last one if probably very common.
Some people here and there will try to help you, but after a while people will give up if you don't show any sign of trying yourself. But you do, so great!
Anyhoo...it's the alcohol part which is really your biggest problem right now. If you drink every day...you are per definition an alcoholic. And if you suffer from anxiety, then alcohol will enlarge your anxiety, not right away when you drink, but the day after ++.
Can you manage without alcohol for a day, week or month?
You say you're a big guy, but really...that doesn't make it any better. It will make you bigger (scientific fact: unhealthy living causes depression and lots of others diseases)
It's why there's a link between depression and diabetes too.
My father is an alcoholic and a diabetic...he's refused help his whole life more or less for the alcoholism. He IS severly depressed now. I almost don't talk to him anymore. I pity him and want to help, but you can't help someone who doesn't want help. At least it takes a LOT of energy which I don't have. You can encourage them for a while though...but not push too hard..cause that WILL backfire. I guess that has happened a lot with him. Being pushed too hard. He's tried some medication and for periods been quite nice to deal with. But right now he's thrown the medication again..and it pretty much going to hell.
But yes, back to you.
All in all, I'm pretty sure you'll make it. You're young and you seem to know you have at least a mental problem. Your alcohol issue probably won't affect you too much right now, but give it a year or more..and it will. You might believe that your body/mind won't be affected, but it will. 100% sure. It happens often so slow that you never notice it.
One last note: You mention you suffer from anxiety too which often is a partner of OCD. Alcohol also blows anxiety up more. Lots of caffeine can give you anxiety attacks btw.
God...I'll shut up after this question.
Why did you stop using the medication you got? Did it give you any sideeffects that you didn't like? (I'm not trying to get you on drugs, cause you're getting helps it seems..I just want to understand your reason for quitting it
. Or was it because you couldn't drink alcohol AND take the medication? Cause...that will fuck it up.
This is what all medication that works is about. All medication have sideeffects, just like everything in life has a downside and a upside.
You have to look at the balance. Is the medication so bad that it outweights the cutting, loss of belief in yourself, shame, loss of relationships etc..? That's just a point...the best is still to not use medication IF you manage to get better on your own with the therapy sessions.
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