Jokes

[entanglement]

.. and not 'the jokes thread'. breaking tradition is metal. starting off,


A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.

"The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


*****Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.*****

Male readers: Please scroll down.

















The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really not so bright but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that you women never listen!

 

[The Heartbreak Kid]

Thats cool.

Why did Hitler kill himself?

Because he saw his gas bill.

 

[Zephyrus]

Polish invention: Helicopter Ejector Seat

French tanks have one speed forward and four speeds for reverse.

What do German pilots eat for breakfast?







Luftwaffles.

 

[ThisIsACoolName]

So an Irishman walks out of a bar.

 

[False Joe]

Why do women have legs?

Because otherwise they'd get suckercupped to the floor.

 

[cookiecutter]

That's just unpleasant

 

[Killbot]

So a dyslexic walks into a bra.

 

[The Ozzman]

So a dyslexic walks into a bra.

 

[Vegard Pompey]

I have no idea what "suckercupped" means... But, anyway;

Heaven was running out of space, and it was decided that only those who had a really bad day before they died would be let inside.

Saint Peter stood by the gates as usual to let people inside.

"And how did you die?" he asked the first man that appeared that day.

"Oh, it was horrible!" the man answered. "I suspected my wife of having an affair, so I got home from work early to catch them red-handed. I searched through the whole apartment, but couldn't find him anywhere. I went out on the balcony - we live on the eight floor - and found him hanging on the outside of the balcony railing."

"So I went and got a hammer and slammed his fingers - he fell down but landed in a large bush, so I rolled the refridgerator over the railing so it fell on the man and crushed him. But because of the huge effort, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

Saint Peter agreed that it was a really lousy day, and since the murder was an act of jealousy he decided to let the man inside.

Soon afterwards another man came.

"And how did you die?" Saint Peter asked.

"It was really horrible", the man answered. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony to my apartment on the ninth floor, when I suddenly sprained my foot and fell over the railing. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing to the balcony on the eight floor, but then this lunatic came and slammed my fingers with a hammer."

"Fortunantely, I landed on a huge bush and didn't die. But then the asshole dropped a refridgerator on me and I died instantly."

Saint Peter had a good laugh and let the man inside.

Barely a minute later, another man came. He started to tell his story aswell.

"OK, so here I am, naked and hiding in a refridgerator..."

 

[rms]

at last 2

 

[Einherjar86]

1.
Q:What's more romantic than flowers on a piano?
A:Tulips on an organ.

2.
An old man hadn't been able to hear for years. He finally went to see a doctor, who diagnosed the problem and restored his hearing. A month later the man returned for a follow-up.

"Your family must be really happy you can hear again," the doctor said.

"Oh, I haven't told my family yet," the man said. "I just sit around and listen to them talk. So far I've changed my will three times."

3.
An American university funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After a year it concluded that the head is larger to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After that study was published, a French school decided to do its own study. After three years of research the French concluded that the reason the head is larger than the shaft is to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks they concluded that the head is larger than the shaft in order to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Edit: No offense to Canadians on the latter.

 

[waif]

These are all great, except GFAD's. Although couldn't you have resurrected the old jokes thread?

 

[ThisIsACoolName]

FUCK YOU, CLOWN.

 

[waif]

that alone was enough to make me laugh

 

[ThisIsACoolName]

It really is my favorite joke of all time.

 

[entanglement]

I searched GMD Social for any 'joke' occurances in titlenames, which I thought would also return all %joke% results (turns out it doesnt). The results werent convincing. I blame the vB search system.

This thread title's better imho. Here's one:



What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been in a 747!

 

[The Ozzman]

This joke was better when it actually happened:

What do Virginia Tech and Siberia have in common?














They're both -33 today

 

[ThisIsACoolName]

http://www.ultimatemetal.com/forum/6935024-post1.html

 

[entanglement]

You wouldnt have done that if that one weren't yours

---

Three men were hiking in the jungles of Africa. Before they sensed any danger, a tribe of cannibals captured them. The cannibals said they were going to kill them, eat their flesh, and use their skin to make canoes. However, the cannibals said they had a little mercy, and offered them the chance to choose any weapon of choice and kill themselves.

The first man asked for a gun. The cannibals gave it to him and he shot himself in the head.

The second man asked for a knife. The cannibals gave it to him and he stabbed himself in the heart.

The third man asked for a fork. The cannibals were confused, and asked him why. He responded by telling them that they promised to give him any weapon. The cannibals then gave him the weapon. Afterwards, the third man started poking the fork into his skin and making holes all over his body. He shouted in cynical humor:

"Damn your canoes!"

--
edit: oh, thought you linked to the thread

 

[waif]

This joke was better when it actually happened:

What do Virginia Tech and Siberia have in common?














They're both -33 today

Simply tasteless.