Poets of Future

[Toygun the Reaper]

I'm in a competion named "Poets of Future" in my school.I wrote something about love but I dont have any idea about is it good or bad.Im writing it now and say its good or bad please

It was a silent night,
When I was looking at the shadows,
Something came,
Lights of moon were showing her beauty
Oh,it was an Angel
Fallen from innocence,
God,it's miracle,
With her white wings
With her venomed lips
With her dark eyes,
She was torturing me every night,
I couldn't forget her.
Who are you?
What are you?
Are you the one who rescues me from my nightmares?
She smiled,
I couldnt look at her
I didn't have courage to do it,
Her eyes were like a teeth,biting me.
Venom of love was in my veins now.
Surrendering me,
Torturing me,
But years past,and she didn't came
Life seemed dull
No reason to live,
No reason to breath,
Drinking was my only option
There was only one escape from this madness,it was death.
Scythes of Death stabbed in me,
I didnt mind about sacrifing myself
Cause at least we would be together...

 

[Nerve]

Are you.. this guy who writes lyrics for My Dying Bride ?..

 

[Undefined]

^ Leave him alone

I'll post my comment in a minute

 

[Undefined]

It was a silent night,
When I was looking at the shadows,
Something came,

You can find a different adjective for silent, or infact, you can find a much more poetic was to say "silent night" because it's an overused term and your first line youd grab the reader's attention and imaginiation. So try playing around with different terms, and just be as creative as possible and you can forged a real unique mix... again, then next line "looking" and "shadows" are boring words, and in poetry, words are the all important factor. Unique wording and original phrases that display your creativity keep the reader interested and keeps them from getting bored and think your piece is just another poem like 982039804398043984309 others. If you must, use a thesaurus. Wrire what you want to say, but then go back and add to it and change. This is a great start, it gets what you want to say down on the paper. Now with some clever use of imagination and good editing, this could be turned into something very cool.

I'll show you an example of what I mean. Bear in mind it's not gonna be amazingly good cuz I'm coming up with it on the spot, and poetry is normally something I write, then edit and write more over the course of many days but this displays what I mean:

Instead of the first lines as they are, they could be re-written with the same meaning just in a more poetic way, ie;

A voiceless night encompassed the sky
as I gazed into umbral obscurity

-or-

A soundless sky that overtook the earth
as I peered into the infinite shade

By avoided overused or cliched terms, it adds to the credibility of your piece and shows your talents as a writer. My best advice is to jsut play around with the wording until you comeup with something truly original from your mind. So just applywhat I have suggested to the rest of the piece, and then repsot, I'minterested to see what you coem up with. If you need any help editing, just PM it to me or whatever. You don't have to take my advice either, I'm just trying to help. Also, you need to breakup the piece into stanza's or change the punctuation. A poem is not all capitals and commas. I will put what you had into stanza format to show you the natural breaks (and some small editing to help the flow).

It was a silent night,
when I was looking at the shadows
something came.

Lights of moon were showing her beauty.
Oh, it was an Angel
fallen from innocence.

God's miracle:
with her white wings,
her venomed lips
and her dark eyes.

She was torturing me every night;
I couldn't forget her.

Who are you?
What are you?
Are you the one who rescues me from my nightmares?

When she smiled,
I couldnt look at her.
I didn't have courage to do it.
Her eyes were like a teeth, biting into me.

Venom of love was in my veins now.
Surrendering me to _?_?_?_,
torturing me.

But years past,
and she never arrived.
Life seemed dull.
No reason to live,
no reason to breath.

Drinking was my only option.
There was only one escape from this madness;
it was death.

Death's scythe stabbed into me.
I didn't care I was sacrifing myself
because at least then we would be together...

