O/T: I have a bit of a moral dilemma guys (help me out)

Thorngren

Thorngren

Project Genocide
Apr 2, 2005
147
0
16
38
The Napa Valley
www.livejournal.com
Ok… I know I don’t post here all that much, but I do lurk quite a lot. And anyway you guys are all cool, and some of you know me (others are seeing my name and going 'whaa?') but I was wondering if you don’t mind it, I’m having a bit of a moral dilemma and was hoping to get all your guys advice.


Ya see, there’s this girl whom I’m good friends with, but I’ve liked her for some-odd years and always had a big thing for her, however somehow or another she’s always ended up dating one of my friends and/or good acquaintance throughout this time. Now me being the upstanding and good guy I am, I always just let my two friends be happy and wish it were me instead.

Anyway… I’ve known her since 99, so you can imagine it’s been kinda weird for me. I’ve tried to make it work, but somehow with goddamn luck, one of my friends has always beaten me to it. Fast forward to now and she’s living with/sleeping with my ultimate best friend (you know, the guy who calls ya every other night to hangout, stops by your work to just to say hello and pops by your house outta nowhere n bring beer with him). So ya know, I’m happy this girl I’ve always cared for (but thinks of me just as a ‘great friend’) and my best buddy are together because they’re both so happy n everything. But ya know, I’m cool with it at this point.

But shit… yesterday he was sending me photos over MSN from a party we went to and he sends me the wrong pictures. Oops!!! Revealing and sexy lingerie photos. He laughs and cracks a joke about how its too bad I aint quite as lucky as him but there’s always hope for ‘second best girl’ and then sends me the correct photos. Ever since than I’ve been relatively angry/grumpy, I get like this knot in my stomach that feels like I was sucker punched and I’m having trouble talking to either one of them while looking at their face.

Now here’s my question… is it wrong I feel this angry/jealousy about it all? I could deal with it before hand n let it slide, but once I saw the photos it really hit me. Am I a bad friend because of it (too either of them) and are my feelings unjustified? Also, I saved the photos (I know that was horrible of me, but shit she’s hot n I‘ve wanted to see that forever) but I looked at them today when I got off work n I just felt kinda sick looking at them because I realized that was her, her with my friend, and it’ll never be like that for me. I guess my whole rant is basically asking, am I a bad friend towards them because of this, what’s wrong with me, n what should I do about it?


/end rant.
thanks for bothering to read all that, and i hope i get at least a few replys on what to do/WTF is wrong with me. you're all great, so i figure one of yas gotta have something to say that'll help me
 
That's a really crappy situation. One that almost every dude has at least touched on. Do you suppose that photo was sent to you intentionally? It seems a bit weird that somebody could make a mistake like that. I don't think you're a bad friend but I get the impression your buddy knows your situation and he's rubbing it in... and that's a bit whacked.
But, I could be totally wrong man.
At any rate... I would try to stay away for a while, but that's just me.
P.S. Oh... and can you send me the photo? ( Just Kidding )
 
Nah, don´t feel bad about what you think about them. My advice is to think those thoughts and not supress them when they pop into your mind. I think that is the best way to get over it, think about it (even if it makes you fell ashamed and that the people you think about are your friends) until it bores you.

Mike Muir from Suicidal Tendencies said something very true, "Close friends are not people who always tell you things are great and that you are right everytime. Close friends are the ones who sometimes says, "what the fuck did you do that for?"".

And this may be a rant but I belive it´s the part of the judeo/christian/muslim tradition most of of us have grown up with that tell us that anger and jealosy is something bad. I think it´s wrong, those two don´t come out of nowhere and the devil didn´t put them in your mind for you to stray from go (you know that guy who wants your money). I think it´s more constructive to actually think those thoughts and think about why you have them. I was very angry and tired of a lot of shit because I was picked on a lot and bullied through most of my school-days. When I got a bit older I came to the conclusion that suppressing those fellings was a mistake and instead work with them. I rarelly get jelous but this attitude works well when I´m angry over something.

