The best jokes..
- Thread starter outrageous
- Start date
me ? .. I forget .. I'll do it again..
LOL .. it said, "You have a poor sense of humour and don't know a good time."
Wait a minute ..
LOL .. it said, "You have a poor sense of humour and don't know a good time."
Wait a minute ..
helix_of_darkness
im bored
- Jan 8, 2006
- 59
- 0
- 6
On going to war over religion:
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Gary Valentine
On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Jeff Green
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." - Emo Philips "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Ren Hicks"
Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" - Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Gary Valentine
On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Jeff Green
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." - Emo Philips "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Ren Hicks"
Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" - Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips
Hmmmmm..... my cookie said "Now is a good time for automobile servicing." So something ELSE is gonna break on that piece of shit !?!?! Gee thanks for fucking up my day , Judas
^ compliments will get you nowhere , my Ninja friend ....... aw who am I kidding ? Of course they will
I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm. A girl asked why it doesn’t taste sweet then. When she realized what she said her face became red with embarrassment. Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the back of your throat. The girl started crying and left class.
Mythos Inibri
Undead User
Kanyon
Genesis Torn
Got a few for you - Favourite is the first one:
____
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
____
Married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman, almost.."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
____
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st women: I froze to death.
2nd women: How horrible
1st women: It wasn't so bad, after I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd women: I died of a massive heart attach. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st women: So what happened?
2nd women: I was so sure there was another women there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, down into the basement, then went through the closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st women: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
____
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
____
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
____
A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Missouri near a blacktop highway.
A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
____
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
____
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Everytime time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife finally decided she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night in the middle of hot, screaming wild sex, she got up and turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device.....a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one.
She went completely nuts, screaming "YOU IMPOTENT BASTARD!" She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly; "I'll explain the toy.....you explain the kids."
____
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
____
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
____
Married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman, almost.."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
____
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st women: I froze to death.
2nd women: How horrible
1st women: It wasn't so bad, after I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd women: I died of a massive heart attach. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st women: So what happened?
2nd women: I was so sure there was another women there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, down into the basement, then went through the closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st women: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
____
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
____
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
____
A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Missouri near a blacktop highway.
A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
____
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
____
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Everytime time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife finally decided she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night in the middle of hot, screaming wild sex, she got up and turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device.....a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one.
She went completely nuts, screaming "YOU IMPOTENT BASTARD!" She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly; "I'll explain the toy.....you explain the kids."
____
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
Mythos Inibri
Undead User
sykosami said:Haha, not shit...just really strong acidy ness
wrong,,it tasted like shit because he just pulled his cock out of my ass!!
Falconspirit
I Died A Little
A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international
condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her
briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.
She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back
into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her
briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.
She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back
into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
Falconspirit said:A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international
condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her
briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.
She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back
into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
So is that
