The Red Dwarf quote was a hoot. Here's something else I found on the web that's also funny as hell, a long read but well worth the time:
Socrates Meets Jesus
by Prometheus
Socrates
Good morning, Jesus, I have heard much of your marvelous teachings. In my own modest way I am a philosopher here in Athens. I am told you have great wisdom and certainly that is indicated by the throng of admirers that follow you through the streets. If you have a few moments to spare, I would appreciate it if you would enlighten me with the answers to some of the puzzling problems I have been wrestling with all my life
Jesus
I am as a fisher of men in my search for followers. I bring the truth of God to all men. Seek and you shall find, ask and it shall be answered knock and it shall be open unto to thee.
Socrates
There is one basic question that has always been uppermost in my mind. Although it has always been an insurmountable obstacle to me in my search for the truth and meaning, I am sure that with your learning you will find it far to easy and think me a foolish old man. I have always longed to live honorably and nobly, but it seems that I have merely stumbled through life without even even knowing what was honorable or noble. With my limited understanding, it often seems to me that life, even with all its sound and fury, really signifies nothing. Please tell me: How should a man live; what is the purpose of life.
Jesus
To serve and worship God.
Socrates
Which God.
Jesus
There is only one god.
Socrates
Oh. You should live here in Athens. We have several to choose from.
Jesus
There is only one true God.
Socrates
Of course. And which one is the true God?
Jesus
The true god is Lord God.
Socrates
Yes. But who is Lord God? Or what is he?
Jesus
He is the infinity of wisdom, love, compassion, peace, and mercy. He is the creator of heaven and earth all things in the universe.
Socrates
Of all things?
Jesus
Yes-all things. He is omnipotent. He is master and controller and maker of all things. He is omnipresent-nothing can happen that he does not know beforehand.
Socrates
Did he create plagues, wars, death, suffering and evil.
Jesus
No. These things and all other evils and tragedies come from the Devil, the prince of darkness; or from man's weakness and evil nature. God is all goodness and free of evil; only good can come from God
Socrates
And who for gracious sakes is the devil? Surely he must be a god to be able to visit such powerful calamities on mankind: Yet you have just said there is only one God. Also you have said that all that exists comes from God: And now you say that only good comes from God and all evil comes from someone called the devil. These would seem to be contradictions. I am afraid that your religion is far too complex for this old head to fathom. Yet I will be an eager student and try hard to understand, if you will but help me. Please explain: who is the devil and how can all things come from God and yet not come from God?
Jesus:
The Devil is a fallen angel who is ambitious. He rebelled against God and wants to overthrow all his works.
Socrates:
What in Zeus' name is an angel?
Jesus:
An angel is an angel.
Socrates:
Of course, that's an identity. Socrates is Socrates. But, you see, it doesn't mean anything to me, inexperienced as I am in your religion. Although it's true as true can be, it doesn't relate to anything I can understand. Compare it to something I am familiar with.
Jesus:
An angel is an angel.
Socrates:
Please forgive me for my stolid ignorance. Understand that I am no authority such as you are. I have never seen an angel or heard of one. I am told that you had many strange visions when you wandered in the desert for 40 days without eating. Pray tell, what do they look like, these angels?
Jesus:
They have wings.
Socrates:
So do gnats. Could you be a little more specific?
Jesus:
They look like people except they have wings.
Socrates:
What else? They can fly, I assume
Jesus:
Yes, that's what the wings are for.
Socrates:
Of course--I might have known. You say they look like men. How are they different from men?
Jesus:
The are much better than men, and they never die.
Socrates:
How better than men?
Jesus:
More virtuous and more powerful. Much more powerful.
Socrates:
They are super-human, then.
Jesus:
Yes. Absolutely!
Socrates:
Then they are superhuman and they are immortal. We in Athens would call such beings gods.
Jesus:
No! God is more powerful than they.
Socrates:
So is Zeus to us more powerful than other Olympic gods, but the others are still by definition gods. How would you define the term God?
