Favorite movie quotes
- Thread starter VicRattlhd502
- Start date
veil the sky
Lexicon V
Luke - "but i was going to the tashi station to pick up some power converters"
Uncle Owen - "You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done"
Uncle Owen - "You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done"
veil the sky
Lexicon V
Board
A role model to mankind:
Why not just see if you can find it at imdb? There's usually a bottom on the left side that says "Memorable quotes".Crusader said:waarrrggghh, I can't remember that one from "The Fugitive"! I have to sse it then...I'll be back
veil the sky
Lexicon V
Crusader said:
hehe
yeh i was really struggling to choose some actually!
i was also thinking
Luke "you're kidding at the rate they're gaining!!" (for some reason i love that bit!)
and
Luke "But they're gonna kill her"
Han "Better her than me"
Luke "She's rich...."
Chewy *noise*
Han "Rich??"
Luke "mmm rich powerful, listen if you were to rescue her the reward would be....."
Han "what?"
Luke "well more wealth than you can imagine"
Han "I dunno I can imagine quite a bit"
Luke "You'll get it"
Han "I'd better"
Luke "You will!!"
and
Obey-wan "Oh he's not dead .....not yet"
and
Luke "you know him then?"
Obey-wan "Well of course i know him" *taps chest* "he's me!"
(it's all about that little tap
)i know most of the script from memory i think!!! hehe
manuelgv
Back now...hopefully
wow this is the first time me and veil agree
well we agreed when we said roger was a gay lobster boy
well we agreed when we said roger was a gay lobster boy
Crusader
Metal addict
- Sep 13, 2002
- 831
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Nielsen -Your dog certainly got a surprised look on his face yeah
Woman -Oh that's because you're looking at his butt
*dog growling*
Nielsen -Ah, Oh! Then he absolutely not gonna enjoy that treat that I just fed to him!
*dog barking*
From "Wrongfully Accused" with Leslie Nielsen.
Woman -Oh that's because you're looking at his butt
*dog growling*
Nielsen -Ah, Oh! Then he absolutely not gonna enjoy that treat that I just fed to him!
*dog barking*
From "Wrongfully Accused" with Leslie Nielsen.
nafnikufesin
N.F.F.
Scene 1
[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'
'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?
Scene 2
MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Scene 3
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take
it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
[angels sing]
her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
you saw it didn't you?
Scene 4
[arg]
[ugh]
[hah]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[hah]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[bang]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
Have at you! Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.
I'll bite your legs off!
Scene 5
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't... no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
BEDEMIR: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEMIR: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEMIR: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEMIR: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch!
BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
[yelling]
BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEMIR: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
the Knights of the Round Table.
Scene 6
BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
ride... to Camelot.
[singing]
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Though many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
[tap-dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a bit too loud in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
a silly place.
Right.
Scene 7
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry--
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
doing now!?
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so
depressing. Now knock it off!
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round
Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: A blessing!
LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD: God be praised!
Scene 8
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Who's castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de lu la Ramper (sp?)
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the
night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
Uh, he's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards] I told him we already got one.
OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother
was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
wha?
GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
[moo]
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[mayhem]
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no.
BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop]
[mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww]
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do
wha?
un cadeau?
a present!
oh, un cadeau.
oui oui hurry!
wha-?
let's go!
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise --
not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
and uh....
ARTHUR: Oh....
BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
[twong]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.
Scene 9
Pictures for Schools, take 8.
DIRECTOR: Action!
NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest
knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
individually. Now, this is what they did--
[tromp tromp]
[slash]
WOMAN: Greg!
Scene 10
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
MINSTREL (singing):
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his penis--
ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN: I am.
LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.
MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
LEFT HEAD: What?
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.
LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first
and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!
LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN: I never did!
MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN: Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN: I never!
[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'
'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?
Scene 2
MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Scene 3
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take
it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
[angels sing]
her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
you saw it didn't you?
Scene 4
[arg]
[ugh]
[hah]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[hah]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[bang]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
Have at you! Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.
I'll bite your legs off!
Scene 5
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't... no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
BEDEMIR: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEMIR: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEMIR: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEMIR: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch!
BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
[yelling]
BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
[whop]
[creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEMIR: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
the Knights of the Round Table.
Scene 6
BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
ride... to Camelot.