So yeah, that is how a free-form stanza format could go, I just went through and seperated it where I felt there was a natural break, however as the author you could change it a number of ways, depending on what you're trying to emphasize. I can't stress enough the importance of avoiding cliched and overused terms. Poetry is something you have to practice over and over and you can never stop learning. The more you write, the better you will become at comingup with your own unique terms and style. Sometimes it's good to write something the way you have, and use it as a jumping off point. It gives you in plain english an outline of what you want to say, now go through it and take the normal things (suchs and "venomed lips" and "an angel fallen from innocence") and make it into something superb.

I'm interested to see what you do, and I hope I helped! Cheers!

 

[RiderOfJustice]

Ghey poem Ghey thread.

 

[Toygun the Reaper]

You can find a different adjective for silent, or infact, you can find a much more poetic was to say "silent night" because it's an overused term and your first line youd grab the reader's attention and imaginiation. So try playing around with different terms, and just be as creative as possible and you can forged a real unique mix... again, then next line "looking" and "shadows" are boring words, and in poetry, words are the all important factor. Unique wording and original phrases that display your creativity keep the reader interested and keeps them from getting bored and think your piece is just another poem like 982039804398043984309 others. If you must, use a thesaurus. Wrire what you want to say, but then go back and add to it and change. This is a great start, it gets what you want to say down on the paper. Now with some clever use of imagination and good editing, this could be turned into something very cool.

I'll show you an example of what I mean. Bear in mind it's not gonna be amazingly good cuz I'm coming up with it on the spot, and poetry is normally something I write, then edit and write more over the course of many days but this displays what I mean:

Instead of the first lines as they are, they could be re-written with the same meaning just in a more poetic way, ie;



-or-



By avoided overused or cliched terms, it adds to the credibility of your piece and shows your talents as a writer. My best advice is to jsut play around with the wording until you comeup with something truly original from your mind. So just applywhat I have suggested to the rest of the piece, and then repsot, I'minterested to see what you coem up with. If you need any help editing, just PM it to me or whatever. You don't have to take my advice either, I'm just trying to help. Also, you need to breakup the piece into stanza's or change the punctuation. A poem is not all capitals and commas. I will put what you had into stanza format to show you the natural breaks (and some small editing to help the flow).




So yeah, that is how a free-form stanza format could go, I just went through and seperated it where I felt there was a natural break, however as the author you could change it a number of ways, depending on what you're trying to emphasize. I can't stress enough the importance of avoiding cliched and overused terms. Poetry is something you have to practice over and over and you can never stop learning. The more you write, the better you will become at comingup with your own unique terms and style. Sometimes it's good to write something the way you have, and use it as a jumping off point. It gives you in plain english an outline of what you want to say, now go through it and take the normal things (suchs and "venomed lips" and "an angel fallen from innocence") and make it into something superb.

I'm interested to see what you do, and I hope I helped! Cheers!

Thank you!But I dont understand half of it cause my english is not so perfect.If I were an english man ,I would write better.But thanks for your advice.I will work on ,it.

 

[Undefined]

Ghey poem Ghey thread.

I am ignoring anything negative you say, that is if you can keep the discussion mature then wecanspeak. So I un-ignore you and don't call me a hypocrite for doing so. Either way I will not argue with you anymore. But I'm not sure whether this is a negative comment or not. I think you just simply have a different point of view and that's fine. I will reply to it in an effort to have a civil conversation.

Sure, it is not the best poem, but it is a good start. He tried his best, and it takes a lot of guts to share something as personal as this with other people, especially this crowd So instead of just dismissing his poem/poetry as gay, just either give it a chance, or don't say anything. I mean. Maybe you just don't comprehend poetry or you're not a fan so I don't blame you for not finding it interesting at the least. But either try to help the person improve or say nothing. I mean you're allowed to express you're opinion but try and do so in a manner that is constructive.

Do you not agree?

 

[RiderOfJustice]

It was a completely amature attempt at poetry. Unoriginal and uninventive and i dont think there is anything anyone can do to save it.

 

[Undefined]

It was a completely amature attempt at poetry. Unoriginal and uninventive and i dont think there is anything anyone can do to save it.

