The Joke Thread

[Torgoth]

Father Carlos

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up. Then, all the other bells started to ring and all hell broke loose.......

 

[Torgoth]

Beer Study:
Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

 

[Torgoth]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[TheSeldomlaid]

Fuck, nearly fell off my chair reading that!

I got a lame one. I'm translating it on the spot. It's not perverted or anything, to your disappiontment


There was this dude who bought himself a horse from the local priest. "Keep in mind", the priest said, "that to make him walk, you must say *Thank God*, to make him stop, you must say Halleluja". The dude thought this ounded good, and decided to take a ride at once. "Thank god", he said, and the horse started to walk. "Thank God", he said again and the horse started a slow trot. "Thank God Thank God Thank God", he said, and the horse set out in a wild gallopp. The dude was very satisfied with this, but suddenly he noticed that they were heading straight for a cliff. "Shit", he thought, "how do I stop this thing?". Suddenly he remembered and screamed "HALLELUJA!", and the horse stopped only an inch from the edge. "Thank God", he said...

 

[bobvex]

Did you ever notice, that on top of a barn, theres a cock, or a rooster, its the same animal really? but do you know why theres a cock on top of a barn?



Because if it was a cunt the wind would blow right through it.

 

[bobvex]

Its the last Supper, and jesus and his disciples are gathered around the table, and jesus says "One of you will betray me in the near future." His disciples were shocked, and Peter asked "Is it me Jesus," and jesus replied "no Peter it is not you." Then John turned to Jesus and inquired, "Is it me Jesus," and Jesus answered him, "no it is not you, John." Then Judas turned to Jesus and asked, "Is it me Jesus," adn Jesus turned to him and with a sneer of sarcasm replied "IIS IT ME JEEZUZ!!!"

(maybe it works better when told in person.)

 

[TheSeldomlaid]

Ever heard about the dyslectic devil-worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

 

[Torgoth]

New Improved Lawnmowers

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."



In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)



Next joke edited out due to several reports

 

[Torgoth]

A bass player and a drummer are driving out through the country late one afternoon when their Microbus overheats and stalls. Trapped in the middle of nowhere, the bass player and the drummer walk through a large field up to the steps of a quaint farmhouse. The farmer walks out on the porch, followed by his very attractive daughter, and asks, "Can I help you boys?" The drummer says, "Yeah, our car broke down. Can we use your phone to call a tow truck or a repair person?"

The farmer replies, "Well, I don't have a phone and the nearest repair guy is in town about a hundred miles away. I could take you boys in the morning if you woulnd't mind waiting till then."

"I guess so," said the bass player, staring at the daugther, "Do you have
somewhere we can stay?" "Well," the farmer replied, "I only have two beds in the house: one is mine and one is my daughter's. I guess you could sleep in with her if that's okay with you."

"That would be fine," the bass player replied immediately.
That night, the drummer and the bass player were both in bed with the
daughter. She rolls over to them and says "Hey, you guys wanna have some fun?" They look at each other and say, "Yeah, well, I guess." "Well, put these on so I don't get pregnant," She says. Three weeks later, the drummer and the bass player are back home jamming in their garage. The bass player turns to the drummer and says, "Hey, do you really care if that girl gets pregnant?"

The drummer replies, "No, I guess not." The bass player says, "Neither do I. Good, then I'm gonna take this damn thing off!"

 

[Torgoth]

Temperatures:

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele, i's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

 

[†_Aragorth_†]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH fuck this one was good

 

[BodomiC]

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele, i's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

OMG This is hilarious, Ive jumped outta shoose...

 

[The_Children_of_Decadence]

@Torgoth:

 

[Torgoth]

From South African Tourism website:

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers - take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa?(USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population?(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?(Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

[Lanterns]

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

 

[Torgoth]

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted to hear all my life. "My dad owns a liquor store."
- Mark Klein

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
- WC Fields

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Joe E Lewis

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
- Douglas Adams

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams

America would be a nice place to live if Americans didn't live there.
- Anonymous

The American male doesn't mature until he has exhausted all other possibilities.
- Wilfred Sheed

If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English.
- Wilfred Sheed

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.
- Oscar Wilde

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire, God would never trust an Englishman in the dark.
- Duncan Spaeth

Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.
- George Mikes

According to the latest poll in the Washington Post, 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers.
- Conan O'Brien

(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.
- Jay Leno

Well, he got this new globe for Christmas.
- Bob Dole, dispelling rumors that George W. Bush lacks a grasp of foreign affairs

Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?
- Jay Leno

The best man in England.
- Ronald Reagan, on Margaret Thatcher

A philosopher is a person who gives other people advice about troubles he hasn't had.
- William R. Lewis

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
- Robert Zend

I got an A in philosophy because I proved that my professor didn't exist.
- Judy Tenmuta

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Robert Orben

 

[Torgoth]

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge!?", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge!?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Heavens sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"

 

[Torgoth]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game Is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of
their partner (with phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they Both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago, made The City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly The funniest
thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

-----
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said That if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with Us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous Hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get the wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now And I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to Give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?
Be Completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If Your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect His manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question Away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

 

[Lokakuu]

Needed to laugh, Thanks. Those are great.

 

[Torgoth]

THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY, IMAGINE THIS.

You're a Siamese Twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.