Post a random fact about yourself

[Siren]

still, being serious for a moment, a rejection line as "i want to stay alone" or "you're great, it's me" or every rejection line that is a compliment is complete crap and if an hypotetic boyfriend is going to break up with me at least i think i'd deserve honesty.

Why do you assume that such rejection lines can't be honest? Would you only believe that someone is being honest with you if they start telling you that "you suck donkey ass" in your face? If that's the case, i'm afraid you have a distorted opinion of what is honesty. I think you should try to understand that relationships don't necessarily fail only because one of the two thinks the other one sucks, even if such suckage might be the case.

 

[Hiljainen]

Why do you assume that such rejection lines can't be honest? Would you only believe that someone is being honest with you if they start telling you that "you suck donkey ass" in your face? If that's the case, i'm afraid you have a distorted opinion of what is honesty. I think you should try to understand that relationships don't necessarily fail only because one of the two thinks the other one sucks, even if such suckage might be the case.

you're misreading what i wrote. relationships fail for a lot of reasons, but they fail for actual reasons, that could also be simply that one doesn't find what s/he looks for in the other person, and this doesn't mean the dumped one sucks.
all i was trying to say is that they don't fail because "i want to be alone" because that's not a reason, that's a consequence of being in a relationship that is not satisfying.
and also "it's not you, it's me" is not an explanation.
clearer? am i still distorting?

 

[Taliesin]

I think I'll have to agree with Siren about the "It's not you, it's me!" line. Even though it can be a sorry excuses, it can also be true. I remember one case in which my friend seemed to be getting together with a girl. Well.. in the end he didnt, because the girl wasnt able to handle a relation at that point, it was as simple as that.
Generally, Hilj is right (of course ), if it was only halfway serious, there should be a lot more reasons than just "It's not you, it's me!". Hmm maybe what we have here is the exception that proves the rule

 

[Hiljainen]

well, i'm talking about serious relatoinships, not some people just about to get together i'm not very prone to accept a "it's not you, it's me" out of the blue without further explanations after months that i've been with someone

 

[rahvin]

besides, if indeed the unadulterated truth is "i need some time to myself" or "you're a wonderful person but i'm, like, just so wrong, you know?", then there is no possible doubt as to who's inclined to suck on the bottom of animals.

 

[Hiljainen]

besides, if indeed the unadulterated truth is "i need some time to myself" or "you're a wonderful person but i'm, like, just so wrong, you know?", then there is no possible doubt as to who's inclined to suck on the bottom of animals.

hehe, my hilj esteem skyrockets thinking that

 

[rahvin]

hehe, my hilj esteem skyrockets thinking that

i'll say it once more, even clearer than usual: you're the person with the most mature view on relationships to post on this board, bar none.

 

[hyena]

and "how can i be sure you're not a homo?" can work wonders, especially if combined.

no, no. it's "how can i be sure i am not a homo?". you're forgetting stuff. on the other hand, i'm pretty convinced that behind the nice rejection line (well, not the homo one, which unfortunately turned out to be true) there often is a harsher one, and it normally is "i think i can do better". say it ain't so.

 

[rahvin]

i'm pretty convinced that behind the nice rejection line (well, not the homo one, which unfortunately turned out to be true) there often is a harsher one, and it normally is "i think i can do better". say it ain't so.

you're preaching to the converted, here. nine times out of ten the stereotype is a lie. if your soon-to-be-former (whew!) partner is really stupid, he doesn't know that it's a lie. but even though we all have dated stupid people, let's not insult our choices too much: they all knew they were lying.

 

[Siren]

you're misreading what i wrote. relationships fail for a lot of reasons, but they fail for actual reasons, that could also be simply that one doesn't find what s/he looks for in the other person, and this doesn't mean the dumped one sucks.
all i was trying to say is that they don't fail because "i want to be alone" because that's not a reason, that's a consequence of being in a relationship that is not satisfying.
and also "it's not you, it's me" is not an explanation.
clearer? am i still distorting?