Jesus:
God is the creator of all. He is all power, knowledge, wisdom and the epitome of justice, mercy, compassion, goodness; and peace.
Socrates:
These qualities are, however, not necessarily consistent. It is not possible for a person to be just, peaceful and merciful, all in one instance or situation. If a person or a nation deserves punishment by the rule of justice, you must punish him or wage war on them, but this would be a violation of the rule of peace or mercy. No one being could have all these qualities because they contradict each other; they cannot exist together in the same person at the same time. It is as though a man had turned both left and right at the same corner at the same time, while still remaining whole and entire.
Jesus:
God works his wonders in mysterious ways.
Socrates:
It would seem that you have many gods just as we do in Athens, only you don't call them gods.
Jesus:
No! God is all powerful.
Socrates:
Then the only difference is the degree of power?
Jesus:
No. God is better and more virtuous than they. Sin is impossible for him.
Socrates:
What is sin?
Jesus:
It is an act of disobedience to God.
Socrates:
I see from this that God could not sin, because he could not be disobedient to himself. But since sin is impossible for him, it is no more a mark of achievement for him to be free of sin than it is a mark of achievement for a rock to be unable to move. It's merely a matter of definition. What do they do, these angles?
Jesus:
They do errands for God.
Socrates:
Why if God is all powerful, does he need others to do errands for him?
Jesus:
He likes it that way.
Socrates:
They are his slaves, then?
Jesus:
No, they serve him willingly.
Socrates:
What happens if they don't serve him willingly?
Jesus:
There were several angels led by Satan, the devil, who rebelled against God and were cast out of heaven to eternal torment and punishment.
Socrates:
What is heaven?
Jesus:
It is a wonderful place high in the sky. The streets are paved with gold. Everything is peaceful and beautiful there. God lives there and all who believe in God go there when they die. Men have eternal life there and are given wings and worship God and play harps in eternal bliss and happiness forever. It is the purpose and goal of all of man's life to go to heaven when he dies.
Socrates:
This sounds much like the accounts I have heard given by those who have eaten the lotus flower. If this was the purpose of life, could we not simply become intoxicated on wine or drugs and feel this way all the time, like the beggars and drunks we see on the other side of the city?
Jesus:
The Bible says thou shalt not partake of wine or strong drink.
Socrates:
If is the sole purpose of man's life to get to heaven, why does he not simply kill himself and go there?
Jesus:
Thou shalt no kill.
Socrates:
If God wanted man to go to heaven, why did he put man on earth in the first place? Why did he not simply put man in heaven from the beginning? I find it hard to believe that man with all his capabilities, desires, and complexities was created merely to sit and bow and scrape and worship. Certainly there is not, nor ever was, a human tyrant so vain and proud that he wanted his subjects merely to bow and scrape obsequiously and subserviently before him from dawn to dusk, let alone for all eternity. I certainly can understand why Satan wanted to rebel against such a static, regimented, oppressive, boring society. From what you have told me so far, I would have had to side with Satan in the rebellion, for although I consider myself a humble man as men go, I could not bow and scrape and sing praises all day to a being who threatened me with punishment and eternal torment if I did not.
Jesus:
The Lord thy God is a jealous god and thou shalt have no other gods before him.
Socrates:
Why did Satan rebel? Did he know that God was as powerful as you describe him to be and that he was certain to be defeated?
Jesus:
Satan rebelled because he was proud and wanted to rule heaven himself. He knew partly of God's great power (that it was greater than his own), but he wanted power so badly that he was willing to take any chance.
Socrates:
Satan was certainly very brave, then; to strive against a foe he could not defeat.
Jesus:
He was sinful because he was disobedient to the will of God.
Socrates:
It seems to me that the only difference between Satan and God is the degree of power.
Jesus:
God is perfect. He is all powerful, all knowing, and without sin.
