The Joke Thread

†_Aragorth_† said:
There was a pedophile in a park. stopped at little girl (5 years) and asked: "hey, do you wanna go with me to the car. I have a sweet for you."
She looked at him innocently and said back: "if you give me lot of them, I will give you a blowjob".

:heh:

:lol: best joke i've ever heard in my life.
 
This new mel gibson film makes it ok to tell crucifixion jokes again. . .so. . .


Jesus is up on the cross, and peter and mary and simon and the roman gaurds are all there. and jesus looks down a peter and says, in a very weak voice, "Peter. . . . . Peter. . . . .peeeteer. . . .



I can see your house from here."
 
London police fired warning shots over the heads of rioters today. Unfortunately, they killed six members of the royal family watching from a balcony.


A Kentucky man has been arrested for making an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank.


Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who was bother the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.


Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processions collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people who were already dead.


Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.


A man who was attempting to walk around the world drowned today on the first leg of his journey, which would have taken him from San Francisco to Honolulu.


A New Hampshire inventor has developed a machine he claims will grant him any wish. Reporters were greeted at his home by hundreds of naked women who said they had been blowing him for the last six months.
Here are the results of the Blind Person's Golf Tournament. The winner was Johnny Dowling, with 2,829 strokes, just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he may have had when he took a 612 on the final hole, including 115 separate putts.
 
Torgoth said:
You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ....................................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui.................................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man.
!!!! Priceless !!!!

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.
You gotta love this guy.

Where did you got this? I saw this on local newspaper. (Aamulehti)
 
Here's one...

It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.

While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My
name is Johnny Fuckhauer."

So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".

The kid said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny
Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth
grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the
fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a
moment, so she entered the room and directly asked
the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"
 
:lol: :lol:


----------------------
Here's another:

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
 
Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application
*************************************************

Name: _________________ Stage name: __________________

Agent: ________________ Attorney: ____________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___


Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead


Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine
(already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop


Please indicate how many times (Please skip if residing in
South Central L.A.)
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while
driving: _____


Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____


Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: ___________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________

What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more


TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the
cellular phone company for your 911 call not going
through.
d) Call your therapist.
e) None of the above. (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
Channel 4.

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance
form ready.
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Dumb California Laws
********************
- Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
- Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet
of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
- Bathhouses are against the law.
- It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a
moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
- Women may not drive in a house coat.
- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
- Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails,
sloths, and elephants.
- In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under
the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
 
A priest, rapist and a pedofile walks into a bar...

...and that was just the first guy.


Three men were stranded on a Island. Two of them were americans and the third was japanese. The americans decided that they would build some kind of boat to get of the island, and they told the japanese guy to go look for supplies. He went into the jungle, and the other two started building the boat. Time went by and after a few days the boat was completed, but the the japanese guy was nowhere to be seen. The americans decided to go look for him, and they found him short after. As they entered the jungle by the beach he jumped out from behind a tree and shouted "Suplise!"
 
okay, since i'm bored like hell, i'll translate a brazilian joke :p

A german, a french, an english and a brazilian were commenting about a picture of Adam and Eve on paradise.

The german dude says: "Look at those perfect bodies. She's so svelt and tall, he has this athletic body, perfect muscles... they must be german!"

The french replies: "Of course not! The erotism that goes out of both figures is evident! She's so feminine, he's so macho. They both know they'll soon be tempted. They must be french."

Shaking his head, the english man says:
"Not at all! The serenity of their faces, the delicate posing, the sober gestures. They have to be english!"

After a few seconds of thinking, the brazilian dude says
"I disagree with all of you. Take a closer look. They have no clothes, no shoes(SHOE! :zombie: ), no house... all they have is that small apple to eat, they don't protest, think about dirty stuff and sex all the time and still, they think they're on Paradise! They can only be brazilian!"

:p