[singing]
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Though many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
[tap-dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a bit too loud in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
a silly place.
Right.
Scene 7
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry--
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
doing now!?
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so
depressing. Now knock it off!
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round
Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: A blessing!
LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD: God be praised!
Scene 8
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Who's castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de lu la Ramper (sp?)
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the
night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
Uh, he's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards] I told him we already got one.
OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother
was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
wha?
GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
[moo]
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[mayhem]
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no.
BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop]
[mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww]
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do
wha?
un cadeau?
a present!
oh, un cadeau.
oui oui hurry!
wha-?
let's go!
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise --
not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
and uh....
ARTHUR: Oh....
BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
[twong]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.
Scene 9
Pictures for Schools, take 8.
DIRECTOR: Action!
NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest
knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
individually. Now, this is what they did--
[tromp tromp]
[slash]
WOMAN: Greg!
Scene 10
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
MINSTREL (singing):
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his penis--
ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN: I am.
LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.
MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
LEFT HEAD: What?
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.
LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first
and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!
LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN: I never did!
MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN: Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN: I never!
nafnikufesin
N.F.F.
Crusader
Metal addict
- Sep 13, 2002
- 831
- 6
- 18
HOW can I forget this from "A Few Good Men"....omg this must be the most copied piece ever, I have seen it on almost 5 different sitcoms!
Kaffee is played by Tom Cruise, and Col. Jessup is played by Jack Nicholson.
Jessup -You want answers?
Kaffe -I think I'm entitled
Jessup -You want answers?
Kaffe -I WANT THE TRUTH!
Jessup -YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Kaffee is played by Tom Cruise, and Col. Jessup is played by Jack Nicholson.
Jessup -You want answers?
Kaffe -I think I'm entitled
Jessup -You want answers?
Kaffe -I WANT THE TRUTH!
Jessup -YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Master Ritch
Hellspawn
Rotting Corpse
Dark Bishop
livingdead_girl
Lecter's Slave
Chris Knight: You didn't touch anything, did you?
Mitch: No.
Chris Knight: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy.
Mitch: What is it?
Chris Knight: It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
Mitch: No.
Chris Knight: I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of attempts to avoid responsibility.
Kent Torokvei: You're all a bunch of degenerates!
Chris Knight: Oh, really? Well, what about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?
Kent Torokvei: You did not!
Chris Knight: This is true.
Kent Torokvei: Yeah, well it was hot and I was hungry!
Chris Knight: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races and we had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
Chris Knight: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch Taylor: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris Knight: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
Mitch Taylor: The weirdest thing just happened to me.
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor: No...
Chris Knight: Why, am I the only one who has that dream?
Chris: Would you classify that as a launch problem, or a design problem?
Kent: What's this supposed to be???
Chris: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
Kent: Who is this?
Mitch: This is Jesus, and you have been a very naughty boy.
Mitch: Kent, stop playing with yourself!
Kent: It is GOD!
Mitch: No.
Chris Knight: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy.
Mitch: What is it?
Chris Knight: It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
Mitch: No.
Chris Knight: I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of attempts to avoid responsibility.
Kent Torokvei: You're all a bunch of degenerates!
Chris Knight: Oh, really? Well, what about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?
Kent Torokvei: You did not!
Chris Knight: This is true.
Kent Torokvei: Yeah, well it was hot and I was hungry!
Chris Knight: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races and we had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
Chris Knight: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch Taylor: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris Knight: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
Mitch Taylor: The weirdest thing just happened to me.
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor: No...
Chris Knight: Why, am I the only one who has that dream?
Chris: Would you classify that as a launch problem, or a design problem?
Kent: What's this supposed to be???
Chris: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
Kent: Who is this?
Mitch: This is Jesus, and you have been a very naughty boy.
Mitch: Kent, stop playing with yourself!
Kent: It is GOD!
Cyanide
Stealing From Tomorrow
Bryant
Mr. Sleepy
The President's speech on Independence Day.
"Your honor Starfleet was founded to seek out new life... WELL THERE IT SITS !!....waiting" Cpt. JL Picard on "Measure of a Man" (Data's trial)
Bryant
"Your honor Starfleet was founded to seek out new life... WELL THERE IT SITS !!....waiting" Cpt. JL Picard on "Measure of a Man" (Data's trial)
Bryant