I'm sorry if i misunderstood what you said, but that was the impression i gathered from a lot of your posts.
Still, "i want to be alone" can be a different way of saying "i'd rather be alone than being with you", only in better words (and i think the intention to not hurt is something that should be taken into account). Phrasing it in a better way doesn't mean it's not true, especially if we take into account that often people need some time to be alone after a relationship that went wrong.
As for the "it's not you, it's me", apart from the explanation Taliesin gave and which in many cases can be true (for example someone can't keep a relationship because they have issues of their own to resolve), imo it can also mean that "there's nothing wrong with you since i appreciate you a lot, but something is wrong with me because i don't feel that certain spark".

well, i'm talking about serious relatoinships, not some people just about to get together i'm not very prone to accept a "it's not you, it's me" out of the blue without further explanations after months that i've been with someone

I'm not very prone to think that such a phrase would come without further explanations as an ending to a serious relationship. If it does, then something's definitely wrong, and i'd bet smt's wrong with the relationship. If it has happened to you i'm really sorry you had to go through it, but you should be happy that it ended since the communication level doesn't seem to have been very high...

 

[hyena]

you're preaching to the converted, here.

and the conversion was, kind folks, of the variety that follows torture and death threats. at least for me.

 

[Hiljainen]

I'm sorry if i misunderstood what you said, but that was the impression i gathered from a lot of your posts.
Still, "i want to be alone" can be a different way of saying "i'd rather be alone than being with you", only in better words (and i think the intention to not hurt is something that should be taken into account). Phrasing it in a better way doesn't mean it's not true,

i'll write more clearly.
i still prefer to be told the naked truth than some twist of words, i'm not 12 and i want to learn from what i do wrong and honestly, do you really think it matters to say a word or another considering the pain the other person will go through anyway?
and again, "i want to be alone" and/or "i'd rather be alone than being with you" are feelings caused by something wrong in the relationship, one intelligent being doesn't wake up one day thinking "oh, bloody hell, i'd rather be alone!"

if a person has some respect of me and considers me an adult he doesn't need to hide behind nice words (i'm not saying dumping has to be rude, because that seems to be the only thing you read in my posts), when a person dumps you with all these fancy lines it just feels like you're a stranger and he's giving you a traffic info. am i the only one that got that impression?

especially if we take into account that often people need some time to be alone after a relationship that went wrong.

?
still a consequence of a wrong relationship, not a cause.

As for the "it's not you, it's me", apart from the explanation Taliesin gave and which in many cases can be true (for example someone can't keep a relationship because they have issues of their own to resolve), imo it can also mean that "there's nothing wrong with you since i appreciate you a lot, but something is wrong with me because i don't feel that certain spark".
I'm not very prone to think that such a phrase would come without further explanations as an ending to a serious relationship. If it does, then something's definitely wrong, and i'd bet smt's wrong with the relationship. If it has happened to you i'm really sorry you had to go through it, but you should be happy that it ended since the communication level doesn't seem to have been very high...

yes, thank you, all my relationships were very bubu (insert bad words), but i thought i had a good level of communication in the last one until i got told the same fancy "it's not you, it's me, i dont' know why but i realized it.." and so on.
believe it or not, that's one of the most common dumping lines, if it has never happened to you consider yourself lucky. people seem to find satisfaction into the cheesiest and simplest dumping lines and they don't understand that it's so obvious (and painful) that they're not enough.

 

[hyena]

@hilj: i agree with everything you say, with a small addendum: sometimes people (read: especially men) don't really know why they're doing some things. really. they don't feel at ease, they think something is vaguely wrong, and they go apeshit because, you know, they're supposed to be happy happy every single minute of the day because their partner is so right for them i think i've been dumped at least once on this basis.

 

[Siren]

i'll write more clearly.
i still prefer to be told the naked truth than some twist of words, i'm not 12 and i want to learn from what i do wrong and honestly, do you really think it matters to say a word or another considering the pain the other person will go through anyway?

I do understand this, and i feel the same way. Actually this is the reason i've always served the truth cold to people's face, because i wanted to be told the truth as well.
Still the majority of people will keep providing the twist of words.. The point is that it all sums up to the level of communication between the two people and how honest they can be with each other and with themselves.

and again, "i want to be alone" and/or "i'd rather be alone than being with you" are feelings caused by something wrong in the relationship, one intelligent being doesn't wake up one day thinking "oh, bloody hell, i'd rather be alone!"

Of course they don't. Likewise, they didn't wake up one day and something was wrong with the relationship. The problem was already there for some time, it didn't get discussed and the other person didn't understand there was a problem (if they got surprised). It all boils down to communication again, and that imo is something that both sides are to be blamed for.

if a person has some respect of me and considers me an adult he doesn't need to hide behind nice words (i'm not saying dumping has to be rude, because that seems to be the only thing you read in my posts), when a person dumps you with all these fancy lines it just feels like you're a stranger and he's giving you a traffic info. am i the only one that got that impression?