Woho! Post 3000!
 
I guess they aren't "old tits".

He sent the pictures to you on purpose.
He knows how you feel and was rubbing it in.
If you never told her you have these feelings for her it is your own fault.
I don't think you should wait any longer and you should just let her know when you get the chance. Good luck!!
 
yeah i agree............. you just have to tell your mate how you feel so hes a bit more sensitive about the whole deal, if he a true friend he'll back off on his own from that point on his own, i would hope he just doesnt realise how seriously you feel.......if you tell him and he says he doesnt care than at least its sorted either way.........but dude get rid of the photos, those thinsg will just burn your mind !

as fer the chick.....sounds harsh....but if it was meant to happen it would have after 7 years, can't just be your mates 'beating you to it', these things dont tend to be races or anything, so she is choosing, or you are letting them beat you to it in fear of being rejected by her...i dunno, jus guessing.....sure thats not what yuo want to hear anyway, but doesnt sound like things will end up the way you want, and all you are doing is dragging it out and making yourself feel like shit everytime she dates another mate.........if she doesnt see it, then its her loss, least shes happy and your friend is too.........

but at the risk of upsetting the ladies of the board, chicks are mental , no guessing which way they'll turn next, best off approaching them as psychos and seeing what mental frame of mind hits them next ;) hope shit works out tho, even if its not in the way you want it to
 
I don't think you are a bad friend because you are a little jealous it isn't you with the girl, so long as you don't let those feelings start to affect your judgment. I have a friend who almost all the time can trump me in everything - her husband makes big bucks, mine made $8.50 an hour; she owns two houses, I rent 4 rooms downstairs from my mother; I've been working the same job for almost 3 1/2 years and have to beg for raises, she just got a job three months ago and got a raise. Eventually I had to just tell her to stop telling me certain things not because I wasn't happy for her but because it was really starting to bug the shit out of me. I'm happy for her but I really don't need to know all the details about the new dining room table she bought when I can't even eat in my own kitchen cause its too damn small.

I agree with Arg that maybe you want to take a break for a while until you get your emotions back in check.

You shouldn't keep the pictures, either, not because they make you sick to look at but if she really is your friend, you should have more respect for her than that. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate knowing that she took these pictures for her boyfriend and they wound up in your hands and instead of deleting them, you kept them.

Being married, I can see things from my past life so much more clearly now. When they say that there are other fish in the sea, it really is true. In a past life I would get so hung up on a guy and if he didn't like me (which happened WAY more times than I care to remember), I would start wondering what was wrong with me, why didn't he like me, blah, blah, blah. But you know what? There is nothing wrong with me. I don't have to do like all the 80s movies make you think - change my clothes, my hair and basically who I am - to prove true love to someone. Fuck that. If they don't like me for who I am, then so be it. I can't be everything to everyone.

It sounds like you might be hung up on this girl for a long time and I would hate to think that you might be passing up great opportunities waiting for your chance to ask this girl out (not saying you are). You said that your two friends are faster than you are giving the implication that had you worked faster, she may be with you instead of one of your friends now. I have a question or five: do you really want to be with someone who thinks of you third? Say she broke up with your friend and even if your friend was totally ok with you going with his ex, why would you want to be with someone who thinks of you because there are no other friends left? Again, I could be wrong but I get the feeling that if she wanted you tomorrow, you would go for it. But the reality is that she is her own person and no matter how fast your other friends may act, if she liked you in more than friend way, she could have told the other two to take a hike a long time ago because she wanted to be with you. I don't mean that to sound harsh, which I am sure it does, but like I said, it isn't because there is anything wrong with you. And even if she did want you all of a sudden, you've already been through a lot of heart ache and drama to get to that point. Relationships need work to maintain but damn, it shouldnt be difficult just to get to the point of dating someone else.

I've rambled enough and I'm sure I have more to say (and I might). I hope I didn't come across as bitchy because that isn't my intent at all. Hope you feel better soon.
 
