@tali: well, to cut a very long story short, here's the deal.
there's a guy, let's call him emanuele because it's his name. i've been talking to him on msn for more than one year. i've discovered affinities on every single type of rare things. and i mean honestly rare things. stuff that i didn't even declare on this forum, stuff that makes me sound weirder than ever (everyone, mind out of the gutter - i'm not talking of sexual tastes or the like). he kept on not really making any effort to meet me; we live in different cities, about 3hrs by train, and he said that we could meet anytime for a beer if i had reason to go to florence, but he never did anything to come down here. i didn't like this, because honestly... i never met anyone who shared certain fascinations and sensitivity points before. but i'm not a kid anymore and i'm sort of immune from some dangers out of repeated error and error. so i didn't go.
at some point he told me that he's still in love with his ex. they were together for 12 years. she left him because he failed to graduate, chose a dead-end job, etc etc etc and how many times have i done heard this shit?. so i thought that although he showed no interest i could help him. i made an effort, got him back on track in uni, wished him well etc, and i was 100% honest about my wishing well (heh).
at some point i asked how come affinities are so important in developing affection from my point of view, whereas they did not cause the same reaction for him.
you know when your parents finally tell you that there's no santa claus? well, he told me that he doesn't need a carbon copy of himself, that he 'lives the horror' of his imagery on his own, that sharing doesn't really matter in a relationship, because sharing can be done through rituals and symbols. he mentioned examples which i am loathe to post here because you'd think i'm completely berserk. anyway, he'd rather bask in an assembly of people of dubious convinctions to find the symbols that give him emotion than be assured that there is another person in the world who feels like he does when a certain name or place or battle (how tr00) is mentioned. he looks for difference, not likeness.
now, this is not new. not new at all. but it's the first time someone rationalizes for me so clearly. i really dropped out of everything for 48 hours. depressed, depressed and depressed. i won't go into details here either, because it would take a long story filled with blood and gore, basically. but it's very hard, realizing that what i look for doesn't have the same value for me and for those who embody what i look for. it's worse than rejection, it's a persistent theorem of impossibility that gives me a sense of doom and horror. not failure. plain horror.
so i told him that i was changing my msn account and not talking to him again. he disagreed and so on, but really, i can't go on anymore, not with the mark of cain on me in this shape. and... and... of course this ruined stuff for me. for example, the unwelcome feeling of not being able to enjoy music... it hit me in 2000 for one of my favorite rancid records, it hit me yesterday with one of my favorite 270bis songs. guess what? both had connections with someone i felt strongly for. in the former case it was especially serious because there was a relationship, but the songs were only circumstantial, ie stuff we'd listened to together. in the latter case, these songs were the fabric of something very difficult to express.
i'm holding on, not falling back, i'm not going to switch back to my old account, won't talk to him. but silence lies empty, for the time being. and that's why i tried random dates, to find entertainment.
by the way, the guy i met tonight was ok, but i wasn't blown off my feet and i believe he wasn't either. pleasant night, beers and talks of snowboarding and other fun stuff, so i didn't waste my time. going nowhere, tho.
