These are probably from that previous joke thread, I'm too lazy to check.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "PLEASE, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said she didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could firghten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
There's a judge trying a very public case of a man who battered his wife and daughter to death with a hammer. The case is just about finished and the man has been found guilty. The judge is summing up before passing sentence.
"You, sir, have been found guilty of murdering your wife in cold blood by battering her to death with a hammer....."
Suddenly, a voice from the gallery shouts "Absolutely disgusting".
The judge shouts "SILENCE IN COURT!!". Then he continues;
"you are also guilty of battering your young daughter to death, with the same hammer...."
"Fucking disgraceful" shouts the same voice.
"What is the meaning of this, sir? Please keep quiet. Order in my court!!" fervours the judge. He then goes on;
"And so, having murdered your entire family with this hammer..."
"You filthy bastard" shouts the voice again.
"Bring that man here! Bring him here!!" orders the judge.
When the man is brought to the judge, the judge says "What is going on here? I'm trying to sentence this man and you keep shouting out abuse. What is the meaning of this?"
"I'll tell you why, your honour." says the man, "15 years I've lived next door to that man, and whenever I asked to borrow his hammer, he always said he never had one!"
rené descartes, the great philosopher, meets a man in the street.
man: master, will it rain tonight?
descartes: i don't think
descartes dies.
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Dog Care
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
A young black man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."
The black man said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
There's a lion drinking from a water hole. An amorous gorilla sees the lion's behind moving up and down as it's drinking and can't hold back. He sneaks up behind the lion and begins to frantically hump the lion.
The lion starts to writhe around, snarling and going crazy.
The gorilla shits it and runs off into the trees, laughing. The lion, mad as hell, chases after it as fast as it can.
The gorilla is sprinting away, putting a good distance between itself and the lion, when it comes upon a clearing. In the clearing is a man in a piff helmet sitting in a deck chair, reading a newspaper.
The gorilla throws the man into a tree, grabs the piff helmet, sits on the chair and begins to make lke he's reading the news paper.
The lion comes hurtling into the clearing, snarling and seething. It roars "Grrrrrrr............you haven't seen a gorilla come running through here, have you?"
The gorilla says "not the one that fucked the lion down by the water hole?"
The lion says "fuck me, it hasn't made the papers already, has it???".