Mate,

If he sent you those pics on purpose, you have to ask yourself why. Someone who is secure of himself wouldn't need to send you the pics to show you how unlucky you are and how lucky he is; he sends them to attempt to assure himself that he is "on top" so to speak. Letting it eat away will only, on a moral level, add fire to his ego. Try and take a step back, a deep breath, and examine the issues. From my experience, female friends (and especially good friends) are best kept as friends, as once a relationship is entered into, it changes everything. Right now you have two friends, and if you tried to get into a relationship, you could wind up with having neither of them. So, your friend has acted like a cunt: this is an oppurtunity for you to leave that shit behind, leave them to play kiddy mind games and come out the bigger man.

I'm certainly no Christian, but sometimes turning the other cheek can help. You may realise that instead of feeling jealous, you should pity your friend for doing something so dumb and immature. If he sent that pic on purpose, it's indicative of a general attitude that will eventually ruin his relationship anyway, at which point one of the strongest tenets of male friendship will come into play:

"Women may come and go, but a good friend will always be there".

He might be rubbing it in with you at the moment to make himself feel better, but sooner or later, he'll need you.

I'm married mate, but trust me, this is true.
 
Dude,

If you guys party one night - don't let him pass out while you and her keep drinking etc. - You might end up in bed with her and that will be even a worse situation.
 
Seriously, stay away from the chick. You situation has bad news written all over it. Even if you did hook up with her, it would probably cause you and your buddy to stop being friends. Also, since he more than likely sent you her pics on purpose, imagine the stuff he would probably send you just to spite you. You would feel twice as sick if your buddy "accidently" sent you a pic of them getting freaky. That shit messes with your head whether you think you can handle it or not. Let it go.... Like E.C. said, try to find another girl because there are plenty out there.
 
DarrellDethSDMF said:
I think you should tell your friends how you feel. You shouldn't be Mr.Nice Guy forever. Everything will propably change, but if you aren't happy at this situation, what do you have to lose?
Click to expand...

Good words. And you have every right to feel the way you do. I have been in that situation myself. For me, it worked out the better because me and the chic are hella good close friends (she lives in a whole other state now too) and I am married. But it did take me asking her "why wasnt I ever good enough?" Unfortunately my response was along the lines of "I knew I would hurt you. I would just use you and cheat on you and I didnt want to do that." My "friend" that was sleeping with her at the time ended up trying to kick my face in (trying is the key word) because I moved on an emotion. I live by that motif. Follow what your heart and instincts say, you were given them for a reason. What it all boils down to is, IF your friend values your friendship, he will understand where you are coming from. IF she values your friendship, she will be honest. If neither one act honestly or even care how you feel, then they did not hold your feelings in as high regard as you did theirs.

Look out for yourself, and life is about sacrifices, even if they tear at the very fabric of ourselves. I am sure everyone on this board has made a choice in that vein. Just be honest and upfront.
 
You should contact Dr Phil? just kidding, jokes aside.

Dude, I suggest if they are good friends as you say, talk to them both and tell them how you feel. 1) i think you really need to get this off your chest, talk to them 2) if they are truly great friends they will understand. This could improve your friendships also, you'll show how much you care about them and if theyre great friends, they will appreciate that and hold a high regard towards you. I personally think you hold too much back and let it eat you up. Be a man, stand up and confront, you have nothing to lose and much to gain. All the best.
 
Bunch of softies and wimps on the board, get your friend drunk till he passes out then take the girl out into the back of a Volkswagen and slowly pump her ass! Offer her a chocolate mai tai when you’re done.........................
Sorry dude just fuckin with you.
Dr. Prime believes your friend sent those pics on purpose. Here is what I would do. First off I would tell your friend about the fascination you have with her and tell him its not cool cause if he really loves her, he would not accidentally send out pics of his lady. Be honest with your bud so ya don't blow your frinedship. How he takes it will be up to him but at least you will be a bigger man for telling the truth. Secondly I would avoid this chick at all costs. I sense a great disturbacne in the force my young padowon and advice you to seek love elsewhere. However, if one day you find this girl to be single tell her how you feel if you still feel the same way. Shit or get off the pot. . Now one other thing, you should really consider finding a new girl, do you really want to be with a lady that went through all your friends.. Its weird and a little disturbing but if you really love her it could be worth the risk…………. And possibly some STD’s
 
thanks a million guys. i've read every responce, and they've all been very helpful.

