Jokes

[muzmaze]

So an Irishman walks out of a bar.

...and crosses the street and goes into another bar.


A big, ugly, beastly woman walks into a Bar, raises her hand revealing a hairy armpit and asks, "so who wants to buy me a drink? Complete silence in the Bar, then an old-timer at the end of the Bar offers to buy her a drink.
The woman sucks it back raises her arm (hairy pit) and asks again for another drink. Nobody but the old-timer again buys her a drink.
This continues for sometime, only to have the bewildered Bartender ask the old-timer, "why do you and only you continue to buy this ugly, hairy woman drinks"?
The old-timer replies, "any Ballerina who comes into this bar and can raise her leg over her head...deserves a drink!"

 

[Vimana]

Womens rights.

 

[The Ozzman]

Womens rights.

Women have rights...like the right to make me a sandwich

 

[Killbot]

What's the main cause of paedophilia in the UK?
Sexy Kids

 

[Einherjar86]

You can tell me them, but other people on the board will probably get offended and start a massive racism debate.

OK then.

DISCLAIMER:
I don't mean any offense. This is purely a stereotypical joke. I don't believe these stereotypes; they just make for good humor. It sounds like something you would hear on SNL.

Here goes. It's a bit long.

A man goes to a golf course to play a round and asks the guy behind the desk in the pro shop for nine holes and a caddy.

"I can give you the nine holes," the guy said. "But we're all out of caddies. But I'll tell you what: we just got ten of these new robot caddies in and haven't tried them out yet. If you take one and test it, I'll give you your round of golf for free."

"Alright!" the man said. "Done."

On the golf course, the man was getting ready to tee off and said, "I think I'll use my driver."

"No, sir," the robot said. "Your 3-wood will be fine."

So the man shrugged and tried out the 3-wood. Sure enough, he hit a beautiful shot, straight down the fairway and onto the green. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Thanks!"

On the green, the man said, "I think the ball will break left."

The robot shook its head and said, "No, sir. The ball is going to break right."

Assured by the robot's correctness earlier, he followed its advice. Sure enough, the ball broke right. And that wasn't all. That day, everything the robot said was right. The man played his best round of golf ever, and when he got back to the pro shop he thanked the guy and told him he would be back again next week.

So, next week rolls around, and the man returns. He goes to the front desk and asks the guy for nine holes and one of the robot caddies.

"I can give you the nine holes," the guy said. "But we don't have the robot caddies anymore."

"What?" the man exclaimed. "Why?"

"We had to get rid of them."

"Why?"

"People were complaining about them," the guy behind the desk said.

"Who would ever complain about those robots?" the man exclaimed. "They were great!"

"Well, their performance was impeccable," the guy said. "But the golfers were frustrated because the sunlight was reflecting off the robots' metallic bodies and affecting their shots."

The man shook his head, perplexed. "Then why didn't you just paint them black?"

"We did," the guy behind the desk said. "Five didn't show up for work, four went on welfare, and the last one tried to rob the pro-shop."

 

[Vimana]

What's the main cause of pedophilia in the UK?
Sexy Kids

Or lack of dentists.

 

[Pessimism]

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when my dad approached me. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it." "Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering. Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled. I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first--" Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer hog. Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, 'cause that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and and made me stop. "I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said. I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field. And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me. "Son, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!" But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you're pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him. Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with the drugs, I like to tell them this story.

 

[muzmaze]

But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him.

Maybe you should have hammered the window shut!

 

[cookiecutter]

You can tell me them, but other people on the board will probably get offended and start a massive racism debate.

Most of the jokes here don't offend me because of racism or sexism. They're just bad jokes.

Also, lol at the hammer story. A golden internet oldie

 

[Zephyrus]

Most of the jokes here don't offend me because of racism or sexism. They're just bad jokes.

It's so easy being a middle class White heterosexual male, isn't it?

 

[False Joe]

It's so easy being a middle class White heterosexual male, isn't it?

Lol at lower class Black homosexual females tbh.

 

[waif]

The robot joke was simply weak.

 

[Einherjar86]

Aw, I love that joke. Maybe it needs to be told in person.

 

[False Joe]

henever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with the drugs, I like to tell them this story.

Well that went straight over my head.

 

[Einherjar86]

A woman told her friend, "I need to be really careful that I don't get pregnant."

"I thought your husband had a vasectomy?" her friend asked.

She replied, "Exactly."

 

[False Joe]

 

[waif]

A woman told her friend, "I need to be really careful that I don't get pregnant."

"I thought your husband had a vasectomy?" her friend asked.

She replied, "Exactly."

 

[Melodeath]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[Blind Guardian]

What did the captain of MS Estonia say when he heard about the troubles?
I´ll go to the bottom with this.

What does MS Estonia and a christmas calendar have in common?
The hatches are opened too early.

 

[cookiecutter]

I don't get those