Well, first off he doesn't speak english. Second, I'm not sure his age but he might be young so this is to be expected. He needs a lot of practice, that is fr sure. It does have it's fair share of cliche and overused terms but, some creative editing could salvage the piece. Even though it's subject is also overdone, if he really puts some heart into it, and uses some cool phrasing, then it can be "saved" and made into a worthwhile read, that said however... if he doesn't speak english then that will be a hard feat for him to accomplish. It was a good effort nonetheless.

 

[RiderOfJustice]

When criticizing a good critic usually disregards all dissadvantages. You need to tell him exactly whats wrong with it so he knows exactly what to work on to make decent poems. If your ub3r happy nice with your judgment and be like aw well ur not good at english or aww your young so its ok it wont motivate him to try that much harder to be just as good as all the other poets.. Harsh is best.

 

[Undefined]

When criticizing a good critic usually disregards all dissadvantages. You need to tell him exactly whats wrong with it so he knows exactly what to work on to make decent poems. If your ub3r happy nice with your judgment and be like aw well ur not good at english or aww your young so its ok it wont motivate him to try that much harder to be just as good as all the other poets.. Harsh is best.

I agree with some of that but harsh isn't necessarily best, because it can often discourage the person. If someone fucking crucified George Lucas after TX-1000 or whatever that piece of shit movie he first made was called, then we would have no Star Wars... and that is not a world I want to live in,

But seriously, I just mean criticize the piece, no the artist. I amnot making excuses for him, the piece does need a shitload of work and if he were english I would given him a harder review but, if he practies then there's no reason why he can't be good. So I just give my best advice I can offer. It's best to be truthful and then they see through other's opinions (averaged out) wheter or not they should be doing this type of thing and they discover it on their own.

But to be fair, some people will sayall poetry is good and blah blah blah. I don';t agree, but I mean even if you suck writing poetry is still allowed, just don't show it to anyone

 

[RiderOfJustice]

to each is own...............style of criticism

 

[Nerve]

It was a completely amature attempt at poetry. Unoriginal and uninventive and i dont think there is anything anyone can do to save it.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but I'd have say the same thing.. =/

 

[Undefined]

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but I'd have say the same thing.. =/

I said the exact same thing, but the way I chose to say it it didn't seem mean and encouraged them to write more.

 

[Fetzer]

Harsh is best.

Yeah, but "Ghey poem Ghey thread" isn't sreally a critic, and won't really help him.

But to be fair, some people will say all poetry is good and blah blah blah. I don't agree, but I mean even if you suck writing poetry is still allowed, just don't show it to anyone

I must admit that I don't like poetry...

 

[Nerve]

What a shame, for a guy who sings in MCR.

 

[Fetzer]

First time I hear that, what about a mind!

 

[Toygun the Reaper]

All right.I see that I wrote a disgusting thing.Thank you for your attention.

 

[Undefined]

For the record I tried to help. I am somewhat of a poet too, and I suck so XD It's ok!

 

[Toygun the Reaper]

Well, first off he doesn't speak english. Second, I'm not sure his age but he might be young so this is to be expected. He needs a lot of practice, that is fr sure. It does have it's fair share of cliche and overused terms but, some creative editing could salvage the piece. Even though it's subject is also overdone, if he really puts some heart into it, and uses some cool phrasing, then it can be "saved" and made into a worthwhile read, that said however... if he doesn't speak english then that will be a hard feat for him to accomplish. It was a good effort nonetheless.

1-)Im 14 years old
2-)Im not speaking english,I speak Turkish.
3-)I write it in 10 minutes,I didnt work on it so much.

But according to you Im a bad writer.Im sorry beacuse of this disgusting writing.I cant put my heart on it.I tried but people on my ages have said lot of bad things to me.And I AM ALONE.I have no mercy,no love.I only have Hate and fear and it makes me powerful.