Sometimes it's hard and uncomfortable for the person who decides to end the relationship as well (i'm not referring to the case of complete assholes), and if not asked thoroughly the person will probably try to get away with the easiest and most tried explanation..

?
still a consequence of a wrong relationship, not a cause.

Sure, but it doesn't mean they're lying, they're just (wrongly) diverting to a whole different issue, which will most probably lead to the fastest way out of an unpleasant situation.

yes, thank you, all my relationships were very bubu (insert bad words), but i thought i had a good level of communication in the last one until i got told the same fancy "it's not you, it's me, i dont' know why but i realized it.." and so on.

I don't know what happened, but from the sound of it there must have been some further explanations..? If not, did you at least try to get some?
If you did and the guy didn't provide, i guess he was just an asshole you were wrong about, and there's no reason to bring yourself down over this.



Anyway, i'm not trying to say you're wrong, i totally agree with you, i'm just trying to make you see how it can be on the other side as well.. Meh, this turned out longer than i wanted.

 

[Taliesin]

You people should talk less and make more love! Make love! Wheeee!

 

[La Rocque]

I like to post randomly -

 

[hyena]

You people should talk less and make more love! Make love! Wheeee!

i'm completely convinced of this, but you know, it's not like i can hire someone... turns out to be quite difficult, what with being a woman and all... :Spin:

 

[Hiljainen]

I do understand this, and i feel the same way. Actually this is the reason i've always served the truth cold to people's face, because i wanted to be told the truth as well.
Still the majority of people will keep providing the twist of words.. The point is that it all sums up to the level of communication between the two people and how honest they can be with each other and with themselves.

Of course they don't. Likewise, they didn't wake up one day and something was wrong with the relationship. The problem was already there for some time, it didn't get discussed and the other person didn't understand there was a problem (if they got surprised). It all boils down to communication again, and that imo is something that both sides are to be blamed for.

i didn't deny any of this, but if you feel a problem (genaral "you" of course) and don't try to explain it, and then you dump, and still don't explain...what kind of importance do you give to the other person? the other person should have tried to understand/ask what was wrong, yes, but i see a bigger responsability on the dumper.

Sometimes it's hard and uncomfortable for the person who decides to end the relationship as well (i'm not referring to the case of complete assholes), and if not asked thoroughly the person will probably try to get away with the easiest and most tried explanation..

well, i don't have the habit to hear that kind of explanation and go away, i try to ask gently and to put the other person in a comfortable situation, even if in that moment i'd like to kill and destroy the world in a very manowary style , still a long explanation comes out once on 100 times.
when it was me the dumper, even if i couldn't call that a relationship yet, i said (as gently as i could) the simple truth, same as every time i refused to date someone

Sure, but it doesn't mean they're lying, they're just (wrongly) diverting to a whole different issue, which will most probably lead to the fastest way out of an unpleasant situation.

i understand it's hard for both (not always, but most times), but you owe to a person that spent important time with you a consideration bigger than "oh god i hope this is over soon!" even if it requires going through some difficulty into explaining.

I don't know what happened, but from the sound of it there must have been some further explanations..? If not, did you at least try to get some?
If you did and the guy didn't provide, i guess he was just an asshole you were wrong about, and there's no reason to bring yourself down over this.

of course i tried, as i wrote before i always try to put the person into a comfortable situation too, and to ask gently, i don't get angry or cry in a moment like that. i got nothing more than the same sentences repeated anyway.

Anyway, i'm not trying to say you're wrong, i totally agree with you, i'm just trying to make you see how it can be on the other side as well.. Meh, this turned out longer than i wanted.

i think i see the other side but this just seems to have stronger reasons to me, everything has its difficulties, but when it comes to relations to other people one should think that they deserve something and the point is not to chose the easiest way

 

[Hiljainen]

You people should talk less and make more love! Make love! Wheeee!

considering how my life goes i will just keep talking i guess

(but pfffff, really)

double post

 

[hyena]

last night i spent a while theorizing about relationships with a (female) friend and at the end of the day everything is just as random as it was before. i think we need more stay-at-home dads for the new generation. i also think i need to marry one such guy and then have a fiftysomething numero-uno type of lover. so everything will look like a good eminem song and i will, kind sirs, have had my revenge. ha.