Socrates:
Of course; by definition he is without sin because he could not be disobedient to himself. The only real difference between the two is the degree of power. Therefore, Satan was not wrong or sinful to rebel against God, he was only wrong to lose the rebellion. For if he had won, God would be the sinner: because God would have been disobedient to Satan who would be better than God or the other angels because he could not sin against himself, that is, be disobedient to himself, and he would have proven himself all powerful. If Satan had won, he would have become God, by your definition because he would have been all powerful and without sin. Who knows but that this didn't happen? From your description of God, I begin to suspect at this point that it did.
Jesus:
God is more than mere power and righteous lack of sin: he is infinite justice, mercy, peace and compassion, and all forgiving. Satan is vicious, selfish, destructive, and evil.
Socrates:
What happened to Satan after he was thrown out of heaven?
Jesus:
He was thrown into Hell by God where he was tormented and tortured for all eternity.
Socrates:
What is Hell and why did Satan stay there if it is so painful and unpleasant?
Jesus:
God locked him in Hell and he was not permitted to leave. God created Hell as a place to punish Satan and all men who do not have faith in God. It is an eternal burning inferno or torture, agony, and torment: all sinful men who do not ask God for forgiveness and have no faith in him go there for all eternity to be tortured by the devil.
Socrates:
If God is just or merciful, how can he do this to an enemy who fought him in battle. Why did God not simply pardon Satan after defeat as men often do to a captured nation after they defeat it? Mankind would seem in victory to be more merciful than God; for they do not treat the vanquished to such terrible torments for even a lifetime, let alone for all eternity. Why did God not show the qualities that you described as his justice, mercy, compassion, and forgiveness to Satan? Certainly God's warlike nature is in marked contrast with your definition of the term God as being peaceful, merciful and all forgiving.
Jesus:
God works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.
Socrates:
If Satan is locked in Hell, how can he bring plagues and torments on mankind and why does God allow it if he is all powerful and all good? If God is all powerful, how is it that he permits this evil Satan to survive? Why does he not destroy him? Although I begin to wonder, at this point, if the opposite course would not be better.
Jesus:
God allows Satan to be free to bring plagues and torments on mankind in order to punish man for his sin in the Garden of Eden.
Socrates:
What is the Garden of Eden?
Jesus:
When God created the first man and woman, Adam and Eve, he put them in the Garden of Eden. When they were created, they were pure and without sin. That is how God created them. The Garden of Eden was a beautiful paradise, and it provided Adam and Eve with everything they needed. They did no have to work but merely pluck the fruit from the branches from lush trees. They were as innocent and untroubled as children and knew nothing about carnal fleshly love. They had each other for companions and adored and worshiped God who visited them once in a while.
Socrates:
Why did God create mankind?
Jesus:
He was lonely.
Socrates:
Why did he not simply create additional angels who were more his equal rather than this much lower form of life, Man? Could it be that he wanted obsequious slaves that he could look down on who would fear, reverence, and worship him?
Jesus:
Since he is our creator, we owe him our worship, reverence, and obedience.
Socrates:
Is the child of a criminal duty-bound to be obedient to his father, or does he have a right and obligation to judge for himself between right and wrong? What sin, what act of disobedience, did man commit in the Garden of Eden?
Jesus:
In the center of the Garden of Eden, God put the tree of knowledge. God told Adam and Eve that they were not to eat of the fruit of that tree. Satan went to the Garden disguised as a snake and told Eve that she would gain great knowledge if she ate the fruit. Satan said that God had told them not to eat the fruit because he was afraid that if they did they would become as great as he was. Eve convinced Adam to eat the fruit. After they ate, the learned of sexual love. That was the original sin.
Socrates:
Is knowledge evil that God would want to keep it from us? Why did God want to keep us from gaining knowledge? Did he want to keep us subservient slaves groveling under his feet? It seems to me that we owe Satan thanks and worship for his help. Satan seems rather like the Titan Prometheus, who in defiance of the orders of the gods brought man the knowledge of fire. For this service to man, Prometheus like Satan was subjected to torment and torture for all eternity. Certainly human life would be worth a great deal less that it is without love, fire and knowledge.