the thing was.... about two years ago i just gave up and moved on. in act i was content being her very good friend, and i was really happy for my buddy when he got w/ her because they were a great couple and i was jusy overjoyed that my two best friends were so happy together. as far as either of them knew, i was totally suportive and i would even give my buddy advice when the relationship got a bit rocky. He had no i was into her (if you ignore when we were in HighSchool n i told him i thought she was a total babe, but that was like 3 years ago n i never went into it more). and well her, she's so ditzy n whatnot that whenever i was trying to get close to her she thought i was just being sweet. i woulda had to make a pass at her for her to ever get any idea, n that is just way too forward for me.

but yeah... i'm 100% sure he didn't send me those pics outta spite. if anything, he probably thought it would be funny + bragging rights (after all, we're guys, n we do share our stories). But i guess, even though i thought i was totally over her n moved on, i hadnt... only one time something like that happened was about a year ago i had been drinking heavy n i desided to write her a letter telling her how i felt, but i sobered up in time n thrashed it, lol (i just chocked it up too to much alcohol at the time) but i guess seeing those pictures just really got to me good in a way i had no idea of, and it all hit me again after totally putting it outta my mind. but reading everything here has helped a whole lot (much thanks again everyone, you're all great).

i dont wanna say anything because things are going so well, with the status quo and all. Plus she's actually leaving for the Army in two weeks, n me saying anything would just be rocking a boat thats already sailing off. maybe one time i'll mention it to him in a month or so, but for the few weeks shes here i should leave things be.


but thanks again everyone, i've taken much of the advice to heart. it's great to see everyone being so suportive n helping their fellow man. haha.
 
Thorngren said:
but thanks again everyone, i've taken much of the advice to heart. it's great to see everyone being so suportive n helping their fellow man. haha.
Click to expand...
thats really good, so uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh can you forward me the pictures? I promise I won't share with other um board members. Well, anyone except black thirteen, alex stomp, skorned, thraxx and delphi but other then that i'll keep em on the dl. :Spin:
 
prime666 said:
thats really good, so uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh can you forward me the pictures? I promise I won't share with other um board members. Well, anyone except black thirteen, alex stomp, skorned, thraxx and delphi but other then that i'll keep em on the dl. :Spin:
Click to expand...


i soooooooooooooooo shouldn't do this, but as long as no one here sends out the pictures anywhere else (and i trust ya guys) i'll link ya to one of the photos... that way ya know what i'm missing out on LINK




but yeah guys.... all day at work today i just thought about what everyone said and i'm feeling like 85 or 90% better about the whole thing ya know. i guess it was just that big smack like BAM it hit me how real that was n where things are. but it's all cool now n i should be alright. thanks again everyone. maybe next time i'm having a prob i'll post it here instead of walking down to the bar. it'd be much cheaper, haha!!! (i guess i'm also a bit in good spirits because i just got home n tomorrow'll be my first off day in 8 days)

tomorrow i'm gunna hit the bar n try n find me someone. i'm all money ya know, and your right there's other fish n all that. i just need to pick up, move on and get going. :D
 
Thank you, mucho gracias. Come to Australia, plenty of women, excellent beer. What else do you fucking want? I hope you have learnt not to hold back. Speak your mind, if anybody dont like it, fuck them. Be good.
 
prime666 said:
thats really good, so uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh can you forward me the pictures? I promise I won't share with other um board members. Well, anyone except black thirteen, alex stomp, skorned, thraxx and delphi but other then that i'll keep em on the dl. :Spin:
Click to expand...
NOT me!! Dammit :hotjump: :D
 
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