The Jokes Thread

Tabletwister K.ala
Oct 8, 2003
Hello everybody. I just woke up with the most joyfull feeling (hope we all did) and having the urge to humour a bit, i decided to start this joke thread. I hope it will be fun for everyone and we'll have some good laughts.

So here i go...
" Why the old women doesn't wear mini skirts? " :)

It's a new one i've heard, the answer will be revealed after three posts (if noone ofcourse discovers the answer). Holding on to your jokes too. Have fun and God bless you all!!!

  • A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

    "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

    "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
Bill had a cat but wanted to get rid of it.One day,he met a friend and asked him what he should do to get rid of his cat.
His friend told him:
-"You should put the cat in your car and drive straight ahead,then turn right,then left,then left again,then right and finally left.You must do this five times.Then you'll leave the cat there,get in your car and drive back."

Bill did what his friend told him to do_One month later he meets his friend again.
-"What have you done with your cat?Did you finally get rid of it"? asked his friend.
-"Are you crazy?I was very lucky that I had my cat with me and helped me find my way back!!!" :lol:
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned
to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those
hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

What a woman says, what she really means...

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means...
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world. and yet created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, so where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you".

Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water. laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect." Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!".

"Fine", said God. And off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Mm, I think I prefer Hell." he told God. "Fine," retorted God, " as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?:"

God says, "Oh, that was the demo"!!!
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."