The Joke Thread

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
 
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: We are a lighthouse. Fuck off.
 
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule:

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Kurds Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Me"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Shapeless, Black Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
8:30 - "God's Will and Grace Can Keep Us From Touching One Another"
9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek
10:00 - "Matlock"
 
Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:

Don't let worry kill you [off]. Let the Church help.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
 
How do you know when it's s drummer knocking on the door?
It speeds up,and he doesn't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can easily feed a family of four.

A bass player goes to the optometrist, and the doctor says "You really need to stop masturbating." The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "Why... am I going blind?" "No," says the doctor. "But you're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room."

This Bass Player goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"
Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How’d you guess?"
She replies, "Because you’re so damn ugly."
 
Torgoth said:
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: We are a lighthouse. Fuck off.
Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: :lol: Yeah, that one pwns. I've read it somewhere before, but it's just fukkin' genious!!!
 
Dunno if they are good, but I just made these up...


How many contemporary artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to smash the old bulb, arrange the shatters on a pedestal and sell the whole thing to a gallery for €10000, and one to change the bulb, put the luminaire in a room, switch it on, and sell the “installation” to the gallery for €20000.


How many nu-rock or nu-metal “musicians” does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to throw the whole luminaire away after the lamp has burnt out because after all, it was just an old luminaire with actual talent and great musicianship, ballsy vocals, good songwriting and -Ewww!- guitar solos!!!! Yuck!!!!!!!!!
One to buy a new bulb, tune it way down and play three chords on it.
And another one to take the new (nu) bulb, put it into the cheapest and ugliest luminaire he can find, rap and whine over it and sell ten million copies of it.
 
the nu metal one was . . . . .how can i say this in a nice way. . . . .






terrible?




But a noble effort none the less
 
You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ....................................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui.................................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man.
!!!! Priceless !!!!

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.
You gotta love this guy.
 
This is really old but I like it.


A young boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a crushed frog on a string. He goes up to the madam and says, "I'd like to have the service of one of your young ladies, but she's gotta have herpes."
The madam, taken aback by the boy, asks him, "Little boy, why on earth would you want to ruin your life at such an early age?"
The boy says, "I don't want to explain, Either you help me out or I'll go somewhere that will!"
The madam figures his money is better spent here than somewhere else, and takes him into the back to meet his lady.
About an hour later the boy, still dragging the frog, tries to pay for his time.
"Keep your money", said the Madam, "but I've just got to know why a boy your age wants herpes so badly. Won't you please tell me?"
The boy takes a deep breath and sighs. "Ma'am, you see this frog? When I go home tonight, mom and dad are going out, and the babysitter will come over. And the babysitter will get the herpes. Then mom and dad will come home, dad will take the babysitter home, and dad will get herpes. When mom and dad go to bed tonight, mom will get herpes. Tomorrow, I'll go to school, dad will go to work, and the milkman will get herpes. And the milkman," the boy sobbed, "the milkman is the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!"
 
Torgoth said:
You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ....................................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui.................................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man.
!!!! Priceless !!!!

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.
You gotta love this guy.
Click to expand...
Oh im emailing this to everyone.

this is great.
 
The Ten Commandments, version 1.1 (as Jesus would want them in this day and age)

I. Thou shalt not have any gods before me or behind me. Seriously.
II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, unless it's somehow related to porn.
III. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain... ...except during orgasms.
IV. Remember the sabbath day, on whicheth God kicked back and smoked a lot of pot. Keep it holy, dude.
V. Honour thy father and thy mother, for they will cometh in handyeth when you needeth bail money.
VI. Thou shalt not kill on Wednesdays between 11 am and 1 pm... ...unless you REALLY want to.
VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery with someone whose spouse is packing heat, unless thou haveth a posse.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal unless thou intendeth to buy pot!
IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour or his drugdealer.
X. Thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbour's.. but starting from two houses away it's okay

XI - The Golden Rule:

There's always a catch.
 
Broken V. . .?

I like Carlins version of the Ten Commandments, where he takes ten, and combines and tosses some of them, and ends up with 2 or 3 by the end

"Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let's start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder.

. . .But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself"
 
A fox was chasing a rabbit and suddendly they heard strange noise. They went to see what was it and found an elf, who was caught between two rocks. They helped him out and for that the elf gave them both 3 wishes.

The fox went first. "I want a sexy girl fox". The elf snapped it's fingers and so the sexy girl fox appeared.

The rabbit said "I want a huge sack of carrots" and he got it.

The fox asked for another sexy girl fox and got it.

The rabbit wanted a moped and the elf gave it to him.

The fox's third wish was, surprise surprise, another sexy girl fox. And so he was surrounded by 3 sexy girl foxes.

At that point the rabbit got on his moped with his carrot sack and drove about 100 m away from them. Then he stopped and yelled "Oh, and my third wish is that the fox will never get a hard on!" and drove away.:D
 
haha, I've heard the version where the last wish is that the other animal becomes gay


Here's one of those true stories involving geniuses:

" A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500
and has $560 monthly payments.

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course
all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake
with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They
drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In
order to make a hole large enough to look like something
a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going
to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So,
out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick
of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at
a location far from where they are standing (and from the
new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk
of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite
fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far
away as they can.

Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about the dog:
It's a highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.
Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the
owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite
with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the
ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what
to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the
guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but
continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still
standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes
off to find cover -- under the brand new Navigator truck.
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust
pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops
the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the
bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two
idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this
happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says
that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives
is NOT COVERED.

He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month
payments!

- And you thought your day was not going well? "
 
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