Jesus:
But Satan was lying to Eve, because we did not become as great as God by eating the fruit. He was lying to us merely because he wanted to destroy the work of God.
Socrates:
If God is all powerful, why did he allow Satan to come to the Garden and tempt Eve? If God did not want man to eat the fruit, why did he put the tree in the Garden in the first place? If God did not want man to make sexual love, why did he equip man with the organs necessary for it? If God did not want man to commit the original sin, why did he give man a desire for knowledge, experience, adventure and carnal love?
Jesus:
God put the tree in the Garden and allowed Satan to come there because he wanted to test mankind.
Socrates:
You have said that God was all knowing; that he knows everything that happens before it happens. Certainly God already knew how man would behave in any situation.
Jesus:
God gave man free will. It was just as possible for man to be virtuous and obey God as it was for man to be sinful and disobey the word of God.
Socrates:
Did God know that man would sin?
Jesus:
He knew that man would sin but he allowed man the free will to make his own choice.
Socrates:
Could God have created man so he could not sin? Could God have created man so that he would not have sinned in this particular situation?
Jesus:
Yes, since God is all powerful he could have done that, but he did not want men to be mere puppets; he wanted men to have free will.
Socrates:
Could God have created man with two heads and three legs or any other way if he wanted to?
Jesus:
God could have created man any way he wanted to.
Socrates:
Did God create man the way he intended to? Did God intend for man to have one head, two legs and to appear exactly as he does today?
Jesus:
Of course: God is perfect and all powerful; he could not make a mistake.
Socrates:
Then God did not make a mistake, but created man exactly as he intended to in every way?
Jesus:
Yes.
Socrates:
Then you and I were created exactly as God intended us to be? And Adam and Eve were created exactly as God intended them to be?
Jesus:
Yes. It is as I have said.
Socrates:
Did everything that is part of man come from God?
Jesus:
Yes: God is the master and controller and creator of all.
Socrates:
Did the devil or any other force create any part of man?
Jesus:
No. God is sole creator of all.
Socrates:
Then, if God created man's eyes, legs and mind, he also created man's desires; all his desires, even his desire for knowledge and sex. Why did man sin?
Jesus:
He sinned because of his weaknesses and his evil nature.
Socrates:
Is man's nature a part of man, just as hands and feet are a part of man?
Jesus:
Yes. Man's nature is a part of man.
Socrates:
Who created man?
Jesus:
God.
Socrates:
Who created man's hands and feet?
Jesus:
God.
Socrates:
Who gave man two hands and two feet and created them exactly as they are today, and exactly as they were in the time of Adam and Eve?
Jesus:
God.
Socrates:
Who created man's nature?
Jesus:
God.
Socrates:
Who gave man his evil nature and weaknesses? God did, because everything that is a part of man came from God and God alone.
Jesus:
God gave man free will.
Socrates:
Who intended for men to have two hands, the devil?
Jesus:
No. God intended for man to have two hands.
Socrates:
Who intended for man to have weaknesses and an evil nature, the devil? No. God intended for man to have weaknesses and evil nature. If mankind is flawed or evil or weak, it is because God put the flaw or weakness there and intended it to be there. Let me tell you another parable. Have you ever seen the birds killing fish in the sea? Who put it into that bird to fang and kill that flying fish? Who's to doom, man, when the judge himself is dragged before the bar?
Jesus:
Man has free will. God did not force him to sin. He merely gave him the opportunity to be virtuous or sinful. Man would have been of no value to God if he had made him a mere puppet who could do nothing but good. He wanted to give man the opportunity to be good or evil according to his own merit and choice.
Socrates:
It is absurd for God to punish man after creating him. It is as though a Homer wrote an ode about a pig and then whipped and lashed the pages or cast them on an eternal unconsuming fire, because he disliked the qualities of the animal. Or that a master sculptor made a perfect statue of a pig and then lashed it for all eternity because he disliked the traits of the animal.